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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been offended - school uniform and non-inlaws

102 replies

Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 17:20

Name change - I can't be bothered to be vague so as not to be identified Grin

So, I have an almost 5 year old, I split from her dad when she was 10 months old. He has her every other weekend and on a Weds night.

His parents play quite an active role in our DDs life and often have her on one of the nights of his weekend - I would prefer she spent more time with her dad seeing as she doesnt see him a lot but ho hum, that's another thread.

She goes to a school where there isn't a uniform. I really like the ethos behind this and think it is generally a good thing. I have expressed this to my ex. He told me once she had been going there for about 2 months that he and his parents didnt really like this as it makes the children look scruffy. I told him he was entitled to his opinion but to please not tell DD that they felt this way as now she's there ther's really nothing we can do and she really enjoys school.

My point was that I visited all of the schools in the area and read all the ofsted reports front to back to decide which school to send her too. Then filled in the applications myself. I sent all the reports to my ex and invited him to all the visits but he didnt get involved in the decision telling me he didnt have time (We both work full time) and that he would trust my judgement. This was fine, I was happy to make the call.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I have just been presented with a bag of 4 sets of brand new school uniform and have collected DD from school today to find her (the only kid at the school) wearing full on school uniform.

She spent most of the weekend with his parents and has now spent the last few hours with me telling me how her school isn't a proper school because there's no uniform and that she now wants to wear the clothes her nana has provided for her every day so she can be smart.

I've spoken to her dad and asked if the coments about her school not being proper came from him or his parents rather than fly off the handle without all the info. He jumped straight down my neck saying how ungrateful I am when they are merely trying to help me out. They are very wealthy and to date havent bought one single thing for our DD to have at my house, not that I expect them to. So I am struggling to find this random act of support 4 years down the line as anything other than an insult.

I'm by no means wealthy but have a very comfortable standard of living (which is of my own making - in the time since we split and I have had DD with me, there have been lots of occassions where I have made it known that I was struggling and neither him nor his parents ever helped out) and dress my DD well - all be it rather casually as I beleive children shouldn't be trussed up. Had they really wanted to help they could have bought something like new wellies or a spring coat which my ex pointed out to me a couple of weeks back that I would need to buy for DD soon (thanks, I hadn't realised).

Now, AIBU to be offended??? Ready for the backlash Grin

OP posts:
Slambang · 14/03/2011 17:47

Let your dd decide. If she wants to wear the uniform - great, that's her choice and it's less clothes buying for you.
If she doesn't want to wear it say thanks for the lovely uniform but dd doesn't want to wear it.

She's only 4. It will only be a matter of months before she becomes very aware of fitting in and wearing the same style of clothes as her friends. The uniform will be quietly forgotten at the bottom of a drawer.

femalevictormeldrew · 14/03/2011 17:49

YANBU and they need to cop on.

PaisleyLeaf · 14/03/2011 17:50

I hope it does get quietly forgotten in the bottom of a drawer. But if they're going to be having her on a Sunday night now and again (or indeed, the dad), they might be dressing her in it for a long while yet.
I think you've got to say something.

Original poster
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 17:53

Had she not already worn one of the sets of 'uniform' (you make a good point that it can't really be a uniform if non of the children are wearing one!) then it would be easier to send back. I didn't think of it at first but have now concluded it was very clever of them to make sure they bought it on an occassion where her dad was dressing her for school.
She likes it, which I suppose is where my problem lies - they've brainwashed her in to beleiving they are right over me.

Maybe they are right, it is purely my opinion that the no uniform is the way to go. But seeing as I made that decision, with no input from anyone else, surely it's unfair now to tell her that the opposite is true and go behind my back.

I think slambag is correct that it may just get forgotten at the bottom of the drawer in time.

OP posts:
parakeet · 14/03/2011 17:53

She will get picked on. Tell them you're vetoing the uniform idea for this reason. Do not debate it.

I would also tell them and your husband that in future they are not to criticise your parenting choices to your daughter.

edam · 14/03/2011 17:56

How ridiculous. And mean of them to use dd in this way. Suggest you remind them dd's school does not have a uniform and the teachers are concerned that if she turns up wearing clothes that are not appropriate for her school, she will feel uncomfortable.

diddl · 14/03/2011 17:57

If she´s at primary school, I didn´t think that uniform was compulsary anyway?

What does she normally wear?

Over here there are no uniforms & most children are fairly casually dressed to due walking/biking to school.

Original poster
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 17:58

X posts with paisley, I am a bit concerned that if I dont say something the control could develope in to other areas...

I suppose this is why I'm not happy with the amount of time she spends with her grandparents, I mean, it's non of my business where her dad feels it is acceptable for her to go when she is under his care. I don't want to dictate to him what he can and can't do with his own child. I also feel its a good thing that she developes relationships with her wider family. His mum is a very succesful lady and as such, a good role model I'm sure... but this has made me wonder if they feel they have more of a right to parent her than I had thought..?

Still, not my business and it's only the uniform right now, the important thing is they love here I guess.

But still.... grrrrr!

OP posts:
KittaKatta · 14/03/2011 18:02

Personally I would wrap them up and send them back. If they are as odd and , to my mind, controlling as this if you give them even this tiny tiny inch who knows what?s next.

diddl · 14/03/2011 18:02

"how ungrateful I am when they are merely trying to help me out."

Then I would say she doesn´t need the uniform but coat/shoes/whatever else would be great, thanks!

YANBU, by the way.

And your not MIL might be successful, but she sounds horribly controlling & your ex sounds like a spineless arse, so much good it did him!

prettybird · 14/03/2011 18:03

If you don't pack the unifrom at a weekend and she's not wearing it on a Wednesday, then they either have to keep on buying her more uniforms or they will get the message Grin

Original poster
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 18:03

In response to what do I normally send her in it's usually the normal stuff kids wear.. jeans, T shirts, jumper dresses, bright colours, she likes pink (despite my gender neutrel efforts!) sometimes joggers and a zip-up top. She has some pinafores in muted kind of colours which is the smarter end of the spectrum of her wardrobe. All the kids wear this kind of stuff, it's very multi-cultural so there are lots of variations on this which I think adds to the richness of the school.

OP posts:
InPraiseOfBacchus · 14/03/2011 18:04

I think the only reason anyone puts kids (ESPEICALLY little ones) in uniform is to make them into a cute little accessory for the parents. That's why school uniform always hark back to old styles of dressing. It is formulated to appeal specifically to the insecurities of parents and their desire to see the child as theirs, an object to reflect on them rather than a human being who happens to be young at the moment!

YANBU. My parents did this to me. I went to a middle school where uniform was very relaxed (Black skirt or trousers, any black shoes, white shirt, school jumper, that's it). Up until the last year, my mother insisted I wear her ridiculous, dated idea of school uniform, with a grey pleated skirt, little frilled ankle socks and those little polished sandles you'd expect to see on a baby doll. I even had bunches. The fact that I'd get singled out and teased didn't really phase her, and I think she relished the fact that I was 'apart' from all the other girls with their own hairstyles. God forbid I made too many friends and depended less on the family.

You made a well-informed choice and your ex is using your child as a tool to undermine you, with no regard for her feelings. What an ass.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 14/03/2011 18:05

*ESPECIALLY

sorry!

chipmonkey · 14/03/2011 18:05

No, you have to knock this on the head!

They are barking, buying a uniform for a non-uniform school! And they have no right to inflict their barkingness on your dd!

LessNarkyPuffin · 14/03/2011 18:05

Meddling and nasty.

'(she) has now spent the last few hours with me telling me how her school isn't a proper school because there's no uniform and that she now wants to wear the clothes her nana has provided for her every day so she can be smart.'

They've not just bought her a uniform, they've convinced her that there's something wrong with not wearing one.

I positively like school uniform. I think it's ridiculous to dress someone else's child in a uniform to go to a school that HAS NO UNIFORM. The whole point of a uniform is that it removes bullying based on who can afford what, as all children look the same. They've just made her stand out, and insulted the school ethos.

Aims80 · 14/03/2011 18:06

Oh dear.. what are you going to do with the uniform? To be honest I'd have a brief word with her teacher and then tell your ex that both you and the school think it is innappropriate for her to be the only one in uniform, but to pass on your thanks for the gifts? I'd also casually mention to your daughter about how people are happy when they express themselves by choosing lots of lovely different things to wear, and isn't it lovely that she doesn't have to always wear the same thing at school. It's best to leave her out of it though really, she doesn't want to be pulled this way and that. Sigh, I feel for you!

diddl · 14/03/2011 18:07

And aren´t primary uniforms pretty casual these days any way?

Original poster
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 18:08

prettybird i love your logic! Fab!

OP posts:
saffy85 · 14/03/2011 18:10

Thinking about it, yes they are being mean using your DD to make a point like this. They've given her a complex about how she dresses which is a horrible thing to do to a child. They didn't mean to I'm sure but they were so intent on this ridiculous point scoring they didn't actually consider their DGD.

LessNarkyPuffin · 14/03/2011 18:10

I think polo shirts and fleeces are common, but in a school that actively has none, where the children will be in all different colours, sending a child in a grey skirt with white tops is pretty formal.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 14/03/2011 18:11

Its so ridiculous (no their part not yours) that its almost funny, although I do feel sorry for your DD as they seem to have used her to make a point. Surely they realise that by the time she is about 9 at the latest she'll choose to do what she wants re clothes at school and will probably go for what her friends are wearing.

JoanofArgos · 14/03/2011 18:14

YANBU, they are being twats. Send in the same as always, put the clothes away, and if you're asked just say she felt uncomfortable because no-one else wears that stuff.

Original poster
Namechangearamanama · 14/03/2011 18:16

He has since called me back to tell me actually it was our DD who had said she thought it wasn't a proper school because of the no uniform (sounds like something a 4 year old would think of by herself) and his parents were merely providing her with what would make her happy at school because i hadn't done so.

I think were it not for the support of you lot, that would have sent me over the flaming edge.

As it is, how hilarious - the child LOVES school and has never mentioned a uniform, why would she? She only knows what her class friends do...! And the thought that the poor neglected little wretch had to confide in them over something she couldn't talk to her heartless mother about is more than comical. What a bunch of knobs.

OP posts:
Shodan · 14/03/2011 18:17

Could you just keep it, but cover it with sequins/ apllique patches (butterflies, flowers etc), or tye-dye the shirts. Add funky buttons to the cardi.

Then take a photo of your DD in each outfit, send to the non-inlaws saying ta ever so for the clothes, but as it was a non-uniform school you had to make it look more casual?