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Starting again ..... long, sorry

10 replies

A1980 · 02/03/2011 23:48

I've never posted here about my relationship but here goes. I've been in denial for a while.

Basically my now ex DP and I were together about 5 years, living together for about 2 years. He is from South Africa (SA) and we weren't serious for a while as he couldn't decide if he was going to move back there or not. If he had moved back that would have been it, I don't want to leave my family and friends and life and TBH I didn't get the impression he would ask me to go with him so we were just dating for a long while, no long term commitments, just taking it day to day, week to week. Even when he decided to stay here and we moved in together I still doubted if he wanted to make a long term commitment but I swept those doubts aside stupidly.

I got diagnosed with PCOS and a pituitary tumour over a year ago. Age 30 at the time, it suddenly brought it home to me that I really do need to think about my long term future as I may well run out of time fertility wise if I leave it too late. I always thought I'd have children at some point but it didn't hit home that I might notget the chance until the diagnosis. I didn't necessarily want children right then but the thought that I may not ever have them made me think.

Ex DP was great when we found out. He was sympathetic and thoguhtful and even though I wasn't sure about children right now he said he wanted us to be a family. He even mentioned marriage, etc. I really warmed to it and we started TTC. I became excited that I would be a mother and we'd be a family and all of those feelings you go through when you decide to TTC.

I didn't conceive and it's been a year or so now. In the last 3 months I didn't get the impression he was that bothered and it came to a head when the hospital said we'd need to look at fertility treatment. Suddenly he's not sure, doesn't want to try any more, doesnt feel ready and thinking again of going home. Him going home doesn't include me.

Needless to say I ended it as at my age, if is heart's not in it I'm too old to fucking wait around now. I'm 32. This happened before Christmas but I haven't posted about it as I couldn't face it.

I'm not well off as I have alot of student debt and can't afford to rent privately alone. So I've had to move back with family for now.

So where I hadn't thought about becoming a mother just over a year ago, I'm now left with the intense desire to have children, no one to have them with at the moment, and with the knowledge that I may not be able to and time is running out at my age with my problems.

Now who the fuck is gonig to want a 32 year old who lives at home again. I should have ended it when I was a damn sight younger. I gues I knew in my heart he wasn't sure of his long term future here.

What the hell do I do now

It's beginning to affect me all the time and I'm finding it hard to cope. Even reding the newspaper or seeing someone on the train remotely my age who is pregnant or has a child. My work colleagues my age who have children or are marrying.... I can't cope. Everything makes me think that in the time it'll take me to meet someone else and establish a relationship well enough to have a child, it may be too late.

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robberbutton · 03/03/2011 00:01

So sorry it didn't work out for you A1980 :(

What has the dr said about your fertility chances? You're still relatively young I think. If having children means everything, could you be a single mum? (not being flippant, honestly, just throwing it out there.)

Hope it gets better soon.

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Kiwinyc · 03/03/2011 00:07

I understand how you feel like you're running out of time, but you are not over the hill at 32. I met my Dh at 31, (after a 5yr relationship with my ex) got married at 34 and we had our first baby when i was 35. Where you live is not going to put a good man off.

I would concentrate on getting over your ex because thats what you need to recover from first. And try not worry that all is lost because that hasn't happened yet and doesn't have to happen either.

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A1980 · 03/03/2011 00:21

The Dr said that he doesn't think it'll be that much harder for me to have a child with the right treatment only I can't put it to the test and see if I respond now.

I don't really want to be a single mother and I can't afford a child by myself and my student debt has several years left to run.

It's really affecting me on a daily basis seeing other people my age and younger who are married and have children. I'm trying not to get depressed.

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notsomumsie · 04/03/2011 21:11

You are writing yourself off at too young an age. Live a little, go and meet guys, have fun. Your are only 32 FFS

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A1980 · 06/03/2011 21:30

Thank you notsomumsie, that made me feel alot better.

So did everyone else too!

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paternal · 06/03/2011 21:53

I'm 33 (male) and have wanted children since forever (crazy to hear a man say that, right) ive had 2 major long term relationships 6 and 7 years long, the last one ending in June last year and i just didn't see how at 33 I was going to meet some who I can form a relationship with and who wanted children.

Fastfoward 9 months and my OH is 14 weeks pregnant today!!! :) you just never know, what's going to happen, when.

So hang in there and good luck!

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wileycoyote · 06/03/2011 22:39

You are grieving the lost relationship and so will feel doomy and negative, it's natural. What your head is telling you about being past it etc is crap though, and you have LOADS of time. Also, wanting what you think you can't have always makes it worse!

How about putting off worrying about it till later, no way of knowing what the future holds!!

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fridascruffs · 06/03/2011 23:07

This is an odd idea but... is it possible to get your eggs frozen? Not that it's an easy or a good solution but it occurred to me that it might make you feel less pressured. I was 38 having my first, 40 having the second and no IVF or anything (and am now on my own with them, and pretty happy with it!) so 32 sounds awfully young to me.
It might be a stupid idea actually...

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/03/2011 23:16

You are still young, you know. And the stuff about women over 35 all being past it is ever so slightly massively exaggerated. I had my DS (unplanned and unexpected) at 39.
IF you are feeling really bad and obsessing about it to the point you find it hard to function, it might be an idea to look into getting some counselling, though: the last thing you want is to be running around all needy and desperate for a man, any man, to commit and impregnate you. Nice men are put off by desperation, but awful men are attracted by it.