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Original poster

14 month old at a funeral. WWYD?

83 replies

ginnybag · 14/03/2011 14:00

My Great Aunty is 91. She was admitted to hospital over the weekend, with blood clots in her femoral arteries, and more forming in other critical places.

It was decided yesterday that she's too frail to withstand the corrective surgery for the exisitng clots and would never make a good recovery if she miraculously did come off the table. Similarly, her heart will not withstand the aggressive drugs needed to prevent more clots.

There is, therefore, nothing that can be done. She is going to die.

She knows all this, she has made peace with it, she says she's 'ready to go with God.' She's been a devoted Catholic all her life and feels she has nothing to fear.

It's dreadfully sad, but not a tragedy. She's had a good life and her death will be pain free and quick when it happens, which will be sometime in the next two weeks.

I've been very close to her all my life and will miss her beyond words, but I hope I have the courage to face my death as she's facing hers, when my time comes. Her grace was astonishing to watch; the surgeon breaking the news left with tears in his eyes.

As an elderly lady, she's known that she would die soon for some time and had made arrangements for her funeral. She was finalising these with me and my mother yesterday (G.Aunt has no children of her own, my grandmother was her sister and we're her closest family) ans she asked that my DD attend her funeral.

Great Aunt was a Paeds nurse before there were Paeds nurse, she loves children. My DD is just about to turn 14 months. G.Aunt wants Marie to come to the funeral.

My thought is no - it will be a full Catholic Funeral Mass, long and solemn, followed by burial in the churchyard. DH thinks she should go - she's family and G.Aunt has asked for her to be there.

WWYD?

(And, on a much lighter, completely spurious note - if she is going, what the devil does she wear?)

OP posts:
RightUpMyRue · 14/03/2011 14:07

Is it possible for her to come for some of it, the wake for instance? Do you have friend who could have her whilst the ceremony is happening and then bring her once that part is out of the way? Perhaps DH could come later with DD?

People may appreciate the lightness and fun a 14 month brings, toddling about once the heavy ceremony is over?

I agree with you, a long, solemn ceremony will be beyond boring for her and she will want more attention than you can give her, it's important for you to have some grieving time, it may be very difficult for you. Not nice for her to see her mummy in tears and have no understanding of it either.

As for clothes, a nice dress but nothing too flashy? Tricky one that.

muddleduck · 14/03/2011 14:07

I'd say take her.

as long as:

  1. it won't distract you from saying goodbye properly Sad
  2. you can rely on your DH to take her off somewhere when she inevitable gets bored.

(I did this for DH's grans funeral and it worked well.)

OpheliaBumps · 14/03/2011 14:08

We took my 14 month old DTs to my DSis's funeral. However, to avoid them disrupting the service and distressing any other mourners, my Dh & BIL (married to my other sis, not the widower BIL) entertained them outside the church. We then all walked round to the burial together, and again, my BIL & other DSis (neither of whom are good with burials) stood slightly away from the grave while the interrment (excuse spelling) went ahead.

They were very popular at the wake, everyone wanted a cuddle with them, and thanked us for bringing them.

DTS wore smart black trousers and a shirt, and DTD wore a darkish pink dress. I think anything smart is fine, no-one expects them in head to toe black.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/03/2011 14:08

Firstly I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. It isn't easy going through this situation even when prepared.

Personally I wouldn't take a 14 month old to a funeral as I don't think it would be suitable for the other mourners and you don't know how well you will cope with grief on the day as well as handling a baby.

If you decide to take your DD then take lots of food and fun bits to entertain her as Catholic funerals can go on for a while. I'd go with a black dress with black tights, but it depends on if everyone is going down a traditional route?

Hope you are okay OP.

Iwantscallops · 14/03/2011 14:09

Sorry to hear about your Great Aunt. I would take her. It is your Great Aunts request.

If she is disruptive in church then ask your Dh to take her out for a look aroung the churchyard.

Personally myself, to see a young child at a funeral is a pleasant distraction.

I would put her in a colourful beautiful dress.

curlymama · 14/03/2011 14:09

I'd let her go, is there any way you could bring a friend though to take her out if needs be so that you can still be there? Take books and things, and just do your best.

And let her wear something pretty and bright but smart. Don't worry about the colour.

rinabean · 14/03/2011 14:10

Sorry to hear about this, OP.

I agree with RightUpMyRue that if you can take her for part of it, that would be best.

For clothes, perhaps she could wear lavender? That's a mourning colour but it's not so harsh on a little child.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/03/2011 14:10

Actually Ophelia's post sounds like a much better idea re dresses. A black dress on a baby could be a bit much.

Chil1234 · 14/03/2011 14:11

I'd take her. My own DS was about 2.5 when my grandmother died, she loved him to bits, and I didn't think twice about him being there along with the other children in the family. Besides which, there was no-one to look after him so it was either we both went or no-one went (not acceptable). Having the little ones there made the occasion much less maudlin and much more cheerful than it might have been otherwise and all the children were remarkably well behaved.

Your great aunt has made a specific request.... I'd say it would be nice to honour it.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/03/2011 14:11

Apologies for referring to your grandmother and not your great Aunt.

tigana · 14/03/2011 14:12

If great aunt said she wants DD there, then stand proud and take her.
We took ds to (far too many Sad) funerals as a baby/toddler.
aAt 1 we were asked by the widow if he could stay outside for the church ceremony, which was fine ( I wandered about with him, while dh was in church - his relative)

take lots of drinks/foods/soft quiet toys/
position self close to doors in case of baby-meltdown.
she can wear whatever.
ds wore dark/smart clothes ( b&w stripe tshirt once iirc).
Babies/children are a welcome distraction after the ceremony.

ednurse · 14/03/2011 14:15

Is there a close friend you could take with you? That way she can sit with you and DD in the service and if DD becomes restless then she can take her outside.

beesimo · 14/03/2011 14:15

Whatever you feel is the right thing is the right thing to do. You know your DD best. My children attended Catholic family funerals from when they were tiny. It is completely appropriate if the child starts crying to quietly slip out be sure to sit where its easy to get out. Dress baby nicely as in nice little cotton dress white cardi little shoes. Don't worried about what is right and wrong you are showing your last respects to the lady. I probably wouldn't take baby to grave if you haven't been to a internment before you may be upset seeing the coffin go down and that would upset DD

meditrina · 14/03/2011 14:16

I am sorry to hear about your Great Aunt and wish you peace at such a difficult time.

She has asked for your DD to be there, and I think you should respect her wishes if at all possible. Especially as the family know these are her wishes and will also want DD there.

It's an emotional occasion, and for the sake of the other mourners, it would be helpful if you sit in a part of the church where any noise will not be intrusive and from which a quick get-away can be made. You'll need plenty of quiet activities (does she like colouring?). A break to play in the churchyard sounds like a good idea too.

And her presence will be very life affirming and welcomed at a wake.

[I suggest she wears as traditional a dress she has in a restrained colour or subdued pattern].

MrsTittleMouse · 14/03/2011 14:17

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. :(

If your DH is on hand to look after your DD - will you have other support? That would be my concern - that DH would have to whisk DD out and that I would be left on my own for the funeral.

In your position, I would get a babysitter for the funeral mass (MIL?) and then take DD to the wake, where it is often lovely to have physical proof that life goes on.

GooseyLoosey · 14/03/2011 14:20

Take her. Get dh to sit with her at the back by the aisle. That way, if it gets too much for her, he can just pick her up and go for a walk outside.

Just put her in a nice dress - children should not wear any kind of mourning.

bringonthegoat · 14/03/2011 14:21

Sorry to hear about your GA.

I would take her, dressed in a pretty dress - I have a lovely red silk one from Monsson which I would consider appropriate. I would ask DH to take her outside when she gets bored. Agree she would be a welcome distraction at the wake - take her some toys though Smile

salsarocks · 14/03/2011 14:22

I took my 7 month old DD to my Great Aunt's funeral. She did babble a bit and kept patting my Mum's back who was sitting in front of us and dreadfully upset. I think it brought a bit of light relief to everyone.

The funeral was in the north of Scotland, we had to leave our house early doors and only made it in the nick of time - DD was still wearing her bright pink sleep suit.

I think as long as you have quiet snacks and books for her and your OH is willing to take DD outside if noisy it will be fine. It sounds like your G Aunt was a really child orientated person and it is so nice she has asked your DD to be there.

DD will love the hymns too.

bonkers20 · 14/03/2011 14:23

I am sorry to hear your news. I hope you find comfort in being able to be with your GA at this time. What a blessing that she has got to know your DD.

Deinitely take her. As others have said, make sure there is someone other than you to take care of her. The direct family will want to be focussing on the service (yourself included), but maybe your DH will be able to take her out if necessary, or at least sit near the back. People will want to help you and you may find lots of friends of the family offering to take her for a walk.

It will be a comfort for you to have her with you.

I agree that in some cases it's not appropriate to take such a young child, but when you are direct family I think it's absolutely right. It sounds like you were like a grandchild to her and your DD her great grandchild.

Of course, if YOU feel you would rather her not be there for your own sakes - so you can focus on the service then that's fine too and no one will think it strange.

Agree also to putting her in something pretty. Children are too young to be put in mourning clothes these days.

Also, children are a great distraction and she will put a smile of people's faces after the service.

JsOtherHalf · 14/03/2011 14:23

My nieces ( 3 and 3 months) attended my mother's funeral ( she died in an accident). I found having them there very comforting. However, I will point out this was in Northern Ireland where children attending a funeral is much more common.

One of my memories of that day is seeing my eldest niece playing by the grave, picking daisies.

Debs75 · 14/03/2011 14:23

I took my 3 week old dd to my Aunts funeral. She fed in the church then slept through the rest of the service and crematorium and fed again at the wake. The only faff I found was the putting buggies up and down.
My cousin brought her 16 month old to the same funeral and she brought him snacks to distract him and his favourite teddy incase he got fractious, we both sat on the end of pews so we could escape if needed. we didn't. He wore ble trousers and a check shirt and jumper. They don't have to wear black just look smart and comfortable. DD was in a bright pink romper.
People tend to like children/babies at funerals, except my mum who always think they get in the way, and we had loads of people talking to us and reminiscing.

ilovesprouts · 14/03/2011 14:24

sorry to hear about your ga ,id take her

eaglewings · 14/03/2011 14:26

I took my kids to my grandmothers funeral but took a friend to entertain them and my nephews from the half way point.

DD wore a dress, nice colour not black

A funeral is a celebration of someones life as well as a goodbye

IMO children should be allowed to go to funerals - having taken many I think they cope better than the adults think they will

GORGEOUSX · 14/03/2011 14:32

I think you should take your DD - and she should wear what she would wear on any other day in March - everyday wear.

She will be a very welcome distraction, for many, I'm sure and there will be lots of people to keep her amused.

NomNomNom · 14/03/2011 14:36

Very sorry about your Great Aunt. We took DD to a Catholic funeral, wake and everything when she was 8 months old. Everyone was very pleased she was there as she brightened their moods and provided some distraction.

I realise that an 8 month old baby is slightly more portable than a 14 month old though. Does your DD walk yet? I'd suggest timing her nap so that she might sleep during mass, lots of exciting toys and books (similar to going on a plane), and just taking her outside if she's a bit noisy. People won't mind if you/your DH take her outside and I reckon they won't really mind if she's a little bit noisy either, so don't stress yourself out about how DD will behave and fit in.

Your DD being there will make everyone's day a lot nicer.