14 month old at a funeral. WWYD?

[ginnybag]

My Great Aunty is 91. She was admitted to hospital over the weekend, with blood clots in her femoral arteries, and more forming in other critical places.

It was decided yesterday that she's too frail to withstand the corrective surgery for the exisitng clots and would never make a good recovery if she miraculously did come off the table. Similarly, her heart will not withstand the aggressive drugs needed to prevent more clots.

There is, therefore, nothing that can be done. She is going to die.

She knows all this, she has made peace with it, she says she's 'ready to go with God.' She's been a devoted Catholic all her life and feels she has nothing to fear.

It's dreadfully sad, but not a tragedy. She's had a good life and her death will be pain free and quick when it happens, which will be sometime in the next two weeks.

I've been very close to her all my life and will miss her beyond words, but I hope I have the courage to face my death as she's facing hers, when my time comes. Her grace was astonishing to watch; the surgeon breaking the news left with tears in his eyes.

As an elderly lady, she's known that she would die soon for some time and had made arrangements for her funeral. She was finalising these with me and my mother yesterday (G.Aunt has no children of her own, my grandmother was her sister and we're her closest family) ans she asked that my DD attend her funeral.

Great Aunt was a Paeds nurse before there were Paeds nurse, she loves children. My DD is just about to turn 14 months. G.Aunt wants Marie to come to the funeral.

My thought is no - it will be a full Catholic Funeral Mass, long and solemn, followed by burial in the churchyard. DH thinks she should go - she's family and G.Aunt has asked for her to be there.

WWYD?

(And, on a much lighter, completely spurious note - if she is going, what the devil does she wear?)

I've never taken my DS to a funeral service(although I've been to a few since he was born). But I've been lucky(?) that it's been my friends and DH has been able to take him during the service and join us for the wake without feeling like he has missed out.

People have actually really welcomed his presence at the wake, as others have said to 'lighten the mood' but if I'm honest I didn't feel like it was fair to make him sit through a solemn mass when he had no idea what was going on and why everyone was sad.

I went to my grandmas funeral as a child and it was open casket. I remember having nightmare for a long time after that she was going to wake up all zombie like and 'get' me (even though I loved her when she was alive).

I think it's hard to know what your child understands around death, particularly when verbal ability is limited. Personally, I wouldn't take her.

Sorry for your loss op, sounds like a good life lived well.

My great aunt is 91 and has just been told she has lung cancer, very small tumour so is having radiotherapy. Surgeon basically said old age will kill her first, but because she has such a zest for life and has survived so much, he is happy to treat her(at great cost). We came home and talked and she said, 'i wonder if I should maybe think about making a will, I mean, what if I only get another twenty years?' Rock on. Anyway, we talked funerals and she is Catholic and wants all the children there, if they cry she doesn't mind, said she won't hear!

I took my ds to my brothers funeral when he was four and my best friend's when he was two, and he came to the mortuary and the chapel of rest. Kids are curious, and pretty unshockable, and they take the lead from us. If we appear confident and calm, they are too. Life's a cycle, it's a learning experience for them.

I hope your aunt has a lovely send off.x

We've had two funerals since we had the kids. First one, DD1 was 2.5, she stayed outside in the crem and then came to the wake (it was BIL, young man who died of cancer, so very very sad and would have been distressing for her). DD2 was inside me at the time, so I suppose she came to it all. DD1 wore a black velvet dress, frilly white ankle socks and black patent shoes.

Second one was my Grandad, a church funeral for a 97 year old man. Both kids (by now 3 and 10 months) came to the whole thing, they rode in the car to the church with us (in the second car) then they sat near the back with my ILs, who took them out when they got fidgety and brought them back to the village hall for "papas picnic" as DD1 called it. They wore matching outfits of black leggings, grey skirts and black and grey tops, and DD1 had a black hairclip and ribbon in her hair. They then went to the playground with the ILs while we went to the grave.

Both lots of outfits were clothes they wore again, but then my taste does tend towards the slightly gothy, so they do have lots of dark coloured clothes. I think anything smart and sombre would have been fine.

I think both were right, as the first funeral was a lot more "raw" and there was lots of wailing and distress, whereas my grandads, while we shed tears, was more of a happy remembering of a long life well lived.

Hope that helps.

It is unlikely to be something DD will remember at her age, but she is obv unlikely to understand what's going on, and will get easily bored. So, as others have suggested, take her alone with some quiet toys, prime DH to take her out so you don't have sole responsibility if you need to cry/chat to others/just be.

As long as it isn't likely to be upsetting for her, then take her if it won't be too much hard work for you. Your GA really wanted DD there, and GA sounds like she was/is an awesome lady who deserves an awesome sendoff.

Not to sound callous, but as someone has already pointed out GA won't hear if she cries; she also won't know if she's there.

It's totally up to you to make a judgement on what the day will be like and how well you think your DD will cope with it, but I don't really think GA should be the one deciding whether you take DD if I'm brutally honest. It has to be about what's best for DD, as it may be GAs preference, but it really won't affect her either way.

Sorry for your loss OP, your Great Aunt sounded like quite a woman.

We took both DSs to FIL funeral the youngest being 15 months at the time.
My mum and My sister and BIL were on hand to look after him while I took care of DH and DS1 than aged 4.

Hope all goes well xx

Take her, but have someone on hand (husband or friend) to take her out if she's unhappy. And what do you think your GA would like to see her wear? My daughters (then 2 and 4) wore beautiful bright colours for their grandmother's funeral because I know it would have saddened her to have seen them dressed in mourning.

I have always taken the little ones to funerals. Not sure about the UK but in Ireland a lot of big churches have a "crying room" which is soundproofed and separate from the rest of the church but has windows and speakers so you can see and hear what's going on. The odd time, I have had to wander around the grounds with the child if they got antsy. People won't care how she's dressed so long as shes reasonably neat and tidy. And she will be a lovely diversion after the funeral.