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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to suggest that if my friend wants babies she ditches her dp?

23 replies

Mirabelle77 · 12/03/2011 23:02

Posted few months ago about friend www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1033879-He-doesn-t-say-I-love-you-plus-other

basically she wants babies & marriage he doesn't . After having pfb I could not imagine life without him. She wants a baby but her dp does not. Does anyone have experience of this , have they been happy with their dp and no kids or has it ruined things?

I have seen her checking herself out in the mirror with my ds, she adores him it's obvious and she has stated she would try for a baby later this year if given the green light from her dp. I don't want her to give up her dreams of being a mother for this man although I do understand it's better than him having a baby when he doesn't want to be a father.

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 12/03/2011 23:27

If she wants children and he does not, she needs to leave this relationship and start a relationship with someone who does.

You do not need to tell her she must ditch her dp; simply that she must find someone that wants children - there is a subtle difference.

humanoctopus · 12/03/2011 23:28

Errh... Its her life.

It would be crossing huge boundaries for you to say anything at all about how/when she should go about having a baby.

chipmonkey · 12/03/2011 23:31

Mirabelle, I know you want to help your friend but really, there's nothing you can do. It seems to me that you have tried to guide her in the past but she hasn't listened to you. My SIL went out with a bloke like this, we could all see he had no intention of marrying her, she made excuse after excuse for him. Eventually she saw the light and dumped him. She's now getting married to a lovely guy and babies are definitely on the agenda but SIL had come to the right conclusion on her own and so will your friend.

You sound lovely to be so concerned for her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 12/03/2011 23:33

Caramel she is scared of being single , she said so herself.

Human she has started chats about her wanting children etc , and doesn't hold back on her advice/ opinions re me and my life . When we had a bit too much champagne the other week we chatted about it.

I sort of said she should move on from him but in a gentle way. I listen to plenty of stories, but now I have my baby I hate to think she is giving that beautiful experience up for a man who doesn't really make her happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 12/03/2011 23:36

Thanks chipmonkey, she is like a sister to me as Im an only child. I don't want her to give up her dreams for this loser. It's so hard to watch it happen!

OP posts:

suzikettles · 12/03/2011 23:37

How old is she? It's a difficult one because I don't think for a second that it's your business or that you should tell her to leave him - but if she's in her 30s it might not be a bad idea to make sure she's got the facts - ie after 35 time may be running short.

If she's 25, then, well I'd probably just leave it and just be there for her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 12/03/2011 23:39

She's 32 he is 36

OP posts:

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 12/03/2011 23:41

Been together 6 years still in the process of moving in!

OP posts:

TryLikingClarity · 13/03/2011 07:33

Has she told him that she really really wants a baby?

If I were you I might be tempted to mention the fact that she should ditch her dp, but in a jokey way.

You can't demand it of her, but be there to support.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 13/03/2011 09:36

Yeah she has told him, he thinks they too expensive and will be detrimental to his lifestyle. They are expensive and life will never be the same , no doubt!

She however thinks he might change , after nearly 6 years I don't think he will. He doesn't say not now , maybe in the future he just does not like babies/ children .

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 13/03/2011 09:47

In what way is he a loser? Just because he doesn't want kids or is there more to it?

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 13/03/2011 10:13

I think he is a loser for the way he conducts their relationship and the way he has brainwashed my friend into thinking the way he acts is normal. He he worked away in Europe for a week but was too busy to call her for a whole week. He hardly ever does stuff with her friends but he expects her to socialize with his. Doesn't show any affection , say he loves her. I could go on , my friend excuses it all by saying that's not his way , but I know she wants those things.

OP posts:

suzikettles · 13/03/2011 11:19

If he says he doesn't want children then she should believe him tbh. He's being upfront and honest so I couldn't criticise him for that.

If she does want children then it's up to her to decide (based on the fact that he's said he does not want them ) whether she wants to end the relationship and have the hope (albeit never a guarantee) of children in the future, or stay in the relationship and accept that she will not have children.

At 32 she's got a little bit of time, but not really that much. I think the key is her accepting that he doesn't want children - not now, and not in the future. If she can't accept this then she may well drift along for another 6 years. That's her choice to make though.

TakeItOnTheChins · 13/03/2011 11:24

What's with the "checking herself out in the mirror" thing?? I don't think I ever checked myself out in the mirror when holding a friend's child.

I'd suggest that if she is doing that, she isn't mature enough to have a child anyway. It's not like comparing how different mobile phones look against your head.

HecateTheCrone · 13/03/2011 11:29

she has to choose, doesn't she. what does she want more, him or children. If she can't have both, then she needs to choose.

I think that if she brings up the subject, then just say that. Choose.

choices aren't always easy. How great would that be? but they aren't. they are often hard. But if she chooses to stay with him because she would rather be in a childless relationship than go after the possibility of children because she is scared of a period of being single, then that's up to her. She's made her decision. and with the best will in the world, how long can you go on about it if you are not willing to do anything about it?

-I know what I am talking about! There comes a point when you have to 'put up or shut up' - I reached that point a while ago with something. I am not being callous. It's just the reality of life.

suzikettles · 13/03/2011 11:40

Totally agree with Hecate.

She may well be more scared of being single than she is of not having children, and of course if she keeps putting it off then one day the decision will be made for her. A lot of decisions in life are made that way..

Adversecamber · 13/03/2011 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viewfromawindow · 13/03/2011 13:54

He won't change. BUT instead of "I don't want kids" perhaps he really means "I don't want kids with you". I ahve 3 friends who have this happen to them ..... oh and my exH as well! Funny how marriage and kids ARE on the agenda with someone else. The problem is it is the hardest thing to believe and I only realised it myself after he left... he just didn't love me enough.... harsh but true.
At 32 she doesn't have a lot of time left. Yes I know women have children later but it DOES get harder and more risky the later you leave it on average, you just have to hope you beat the average.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 13/03/2011 14:02

I think you are right Suzi she is more scared of being single than not having children because she deceives herself that one day he will change his mind. I just fear that this relationship will carry on and her dp will dump her in the future and she will be single and have given up having children for this man. It's her choice I know but I worry about her.

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redexpat · 14/03/2011 13:49

My sister broke up with her DP last year after 5 years together because she wanted marriage and babies and he didn't. She's back on the dating scene. Your friend's DP won't change.

HecateTheCrone · 14/03/2011 13:52

Of course you worry about her, you are her friend.

What will happen, if she decides to stay with him, and he dumps her in the future etc etc - is that she will have to live with the choice she made.

We all have to do that. I regret a number of the choices I have made in life. It's - to put it bluntly - tough shit.

A1980 · 14/03/2011 14:00

Read my recent thread on the subject in relationships

Difference is though, I figured it out for myself, hopefully not too late, although I fear it might be too late.

If you confront her on it, she may not thank you. I was in denial for a bit and kept telling myself it'd be ok but I guess the difference is my ex-dp did say he wanted children for a time.

She needs to work it out for herself.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 14/03/2011 23:01

Thanks A1980 , I have just been reading your thread. Most people seem to think I should keep my thoughts to myself even though it's so obvious she is wasting her time with him.

I think I will just keep my feelings to myself, maybe she will be with him forever and that's enough for her? Guess on mumsnet Im not going to find women who have given up having kids for a bloke , most people either are Mums or would like to be one day I suppose. Would be interesting to know if the partner that wanted children ever regrets it in later life.

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