To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

swallowedAFly - I think you are being quite ridiculous here. Marriage is first and foremost about two adults sharing their lives; children come second.

Are you serious Bonsoir?? So you think a husband and wife need to be together more than a mother and child do? Really?

"Realistically Ladies, how long could you maintain not seeing your husbands if they were abroad? If you could only see them every six weeks as they couldn't afford the trip home each weekend? I know that I couldn't have done it for more than the two years I did - how many of you have ever been faced with choice of this in reality as opposed to hypothesising on this thread?"

Does that mean that if my partner gets sent to prison I can pack the kids of the boarding school at the taxpayers' expense so I can and live on the Isle of White (say) for ease of visiting?

Yes, I know I'm being facetious and sorry about that, but it's just not a coherent argument.

I know, my message wasn't coherent either. Sorry for typos. Must be in a fervour of excitement remembering getting snogged by a rich Arab prince at the back of the chapel.

Swallowed, it isn't a month or so at a time though. I sa dh once very six weeks for two years. If it was he's away for a month then home for a long spell fab, but a 12 hour trip home on a Friday for 1 full day and then leaving at 0800 on a Sunday morning, and his leave doesn't always coincide with yours, is hard. Try doing it before you spout about it. I have done the 'manning up' for most of my marriage, so the longest I have lived with dh in 25 years at any one stretch is now for 4 years. He isn't just my romantic partner, he is my husband.

You are hypothesising and I hope you never have to make some of the choices that Forces families have to make, your confidence might evaporate in the face of reality.

Bonsoir - are you serious!!

I cannot overstate how important I think it is for children to grow up knowing that their parents put their own relationship first. It is the most important factor in ensuring children grow up, cut the apron strings, fly the nest and live autonomous adult lives.

That does not mean that children should not receive oodles of parental attention and care.

Many of those marriages don't last though yet your children tend to be for life. Anyway people thankfully in a free society can choose their priorities.

The forces issue is whether the £180m or whatveer it is is what we want to spend scare resources on, the 90% subsidy up to the limits.

Sorry, did someone bring back conscription when I wasn't paying attention?

Isn't joining up still a voluntary career choice made in the full knowledge of the consequences? (Kinda like marriage...)

the only way to survive and even, maybe, enjoy boarding school is to detach from your parents. many children achieve this.

Children shouldn't be for life: the job of parents is to raise them to leave home and lead fulfilled adult lives. There is a point at which children should become autonomous adults who can meet their parents as other autonomous adults.

I find it very interesting observing adults when their parents die. Some are inconsolable and engulfed in grief and they are always the ones who never actually became autonomous adults, emotionally and materially independent of their parents.

I think comparing a DH in the forces to a DH in prison is very low. These people are serving their country ffs.

We demand our serving soldiers travel for long periods and at short notice, surely it is our duty to ensure their children get a good education?

Of all the things to worry about when there is so much waste in the public sector. Mind boggling.

And other organisations do this too. The UN for example.

" Add message | Report | Message poster Tanith Wed 16-Mar-11 08:34:42

The hypocrisy of the earlier full-time working mother who criticised those who use boarding schools just staggered me and I don't suppose she even saw the irony."

That will have been me, I think I may have mentioned the irony. But go on, explain it to me?

I have to say my relationship with my DS comes above my relationship with my DH. That's because DS depends on me for everything - love, food, clothes, shelter - everything. My DH however is a grown adult who can look after himself. Therefore I prioritise my relationship with my DS as DH can find himself another wife if things don't work out but DS can never find himself another mother. I don't think children gain security out of knowing their father is more important to their mother than they are - I think it would just make them feel like second best. If there's anyone who should be there for you 100% it's your mother and I don't think it's too much for a child to expect that.

The problem is that everyone has needs in this situation, and they have to be balanced and it is not easy.

Bonsoir has a French view, and for once I almost find myself in agreement with her!

Staying put wasn't the right or sustainable choice which is why I moved, but could put ds in an international day school.

WoD, why would he have to pay rent if serving away from his home where he is either paying a mortgage or rent on an MQ? You still have to feed yourself and pay your phone bill and travel which ain't cheap. Try charging people for being at sea or in Afghanistan (rent for your tent please sir?) and see the response you'd get. The employer provides the accommodation if you are sent to serve away from home. If accompanied by family, you pay rent if not, you don't.

Compared to what the private companies pay (and that goes on the cost of your car if you have a Toyota etc) the Forces do badly...and compared to the package of some civil servants as well I might add.

detachment and independence are not the same thing. in many cases they are diametrically opposed.

Bonsoir - oh yes, lots of 7 year olds all flying the nest!!

"I cannot overstate how important I think it is for children to grow up knowing that their parents put their own relationship first"

In the context of this thread, and what has been discussed about the effect of boarding school on some children, I find this comment offensive and very out of place.

Again Bonsoir, I think it all comes down to priorities. I think it's normal for a person to be inconsolable when a parent dies - it is normal to feel terrible grief for someone who you are very close to. Yes it is terrible to go through that grief but that doesn't mean you should distance yourself from your own parents so you don't get too attached and feel sad when they die. To me that's a very odd way of looking at things. If a person wasn't inconsolable at the death of a parent I'd feel quite sorry for them as I'd feel they missed out on feeling truly close to their nearest family member. However you see that closeness as a failing and value stoicness and being autonomous. That's a fundamental difference in viewpoints which we are unlikely to resolve.

WriterofDreams: it depends whether you are INVOLSEP (military says you HAVE to be unaccompanied and will not fund family at post - in which case you pay a reduced charge and family will still be entitled to accommodation elsewhere) or VOLSEP (you could be accompanied, but choose not to be; you will be charged and no accommodation elsewhere would be provided for the family. Obviously single rate accommodation will be less than a family house, but it's still not free.

It's in JSP 464 and is not quite the same between the three services. I think Scary is Navy, and their terms are more generous than the Army (differences down to typical postings).

scary I think it is very easy for people to say they would never do something while sitting comfortably in Guildford, with their DH home for tea at six and their Mum around the corner for help with child care.

The reality is many people have to make much more difficult choices.

Scary - the argument a couple of different posters were putting across for the wife not staying at home would be that they would have to run two households. But you have revealed that that's not actually the case - the MoD pays for the living quarters of the unaccompanied forces personnel, so that argument goes right out the window. Yes it is probably expensive to travel etc but then the top up fees that forces personnel have to pay for boarding school are also expensive so it's six of one half dozen of the other isn't it?

"I find it very interesting observing adults when their parents die."

Do you?