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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 month old at a funeral. WWYD?

83 replies

ginnybag · 14/03/2011 14:00

My Great Aunty is 91. She was admitted to hospital over the weekend, with blood clots in her femoral arteries, and more forming in other critical places.

It was decided yesterday that she's too frail to withstand the corrective surgery for the exisitng clots and would never make a good recovery if she miraculously did come off the table. Similarly, her heart will not withstand the aggressive drugs needed to prevent more clots.

There is, therefore, nothing that can be done. She is going to die.

She knows all this, she has made peace with it, she says she's 'ready to go with God.' She's been a devoted Catholic all her life and feels she has nothing to fear.

It's dreadfully sad, but not a tragedy. She's had a good life and her death will be pain free and quick when it happens, which will be sometime in the next two weeks.

I've been very close to her all my life and will miss her beyond words, but I hope I have the courage to face my death as she's facing hers, when my time comes. Her grace was astonishing to watch; the surgeon breaking the news left with tears in his eyes.

As an elderly lady, she's known that she would die soon for some time and had made arrangements for her funeral. She was finalising these with me and my mother yesterday (G.Aunt has no children of her own, my grandmother was her sister and we're her closest family) ans she asked that my DD attend her funeral.

Great Aunt was a Paeds nurse before there were Paeds nurse, she loves children. My DD is just about to turn 14 months. G.Aunt wants Marie to come to the funeral.

My thought is no - it will be a full Catholic Funeral Mass, long and solemn, followed by burial in the churchyard. DH thinks she should go - she's family and G.Aunt has asked for her to be there.

WWYD?

(And, on a much lighter, completely spurious note - if she is going, what the devil does she wear?)

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 14:40

Sorry to hear about your great aunt, never thought funerals were the place for children, however each to their own, am sure you can manage with her sitting at the back and being ready to leave if necessary, your GA has asked that she is there so best to take her.

Original poster
ginnybag · 14/03/2011 14:49

Thanks for the response, ladies. Surprised by so many saying to take her.

I've sat through other similar services and internments before, for my Grandmother, Grandad and Great Uncle, so I know what to expect.

I agree that having her at the get together afterwards would be lovely and likely a welcome break for people but there's no-one who won't be attending the funeral who could look after her, unfortunately, other than her regular childminder. As we live 40 miles from where the service will be, DD will have to be there for all of it or none.

I may ask my mum for her opinion. The last thing I want is for DD to either get upset herself or to upset someone else unintentionally.

Loving the thoughts on dressing her, though. Rinabean, lavender would be ideal - it is Great Aunt's favourite colour and since DD is the first blue-eyed blonde in the family since her (we're all dark haired and brown eyed) would look lovely on her.

(I freely acknowledge I'm focusing on the clothes thing as a distraction, btw!)

OP posts:
CradleCrap · 14/03/2011 14:51

Sorry Sad

I took DS to DH best friends funeral at about the same age except DS and I didn't go in. We were there for everyone entering and leaving the church. Everyone thought we had been inside and congratulated me on such a well behaved DS.

I personally don't think that the ceramony is a place for children but at the "do" afterwards they provide a welcome ice braeker.

DS wore his smarted outfit - brightly coloured.

firstforthought · 14/03/2011 14:52

my then 2/3 yr old went to 3 funerals last year. my dad, brother and uncle. she sat at the back with my friends and her comments made the mourners smile. she placed a toy brick on my uncles coffin in memory of playing together.

firstforthought · 14/03/2011 14:54

oh yes, take her. i know my daughter was older but still i would say yes.

Debs75 · 14/03/2011 14:55

Ginnybag Your dd is unlikely to get upset but she will probably get bored as it is a lot of quiet sitting. That is where the distraction comes in with toys, books and goodies

LDNmummy · 14/03/2011 14:56

Death is a natural part of life, I don't think its a bad idea, especially if your great aunt wants her there. Maybe just make sure you have enough things to keep her occupied during the service.

I am sorry about your aunt BTW.

Chil1234 · 14/03/2011 14:58

Your DD won't get upset because death is not on their radar. If anything, she'll find the whole thing very interesting... lots of people, music, different atmosphere & environment. Tell her that people will be sad and some may be crying... a toddler can understand that. And as for the idea that a baby could upset someone else. She's there at the specific request of the deceased, so if she laughs or makes a noise in the wrong place, that's presumably exactly what your GA intended.

thumbwitch · 14/03/2011 15:01

Tricky one and one I haven't had to face myself, thankfully.

My sister has though - and she took her DDs, both to my grandfather's funeral, and to my mum's funeral. At my grandfather's funeral, it was just the one DD - and she was pretty good, but did cause a distraction by burbling away whenever my sister couldn't keep her quiet. She wasn't in black for that one (she would have been just about 1). For my mum's funeral, all 3 DDs came and were dressed in black velvet - it did look very sombre but then it was a sombre time!

If your great aunt has asked for her to go then I think it would be a nice thing to honour her wishes - it won't do her any harm and lots of people do like to see small children at funerals (the whole "circle of life" thing, I suppose). I'm not one of them but don't mind them being there so long as they aren't disruptive [old gimmer]

Condolences on being about to lose your great aunt, btw. :(

thumbwitch · 14/03/2011 15:09

One thing though - if you are going to take her and take toys for distraction, please don't take anything with wheels (or noisy in any way). My father was deeply distressed at my mother's funeral by my brother's children running a wooden tractor (or somesuch) along the back of the pew that we were sitting in, chattering and generally being disruptive while their mother did absolutely SFA to stop them. In the end, my brother had to tell her to take their children outside. My sister and her partner, OTOH, did their best to keep their 3 under control and they weren't really a problem, except that they could see their cousins misbehaving and couldn't understand why they couldn't join in.

MistyB · 14/03/2011 15:11

I took my DD to a funeral of a relative, dressed in her best white flowery dress, when she was a little younger than your DD. She was a very cute little baby and many people were pleased to see her there and people who didn't know me said how nice it was to see the youngest generation there.

In Catholic churches, there is usually an area (sometimes at the back) where children can go with their parents if they are a little noisy. Saying that, there was a toddler at this particular funeral who sang Old McDonald during a rather solemn part of the service (and was removed by her rather embarassed Mum) and people didn't mind.

The funeral of someone who has lived a full life is in part a celebration of their life and I think your Great Aunt would be very pleased if you took her. I'm quite sure other mourners will be only too happy to see evidence of the circle of life and having her there will not upset anyone.

MintyMoo · 14/03/2011 15:42

I'm very sorry to hear about your Great Aunt, she sounds like she's a wonderful woman.

I would take DD - your Great Aunt wants her there and I think babies can bring an element of hope to funerals. One of my school friends died when I was 17, his niece had been born the day before he died and his sister couldn't very well have left a newborn at home, or missed the funeral. So she took the little one, she didn't cry once (slept through) but everyone enjoyed meeting her - my friend had been so thrilled to have a niece so we felt honoured to share in his joy and remember he had been very happy when he died because of that little girl.

valiumredhead · 14/03/2011 15:48

I would take her and wear whatever she feels comfy in. Somber doesn't apply to kids unless they want to wear black.

At my Great Uncle's funeral his grandaughter wore a red velvet dress - she was about a year old.

I echo the fact that children bring an element of hope.

Housemum · 14/03/2011 15:52

Can't really add to the above, think it's all been said re what to do. You know her best, and what would keep her happy/quiet.

As regards clothes, I took DD2 (admittedly a lot younger, she was only 3 mths so no entertainment issues that couldn't be sorted with milk) to my nan's funeral wearing her smartest dress (fairly traditional pale pink) but tied a small black ribbon bow on it (there was a loop of fabric at the front that it just neatly fitted onto)

birdofthenorth · 14/03/2011 15:52

If it was me I'd take her. It's a family time & she's family. I've never understood keeping kids at bay at funerals tbh, if they behave like kids that's life, I don't think it would make people more upset.

Re clothes, Mothercare has dark Baby K dresses on sale atm... but I think let her where whatever she normally would, she is a bubba, no-one will mind her looking like her usual self (maybe not bright yellow or cartoon character clothing etc though, but normal pink girly stuff fine I reckon!)

birdofthenorth · 14/03/2011 15:54

Wear not where Blush

AuntiePickleBottom · 14/03/2011 16:10

i would take her, wear what you would normally put on her.

i am sorry about the sad news, hope you are going to be ok

startail · 14/03/2011 16:18

Huge hugs, my favourite GA (and DD1's name sake) died at the same age. At least the Drs are being honest, they didn't tell my GA until she asked why they were drugging her up so much. No way should the family have been told before her, she was a very dignified Christian lady, who had waited to be at the deaths of both her younger brothers and her duty done was ready to join them.

DD1 2.5 went to her granny's funeral (in a navy pinafore dress she happened to have) and sat and coloured on the order of service. It was not a short service because DMIL wanted the mass said which is possible though rare in the church of England. She said people should leave having said the familiar comforting words not just feeling sad someone had died.

However, DD1 was very good at picking up the mood of an event and had family friends she knew well to swap knees with. DD2, who would have been imposible at that age was fortunatly there only as a 3 month bulge, not even large enough to stop my black skirt fitting.

Carikube · 14/03/2011 16:30

I took DD1 (17mo) and DD2 (2mo) to my cousin's funeral; my aunt and other cousin said that they thought it was lovely that they were there. DH wasn't able to come as he couldn't get the time off work but my DM, DB and DSIL all helped with cuddling etc. It all went well and I could have taken them out if the need arose.

I dressed them in nice dresses, though DD1 threw up all over herself on the way there and I realised that the spare clothes in the changing bag weren't appropriate (a t-shirt saying 'Queen of Temper Tantrums Hmm) so I had to stop at a Mothercare and buy an outfit. I didn't want to spend a fortune but needed something quick so she ended up in leggings and a t-shirt...

PlanetEarth · 14/03/2011 16:33

I would take her, as long as you or someone else can take her out if she's disruptive. Clothes - no idea, sorry!

BoattoBolivia · 14/03/2011 16:40

My dd went to a funeral at that age for my dh's uncle. As it was a sudden death , I decided not to take her into ceremony, as others would be too emotional, so we wandered round the gardens outside. Did take her to the wake, where everyone agreed she was really wanted and life affirming. Just wore one of her nicer outfits. Babies shouldn't wear black IMO.
Personally, In your situation, I think I would take her to the ceremony but sit on the end of a pew so she can sit on the floor and play. Is there anyone who is likely to be upset by a gentle babble?

Isthreetoomany · 14/03/2011 16:42

I would take her.

I took a 6 month old to a friend's funeral a few years ago. The vicar coming up to me before the service started saying that she loved to see babies at funerals as she felt that it helps people to be reminded of the whole cycle of life. Maybe not all churches would be the same, but the vicar also that if DD1 cried I should not worry about taking her out of the church (however, when she did cry, I did take her out as I wasn't personally comfortable with her crying). Clothese wise, I'm afraid I cannot remember what I dressed her in.

mummytime · 14/03/2011 16:51

We took my Ds to my DH's Uncle's very high Anglican funeral (200 miles away) when he was about this age. We took him for a walk before hand, and he actually slept through the whole thing (including me taking communion). If he'd been fractious I would have taken him out.
Babies and small children are often a bright spot on such a sad occasion.
I'm sure he wore relatively smart clothes, but not necessarily black or similar.

Skifit · 14/03/2011 16:55

I would take DD , your Grandmother requested it.

God Bless your Gmother....she has had a really long life...91 yrs is an amazing age..
Take little one to the funeral and dress her in anything nice.
No matter what, you grandmother will be proud. xx

KristinaM · 14/03/2011 16:56

On a practical note, if you want to buy a dark ish smart dress you will need to hurry as all the winter stock is on sale

Sorry about your GA.I hope her strong with faith will sustain her and comfort you all through her last days