14 month old at a funeral. WWYD?

[ginnybag]

My Great Aunty is 91. She was admitted to hospital over the weekend, with blood clots in her femoral arteries, and more forming in other critical places.

It was decided yesterday that she's too frail to withstand the corrective surgery for the exisitng clots and would never make a good recovery if she miraculously did come off the table. Similarly, her heart will not withstand the aggressive drugs needed to prevent more clots.

There is, therefore, nothing that can be done. She is going to die.

She knows all this, she has made peace with it, she says she's 'ready to go with God.' She's been a devoted Catholic all her life and feels she has nothing to fear.

It's dreadfully sad, but not a tragedy. She's had a good life and her death will be pain free and quick when it happens, which will be sometime in the next two weeks.

I've been very close to her all my life and will miss her beyond words, but I hope I have the courage to face my death as she's facing hers, when my time comes. Her grace was astonishing to watch; the surgeon breaking the news left with tears in his eyes.

As an elderly lady, she's known that she would die soon for some time and had made arrangements for her funeral. She was finalising these with me and my mother yesterday (G.Aunt has no children of her own, my grandmother was her sister and we're her closest family) ans she asked that my DD attend her funeral.

Great Aunt was a Paeds nurse before there were Paeds nurse, she loves children. My DD is just about to turn 14 months. G.Aunt wants Marie to come to the funeral.

My thought is no - it will be a full Catholic Funeral Mass, long and solemn, followed by burial in the churchyard. DH thinks she should go - she's family and G.Aunt has asked for her to be there.

WWYD?

(And, on a much lighter, completely spurious note - if she is going, what the devil does she wear?)

What a sad, but loving OP.

Having taken all my children to funerals, I think you maybe surprised how well behaved they are during the service. All mine have picked up on the mood, and behaved very well. Also, having a toddler to hold on to gives you something to do, rather than fiddle nervously with your hands, like I would. If she does get restless and loud could your DH take her out side?

I would say a smart dress in almost any colour would be appropriate for your DD.

take her. your great aunt wants her to be there. have someone on hand who can take her outside if need be.

when it was my grandma's funeral (she brought me up, so she was like my mum really) i took my 7 month old ds and my just turned 4 year old dd. dh held ds and went into the adjoining parish hall after a while with him. he then slept through the burial. dd on the other hand found it all fascinating. she sat at the front with me and my sister and even had a good go joining in with the hymns. she was fine through the funeral, and the burial, and was a delight at the wake afterwards.

as far as clothes go, i wouldn't dress a child in black. ds was in a smart blue sleepsuit type outfit, wrapped in a blanket. dd wore a smart navy blue pinafore dress with a white cardigan and a red alice band.

please take your dd, i know 14 months is a bit awkward, my ds is now 15 months old and does get a bit erm..shouty. but your great aunt wants her there. you are immediate family. i hope it goes ok for you all.

We took dd1 to her great grandmas funeral when she was 11 months old. It was a full service (not catholic though) we had bought a few things for her to play with and she happily totted around with her toys climbed up to grand me and grandads lap for a cuddle and into aunties lap for one too. then loudly went bye bye as we walked out.

Every single person there came up to use saying how wonderful it was to have her there and how they had seen it like a reminder that lifes goes on and grandma is still here in this little girl.

I would 100% do it and not worry much about how to cope bring her some food and some favourite (quiet) toys and she will be perfectly happy.

Sorry to hear about your GA.
I would take your DD. As your GA has specifically requested this, I would do everything possible to honour her request.

Even if your DH spends most of the actual service walking her about outside, that still means she will be able to be there for the wake part and you will stil be able to concentrate on the service.

Sorry to hear about your GA. You are very lucky to be able to spend this time with her and say goodbye. I would say take your DD if that's what your GA has asked for.

I was very close to my grandmother who passed away last April. My DD was 3 and I took her with me. She was fine and took it all in her stride. She even reminds me sometimes that big nanny, as she called her, is in gods house now and we went to say goodbye to her. I know your DD is younger, but i don't see anything wrong in taking children to funerals of close family. It's all part and parcel of life.

Take care.

I took my DS at that sort of age to a friend's mum's funeral. It was a long service (she was a committed churchgoer) but we sat right at the back with a bag of rice cakes and he was fine. At the wake, all the old ladies loved having him there and said that it was good to be reminded of children and the future.

I was very glad that I took him. And he just wore his ordinary clothes

First of all, as other posters have said, I'm sorry to hear about your great-aunt.

I would take your DD to the funeral. I would try and sit at the back and, beforehand, nominate someone (your DH maybe or a SIL if you have one) to take her out if she gets too noisy. Likewise with the cemetery. I definitely would take her to the wake. Have, luckily, only been to a couple of Catholic funerals so far and children are always very welcome at the wake. They are quite often walked about outside quite a bit during the funeral Mass.

I do hope that everything goes well for you and your family, OP.

So sorry to hear about your G Aunt, but she sounds like an amazing lady, and so brave and strong.

Normally I'd say don't take the baby (I didn't take DD to my grandma's funeral when she was about the same age as she would have just been a PITA as she's a challenging child at the best of times) but as your aunt has specifically asked you to, then I think yes, you should. As others have suggested, perhaps have DH or another relative on hand to whisk her out for a walk if she gets fractious, or even if she doesn't, as you need to be able to engage with the service yourself, being so close.

As to what to wear, how about a dress in your Aunt's favourite colour?

My thoughts are with you all.

Sorry to hear about your Great-Aunt.
I would definitely take your daughter to the funeral, as others have said, and others to be on hand to take her out for a few moments if needed - but children can sometimes be perfectly fine through a service of this kind, and other family and friends can be really glad to see a young child.

We have taken very young children to funerals and it hasn't been an issue, and has been much appreciated. The one funeral I couldn't fully attend was with my three month old at the funeral of a family member I was very close to - I was asked to stay in the car for the committal at the crematorium in case he cried and disturbed the short service. I have always remembered crying my eyes out in the car with him whilst the service took place without me, and have regretted not standing up for my desire to be there. Needless to say, he would not have cried anyway. Taking your daughter to this service will connect your daughter to this lady who is very dear to you.

Whatever you choose, I wish all the best for you and your family in the next few days.

what is it with the English and excluding s
children ?

there is even a thread about child free weddings ...

I took my son to his grandmas funeral. I think its fair that they get the same opportunity to 'say goodbye' as everyone else does.

Because there are situations that are appropriate for adults only.

The OP isn't talking about a 8-year old here, who needs to say her own goodbyes. This is a toddler, who won't understand what is going on and might be disruptive. I didn't take my children to funerals as toddlers, as I didn't want to have to focus all my attention on them. I needed to be selfish, and switch off my Mum instincts for a change, and focus on me and my grief. My small children didn't care a fig that I was bereaved. That's not how small children work.

(not that I'm am saying that you shouldn't go, OP, just that it's important that you have someone who can look after your DD, so that you don't have to)

Have taken my children to many funeral over the years.

The only thing they miss out on when young was the crem bit we then when back to house to help sort it all out food and stuff and have a run around before all the adults came back.

The thing you have to remember when it is Catholic Requiem mass it is just a normal weekday mass with a bit extra.
so there will often me other mothers and babies there.
and as for clothes as others have said just smart ones will do.

What an amazing GA.

If that is what your GA wants then, yes, I think you should take her if you feel comfortable about it.

I attended a baby's funeral a while back at a Catholic church. There were dozens of children there (that was what the parents wanted) and it was an absolutely amazing affair. Babies openly nursing in church, toddlers in the aisles, the whole funeral focussed on the concept of family because that is what is important to the family who had lost their child and what they wanted.

The idea that death and mourning isn't suitable for children stems from Victorian times - before and since, and in most other cultures, it is/was considered normal to take children to funerals. Although your DD will be too young to remember, OP, I do think it's important for them to understand that adults get sad sometimes, and that it's OK to express that grief - such an important lesson for them to learn as they get older.

Obviously if the main mourner feels different that's another issue entirely, but here it sounds as if the rest of the family will want to honour your GAs wishes.

I took my three year old daughter and 14 month old son to my grandmother's funeral where I gave the eulogy and was quite upset. It was fine - my GM was 97 and had had a happy life, everyone was sad that she had gone but pleased to see each other and particularly pleased to see the children and, although my GM's death had been protracted and unpleasant, it ended up being a very happy funeral. She was also Catholic and had the full mass and we went onto a crematorium.

My husband held my son and took him outside when he squawked a bit but otherwise it wasn't any problem having them there and I dressed them as I would for any other formalish occasion - I didn't feel it was necessary to put them in dark colours.

Three years on, my daughter still talks (positively) about being there and having a chance to say goodbye to my GM, she wasn't traumatised by it and none of the other mourners seemed to think it was odd that she should come.

ginny, your GA sounds fabulous.

Nothing I can add to what has been said already.

Sorry you are going to lose such a fabulous lady.

Thanks for the good wishes, ladies. It is really appeciated.

GA is still here, to the surprise of her doctors, although she is very much on the cusp, I think.

I took my (much) younger brother to say goodbye to her yesterday and he got very upset because her breathing is very depressed by the morphine she's on. He kept thinking she'd died!

She, on the other hand, woke up long enough to notice that he was there, smiled and went back to sleep. He was the last of the close family to go.

Still in two minds but leaning far more to taking DD now, tbh. My mum says she wouldn't have taken us at that age but is happy to leave the decision to me, given GA requested it. I haen't asked her sister yet, who is the only other person with a closer connecton than mine, iyswim, as she's been understandably busy.

It may be academic in any case, as the church tends to schedule funerals at their 9am mass, which will mean us staying the night before to be sure of getting there. Since I've never left DD overnight, would have no-one to leave her with in this case, and don't think my nerves need the added strain, that will be that and she'll have to come!

I've taken a one year old to a few funerals - at 14 months she behaved impeccably (thanks to a couple of cheap new toys and lots of raisins). She was a great comfort to the immediate family, and I was repeatedly thanked for bringing her. More recently, she was very excited by her Daddy and uncles being pallbearers and kept shouting for them to "COME HERE!" she also delighted in spotting other relatives in the seats around. I had to remove her after five minutes because she was having too much fun and I couldn't get her to be quieter. She was so full of beans that she just charged about at the reception too.

So you never really know how a todder will behave. Hope it all goes well.

and obviously, I am sorry for your loss

So sorry about your Great aunt- she sounds an amazing lady.

I took my 10 month old dd to my aunt's funeral- she fell asleep for most of the service but was remarkably well behaved throughout.
Dh did take her outside at one point. At the wake everyone said how lovely it was to see her there and how glad they were that I brought her. She did start babbling at one point in the service but the Vicar just smiled at me- it wasn't an issue.

If you GA wanted her to be there then I wold honour her wish and take her and have your dh ready to take her outside if it gets too long for her.

Just to keep you all updated (because OP's who don't are annoying! ) GA died in the early hours of the 17th, peacefully.

The funeral really is the full shebang - she's apending the night in the church in font of the alter and the funeral is very early in the morning.

Which makes the decision for me, I'm afraid. We won't be able to drop her with her minder and make it in time, and I'm needed the night before in any case.

I'll let you all know how she behaves.

Thank you so much to those who've expressed sympanthy - t'is very strange knowing she's not around anymore.

Having the whole shebang is usually comforting - wishing you well at this time.

We had to take my two to my Grandad's funeral as it was too far and morning to go on the day. They were 3 years and 11 months. They were brilliant, Grandma gave my eldest a book to read at the church, she sat with Mum and Grandma and was lovely. Their Dad took them to get something to eat whilst we went to the cemetery then met us at the wake.

My Grandad was a retired minister, still active and popular. His funeral was taken by the highest bishop who was also his best friend as they'd gone to Boy's Brigade together then Bible College. So the service was quite long and I'd have expected the girls to get bored but they were fine. I'm sure you'll be impressed afterwards at how well she handles it.

I was 67 yesterday and had bc in 2006.When I die I want bright colours,children,balloons and lively music-let them dance and throw flowers and say 'she was fun'.It sounds as if your dga was a similar person so I would dress your child in lavender and buy her a big balloon to 'send up to aunty' sfter the service.

At my auntie's funeral, her grandchildren attended (4 and 3) as she had asked them to. They both wore their wedding outfits, as she had been due to marry two days after she died.

Everyone was crying during the service, the little girl was dancing to the song we had playing! Made everyone smile and my auntie would have loved it.