To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

I don't understand why someone would send a child to boarding school, I really don't.

Even in the case of being in the forces, why can't the dad (it is usually the dad I would imagine) work wherever he is and the mum stay in one place with the kids. One poster said the wife is required to attend some events, well if the wife isn't there then it will be tough! My dad works high up in a University and often my mum was expected at events, but as young children, we didn't live close to any family and if my parents couldn't get someone to look after us then my mum didn't go. It didn't do my dad's career any harm. Childhood is only a few years really.

I also find it odd when people say boarding is ok for older children, I can see now that in my teens I needed my parents more then ever to guide me and help me. I managed to end up perfectly independent, resourceful and whatever the benefits are supposed to be whilst living with my parents. And my closest friends are ones I went to school with.

I'm liking your comment receiver oog

I was a boarder from 13. My elder sisters both boarded from 6 (my mothers-then husband was in the forces stationed in Germany).

I loved boarding school and didn't miss out anything-but left quite well connected.

I shall be privately educating my ds until GCSE age, then he will board in the same establishment (I feel his exams will benefit from that).

IT's like most things, OP, if you don't like something, don't part take in it.

Joey- the woman is usually in army accommodation....

But you are there on a Monday, Saturday and Sunday morning.

Every 3 weeks you are there Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday morning.

You see them every Wednesday.

Okay I admit maybe my parenting fails that I wouldn't read my 8/9 year old a bedtime story.

You are not sticking them somewhere for 32 weeks, and then returning.

My family are very close. We all live in different countries and the bond is incredibly strong. I know my mother is most proud of how we get on as siblings still, even though we hardly see each other.

Pinkhebe when I went we used to ring the parents and hang up after two rings so they would call back (save money). I'm sure that communication wouldn't be so out of date now...

My parents were still a strong guiding force, why not?

Anyway, I went, I'm fine, it was a good time. We are a close family. I wouldn't send a 7 year old. I won't send my children (great day schools here). But all my school friends are happy adults. So must have been a good school.

Don't forget exeat weekends (we had Saturday school, then once a month we didn't so we got to go home on a Friday!).

The question about whether it's neglect if a child chooses to go is an interesting one. My issue is with children of 7/8 going to boarding school. I would imagine very few children of this age would ask to go to boarding school. But if they did then it would be up to the parents to judge why they want to go and whether it will be beneficial for them. If the child wants to go because he or she is unhappy at home then yes it is neglect as the parents are allowing the child to run away rather than sorting out the problems at home. Equally a child might choose to go because friends go and they think it'll be fun. In that case I would be very slow to allow a child to go as at 7/8 a child really isn't able to see the consequences of their actions and isn't really capable of making such a big decision.

For people who argue that those who are anti-BS are ignoring the positive experiences, I've already said that it appears from what's been posted that those who went at 11 or older had positive experiences while those who went at a younger age had largely negative experiences. This fits with my feeling on the matter - ie that sending a young child to BS is neglectful.

I would have to echo LeQueen's response to you PippaandPolly. You may be excellent at your job but no professional is a substitute for a mother. I'm a teacher and I can say I genuinely love my kids but I am not their mother and the love I feel for them isn't anything like the love I feel for my son. I worry about them and want them to be happy but chances are if I see them again in a few years I might not recognise them or even remember their names. If they're hurt I feel for them but I don't get the visceral gut wrenching feeling I get when DS is hurt. It's totally different. I agree that in some situations (eg where the parent is ill or unavailable) the BS situation is an acceptable if not equivalent replacement. But for children who have at least one functioning solvent parent it is a very poor substitute.

I really try not to judge people, but the poster who said they send their young DCs to BS to accommodate their job and their work trips really shocked me. The idea that a job is more important than being with your kids is a hard one for me to understand.

I could never send a child to boarding school and only see them at weekends but that's my personal choice.

Though I don't think it's that different to a few of the little ones in my son's school.

They're up at 7am, in breakfast club by 8am, off to after school club/child minder til 6.30pm, home by nearly 7pm and in bed by 8pm.

All of them except one, are under the age of seven.

Also, boarders have all these holdiays which mean quality time with the parents, but what if they are coming back to a place where they don't know anybody their own age? They would have no (or very few) friends to hang about with? Maybe I am wrong on this but assuming the parents aren't in the forces and there are other children in the same situation the long holidays would be dull without friends in my opinion.

The parents presumably still have to work so I can't see how these extra holidays have such great benefits.

Personally I accrued Lieu time, hence worked the longer hours, took my holiday during school holidays, shared with my dh.

Normally we would benefit from the holidays that didn't clash with the state schools and would use that to get cheap holidays and that is when we'd travel as a family.

The nice thing about having different friends at home, is that you've got large circle of friends. I commented the other day that my house is always full of other people's kids. The majority of these are not school friends, they are local friends.

I didn't sneer at it, I admitted it wasn't something I tended to do.

Writerofdreams

My child didn't like the long 'boring' week days, and rightly that caused us to discuss as a family what worked.

We could cut back on our hours, hence our salaries, take money from the state, and spend all our time with the child, but not be able to go on holiday, have days out etc as have no money.

Or we could shuffle our time, and back to my point have quality rather than quality time.

Change the way that we worked, still keeping the income, but ensuring that our time was free for the children.

My mum was sent to board at the age of 3. So yes in her case I consider that to be neglect. She was miserable and yes, I beleive it did leave it's mark. Dad went at the age of 9 and he seemed OK - but in the grand scheme of things being sent to boarding school was the least of his problems IMO. DB was also very miserable at boarding school but TBH he tended to be very miserable most of the time anyway so it may be just him But I know he resents my parents for sending him. I went to a private school and saw many boarders that were simply unhappy all the time - to be happy you had to become institutionalised in some way and not all children can manage that.

But without a doubt some children thrive and love boarding.

I maintain however that it is cruel and neglectful to send a child as young as 3, or even 7 or 8, to board.

I think it's a matter of different priorities then receiver. I can't afford holidays but that's not important to me, I'd rather be with my child.

Blimey ormiran. How sad.

My ds1 is 8 in June and he still needs lots of affection and attention...we all end up in the same bed by the morning!

I would never send my dc but even if I wanted to he just would not cope with BS.

I think BS are a victorian invention arent they? Somewhere to send the children - well, only boys back then - to strengthen their character and toughen them up?

I simply do not see what sending a 4-10 year old away from home for long periods accomplishes. That being said, I can see why it would be an option for older children/teenagers. I would have LOVED it as a teenager, I am sure.

BTW apart from child benefit I don't take any money from the state.

someone asked about modern standards of contact and if that would have changed the experience.

I have thought about this alot.
When I went away at 7 we had to write home every week and it was sensored, if we hadn't written "nice things to make our parents proud" we would be asked to write it again.

We didn't really have the opportunity to let them know the downs. However I know that my sister used to send them letters through the day girls and my parents disregarded the negative tearstanied letters as her "just having a bad week"

Once I was at senior school it would have made a huge difference, we had 1 phone between 63 girls so even when we had waited for our turn once we were on there were people listening and badgering for thier turn so we never got more than a couple of minutes.
There weren't computers or mobiles but the advent of skype and email would have made the opportunity to chat about day to day stuff possible.

I know that when people say it is different now, they are right it is very much more open, it doesn't however change my mind, I wouldn't personally make that choice.

It's shocking that your letters were censored Greyskull, but I suppose it makes sense. After all, private boarding schools are businesses and they don't want to lose money by having it getting around that the children aren't happy do they?