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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should not just watch tv with the baby

102 replies

Wildpoppy · 13/03/2011 22:41

Each weekend my dh takes our now 3 month old baby downstairs when she wakes - about 7am, and I lie in until about 11. No complaints there - it's how I get through the week. But when I come downstairs they are usually watching tv together. He says he plays with her and I am sure he does, and she naps too, and he can't play with he for four hours, but aibu to think that he shouldn't be sitting there with her watching tv? Fine to have it on in background, but I am alone with her all week and I very rarely have the tv on unless she is feeding (we mix feed so mostly bf when with me and bottles when he is looking after her). Probably I am being unreasonable - am sure the tv doing no harm. But shouldn't he be enjoying interacting with her without it?

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/03/2011 06:58

I watched tv for the first year of dd's life. I dread to think how chatty, lively and inquisitive she'd be if I had 'amused' her for that time instead. She's hard enough to keep up with now!

Laquitar · 14/03/2011 07:15

Do you mean you don't watch tv when you are with dd because you don't like tv or because you 'must' interact with dd?

I don't like tv (i prefer mn) but i don't mind dh and dcs watch it. If you want to watch then you should watch otherwise you become resentful. You cant say 'i walked 3 miles so you should walk too you shouldn't take the bus'.

NinkyNonker · 14/03/2011 07:45

He's a parent too, presumeably you trusted his judgement enough to have a child with him so what has changed?

justcarrots29 · 14/03/2011 07:48

YABU - 11am

He is doing fine with a child that age...maybe at a year ols or so I would suggest that we ALL go out to the park, shops, for a cuppa etc on a nice Saturday/ Sunday morning.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 07:56

I can see where the OP is coming from; My first DH used to occasionally "let me have a lie in", but his idea of this was to take DD1 downstairs, not changing her nappy or clothes, and just sit downstairs with her. He would feed her a bottle but not her breakfast, so I would come downstairs and have to do everything for her, he thought he was doing his bit by picking her up out of her cot and taking her downstairs and laying her on her playmat. He wouldn't do anything such as wash her bottles, or even open her bedroom curtains.

I'm sure if the OP said that she gets up with her DD whilst her DH lays in and just sits downstairs with her DD watching TV for 4 hours, people on here would have plenty to say about that, but because it's the man doing it it's seemingly ok?

Oblomov · 14/03/2011 08:01

I agree with Tee2072, you are cross with dh becasue he gets to sit down with her, bonding, doing not-very-much.
But you feel alot of pressure to be this perfect mum, making her life so brilliant and fab. You don't sit down and watch tv with her. You are far too busy stimulating her and doing all the hard graft.
This unfortunatly is not unusual. there is this precious, I have to do the best for my child, mentality, that seems to have worked its way into women of today's brains.

Hope you can let this go.

SlightlyB0nkers · 14/03/2011 08:21

This is a let peeve of mine too. Allbeit that dd is older, but whenever DH minded her on his own, on went the telly.

Recently we saw a programme that researched tv and toddlers/babies. The conclusion is that they learn nothing whilst watching tv before 2 years old. And considering that babies are sponges, absorbing everything around, I don't want to take the waking hours she does have and let her absorb "nothing".
At 3 months your dc may not be paying attention anyway to tv so that's good but I don't think you're being wholly unreasonable. I do believe that we can't expect our partners to do everything as we do so keep my mouth shut when I get the odd lie in.

Luckily, Dh turns off the tv after 30 mins now after seeing that programme.

melikalikimaka · 14/03/2011 08:24

YABU, leave him alone, at least he's have having cuddling time with her.

MamaVoo · 14/03/2011 08:49

This wouldn't bother me at 3 months. It does bother me with DS who is 3 years as my DH is exactly the same. I'd like to see him make a bit more of an effort to get down and play properly with DS rather than just switch on the tv or play games on the iphone.

But we get a lie in once a week, which many mums don't, and one morning in front of the box isn't going to do them any harm.

FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 09:04

I was off work for a year with my first and we never sat in front of the tv, I cleaned house and took him around the house in his chair so he could always see me.

Babies don't need amusing they just need to know you are there.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 09:23

I'm finding it interesting how everyone thinks it's okay for the OP's DH to just sit there with the baby in front of the TV for 4 hours. I'm sure the OP doesn't just get up with the baby each morning, dump baby in the bouncy chair and watch TV. I'm sure she gets up, feeds the baby, washes up, cleans the kitchen, puts washing on etc etc. Surely her DH should be taking his turn at doing these things and not just sitting about.

Am I alone in thinking he actually sounds a bit lazy?

samay · 14/03/2011 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WildAndCrazyHorlicksDrinker · 14/03/2011 09:26

Awhite, if he's working FT then he's giving up a chance of a lie in too. I don't think he's BU in chilling in front of the telly on a Saturday morning after a week at work probably with broken nights too. The baby's only 3 months old - in our house that has been the stage of maximum exhaustion.

Woodlands · 14/03/2011 09:29

I also think people are being a little hard on the OP. It also irritates me when my DH is 'in charge' of the baby (7 months) at the weekend and he just watches telly with him. Naturally DS is transfixed by the telly, for a while at least, and so DH thinks it's easy, this baby lark, nothing to it. I am aware of the research that says babies shouldn't watch TV under the age of 2, though I do occasionally stick on CBeebies if he is very tired and cross , so I do limit the time DS watches TV and wish DH wouldn't automatically put it on.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 09:32

Woodlands, my DH is sometimes like that with the kids; he thinks that as long as he is in the house with the children then he's "looked after them". It doesn't occur to him to make a meal, clean up at all, get them dressed etc etc. He just goes on the PC or watches TV. He will only actually "do" things if I tell him what needs doing.

Tee2072 · 14/03/2011 10:26

Did people actually read the OP? As usual, some seemed to have missed part, like where she says 'He says he plays with her and I am sure he does, and she naps too, and he can't play with he for four hours'.

No where does she say he doesn't feed her, change her, interact with her. Just that at some point the TV goes on.

I think there is a lot of projecting going on on this thread and that a lot of you need to relax about how your husbands/partners interact with your kids.

They aren't you. They aren't going to do what you do. Sometimes they need to be told if things need to be done, i.e. the poster who has a partner that doesn't even change the baby or give her breakfast. Tell him to change her and give her breakfast. Or don't. But don't expect him to read her or your mind.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 14/03/2011 10:33

"I'm sure if the OP said that she gets up with her DD whilst her DH lays in and just sits downstairs with her DD watching TV for 4 hours, people on here would have plenty to say about that, but because it's the man doing it it's seemingly ok"

I'd tell them well done and I hope they made themselves a big mug of tea/coffee and toast to have while snuggled up.
I presume my "watching TV together" the OP means that they're having a cuddle! It's saturday morning FFS - it's supposed to be chill out time

valiumredhead · 14/03/2011 10:37

TV is what kept me sane in those early months

Just enjoy your lie in!

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 10:43

They aren't you. They aren't going to do what you do. Sometimes they need to be told if things need to be done, i.e. the poster who has a partner that doesn't even change the baby or give her breakfast. Tell him to change her and give her breakfast. Or don't. But don't expect him to read her or your mind.

So basically you're saying that a man shouldn't be able to predict what a baby - HIS baby - needs? A woman/mum is fully expected to read their baby's mind and know what they need, why should dads be absolved from this responsibility just because "they're men". Why should a mum have to tell the dad that their own baby needs breakfast or needs her nappy changed?

Tee2072 · 14/03/2011 10:48

Although 'anecdote does not equal data' is a valid point, awhiteelephantintheroom, anecdotal evidence does suggest that many men don't see that the nappy needs to be changed or that the baby is hungry.

I would imagine because most women don't give their men time to learn these things, based on 99.999% of the posts on MN. I know my husband, in the beginning, would ask me what I thought our son was crying about. Why? Because I spent more time with him while on ML then he did, as he was at work M - F all day long. Our son is 21 months now and my husband is much more in tune with him.

MN may not like it, but the truth is that women still do most of the childcare. Therefore they know the children best.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 10:51

But it still doesn't make it fair that a woman should have to spoonfeed her partner where looking after their baby is concerned. Anecdotal evidence or not, it shouldn't be a case that the woman should just be grateful her DH is looking after the baby regardless of whether he sits on his arse the entire time or not, and that he should only have to do things if his wife has told him exactly what needs doing and how to do it.

BTW, as I mentioned previously, my DH is one of those that needs to be told what to do, but it doesn't mean I think it's acceptable, it's just that he'd do bugger all unless I told him exactly what needs doing.

Mishapen · 14/03/2011 10:52

YABU.

You could always send him round here to watch TV with my kids until 11am every weekend.

In fact, isn't sleeping until 11am more of a waste of time than watching tv? You could be doing some ironing or summat...

Tee2072 · 14/03/2011 11:34

Who said it was fair? Life isn't fair.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 12:19

Who said it was fair? Life isn't fair.

No, but relationships should be fair. There is no point being a martyr, I believe a father should take equal responsibility for his child, and that includes knowing how to take care of said child without being spoonfed by the child's mum.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/03/2011 12:23

you don't need to spoonfeed them, you need to leave them alone to do things their own way. Women can be very controlling with their pfb's, wanting everyone to do things their way.
You see it here all the time "my mil won't pat the baby 10 times, only 5, how dare she!" or "my DH doesn't sing the right songs/feed a yoghurt properly/doesn't do things precisely my way all the time".

leave them be. Relax.

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