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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should not just watch tv with the baby

102 replies

Wildpoppy · 13/03/2011 22:41

Each weekend my dh takes our now 3 month old baby downstairs when she wakes - about 7am, and I lie in until about 11. No complaints there - it's how I get through the week. But when I come downstairs they are usually watching tv together. He says he plays with her and I am sure he does, and she naps too, and he can't play with he for four hours, but aibu to think that he shouldn't be sitting there with her watching tv? Fine to have it on in background, but I am alone with her all week and I very rarely have the tv on unless she is feeding (we mix feed so mostly bf when with me and bottles when he is looking after her). Probably I am being unreasonable - am sure the tv doing no harm. But shouldn't he be enjoying interacting with her without it?

OP posts:

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 12:27

I agree in some ways Buzz, however a man's own way is very often leaving a baby/child to their own devices whilst they do what they like. The things I was referring to such as feeding or nappy changing aren't the fussy things that you described such as the MIL patting the baby, they're core basics that a baby needs on an hourly basis or more frequently.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/03/2011 12:31

Really? In that case I would be wondering why I had had a child with someone who wasn't capable of looking after it. I've never had to do so with my DH, and I think its rather sad if there are partners like that.
Surely you have bigger problems then?

nocake · 14/03/2011 12:31

I'm a father of an 8 week old baby. My DW spends every day with our daughter. She has routines and habits that have developed over those 8 weeks and by her own admission has to bite her lip or sit on her hands when I'm looking after the baby because I do things differently. However, if I'm not doing something important or doing something I shouldn't then she'll tell me. She doesn't get annoyed about it because she knows that I'm not being negligent. It's just that I don't know as much about looking after a baby as I'm not there all the time.

So you need to decide if what your DH is doing (or not doing) is important enough to mention or if you need to bite your lip and let him be a dad his way.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 12:38

Nocake, what do you mean by "his way"?

Surely it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that it's not really looking after a baby to just plonk it down in a bouncy chair and then go off and watch TV/go on the PC for 4 hours? That's not a dad parenting his way, it's a dad being lazy and not looking after his child properly.

Buzzlite, I'm not in that situation, none of my children are babies, and fortunately although my DH does need a list of things to do he did always take care of their basic needs as babies, so no, I don't have bigger problems, I was referring to the poster who said that dads can't read babies' minds and should be told what to do and how to care for their babies.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/03/2011 12:43

I didn't mean you personally, but whoever it is you are talking about. Its quite simple, either your co-parent knows what they are doing or they don't. If the don't, you can tell them/show them once. If you need or want to constantly spoonfeed them because they as you say don't do the basics because they can't be bothered or because its not good enough for the mother, you've got serious problems.

Mother does not equal superior.

Honeybee79 · 14/03/2011 12:46

YABU. As others have said, be grateful for the break. Your DD is tiny and I doubt she'll care whether the TV is on one way or the other.

nocake · 14/03/2011 12:53

I mean that there are some things a mother (my DW included) needs to let go about and there are other things she should mention. My way of playing with our daughter is different to my DW's way. She might prefer me to do it her way but I'm doing it my way so she doesn't say anything. If my playing involved dangling her by one leg then my DW should mention that it's not a good idea.... extreme example (and I don't dangle her by one leg ) but hopefully it explains what I meant.

I think everyone is reading far too much into the OP's post. Apparently he does play with the baby, she naps and the OP implies that he also feeds her. The fact that he also sticks the TV on and watches it is hardly bad parenting.

valiumredhead · 14/03/2011 12:55

I get what you are saying nocake :)

mehpants · 14/03/2011 12:55

How funny. I started a similar thread recently.

I do think that saying the OP should be 'thankful for the break' is a bit unfair. Why should she be thankful, her and her partner are equal parents and he shouldn't be giving her a break, he should be doing his share of the parenting.

incidentally I rarely get a lie in at the weekends :(

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 12:58

Maybe it's not bad parenting whilst their baby is still tiny, however I think it is bad parenting as a child gets older. Sitting around watching TV for 4 hours during the day is quite lazy IMO, especially when there is a child to look after.

And in response to those of you that have had a dig at the OP for laying in until 11, it's only one day at weekends, so I would bet money on the OP's DH having a lie-in the next day. And I bet the OP does a lot more with baby on that morning than just sit and watch TV for 4 hours.

Youllskimmer · 14/03/2011 13:00

'however a man's own way is very often leaving a baby/child to their own devices whilst they do what they like.'

Utter rubbish, maybe the men in your life.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 13:01

Lots of men judging by various threads on here, and talking to other mums in real life

thepoweroflunch · 14/03/2011 13:03

I don't let anyone sit with my baby and let her watch the telly either. Fine to have it on and her facing away from it, but not sitting on their knee watching it for hours on end.

Didn't do it with her sister either.

TV isn't good for babies and there's no need to stick them in front of it.

YANBU!

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/03/2011 13:05

do ye want a medal? And you don't let your co-parent do anything, unless your relationship is fucked up.

annabelflowers · 14/03/2011 13:06

My Dh really really struggled with being a parent. he was bamboozled by our son.What they did, twice day until DS was a year.... DH took him in the early morning before he went to work and fed him in front of the simpsons. In the evening, he and the baby fed again in front of the simpsons.People told us we were instilling bad habitd. But actually, the 30 mins, twice a day, where they say, ate and kind of sat again just built up their bonding. By the time DS was a year, DH was the best ever father. Hands on, engaged. They just got on with it, the pair of them, and relaxed into special time together. It does not matter if it is not the 'right way' of doing things... it worked for them.

I say, back off, let your husband parent as best as he can for now and allow him to find his own way.

jumpingbeans · 14/03/2011 13:08

My dh used to do this, he was most insistant that our 4 month old ds loved to watch cricket, and one of our fav memoeries of our dd is her about 9 months old, throwing her little arms up in the air shouting "goal" :o

Youllskimmer · 14/03/2011 13:08

If you take AIBU or relationships on here as a true reflection of life you are misguided.

Don't you think it may be skewed slightly by the fact that most of the posters are women and people tend not to post about how wonderful life is but the problems they are havIng?

thepoweroflunch · 14/03/2011 13:09

Are you talking to me buzz?

My DH wouldn't attempt to stick my baby in front of the telly because he doesn't like it either. But I don't let, for example, FIL sit there with the baby on his knee goggling at all kind of bollocks on the telly. She's mine and DH's child and we make the rules.

Hate, hate, hate seeing babies stuck in front of the TV.

RitaMorgan · 14/03/2011 13:17

I think people make a big mistake in amusing/entertaining their babies constantly - that's have you end up with a 5 year old whinging about being bored all the time and needing constant parental input.

OK, sitting a child in front of the TV all day isn't ideal - but plonk them on the floor with a basket of toys and get on with doing your own thing! Playing is what babies/children do, they don't need adult help all the time.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 13:19

Did I mention I take AIBU and Relationships as a true reflection of life? I said forums in general and also people I know in real life. I have spoken to many a mum who has said her husband/partner is useless with their children and just leaves them to their own devices while he does what he pleases and calls it "looking after them"

RitaMorgan · 14/03/2011 13:20

And fucking hell, no way would I have had a child with a man who can't work out that a nappy needs changing or a baby needs feeding! That's outrageous, no excuse for that.

valiumredhead · 14/03/2011 13:23

Ritamorgan is my new parenting guru

sheepgomeep · 14/03/2011 13:24

I think if a dp/dh gets up with child/ baby and does nothing not even change a nappy/ give breakfast then that is BU
But if he is doing all the basic caring stuff first (and I don't mean housework)then thats fine

lost count of the amount of times I've sat in front of telly/ mumsnet all morning with big mug of coffee and done bugger all, when the kids were babes (still do it now on occaision)

Original poster

Wildpoppy · 14/03/2011 17:19

oh dear look what I started!!

Interesting to get your takes on it though.

Those of you who say I should be grateful for a lie in though. I am, but he should also be grateful for eight hours interrupted sleep every night as I do all the night feeds. this works for us - he gets eight hours every night (and he needs it so he can do his job) and I get lie ins on the weekend (which, incidentally, I;d happily swap for eight hours uninterrupted sleep every night).

OP posts:

LeQueen · 14/03/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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