Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents leave their 2 yr old behind to serve in army - what do you think?

125 replies

MissyKLo · 10/03/2011 13:32

I read this and was very sad for this little boy and think it is something that will have an impact on him for the rest of his life - it must have been a very very difficult decision but I can't help feel it was the wrong one (for them to go and leave him).

It's not that I judge them, I feel bad for them - I am not sure how I really feel about the whole story... just that it is a sad one

What do you think?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1364369/Ohio-parents-serving-Afghanistan-Skype-toddler-goodnight-night.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

OP posts:
altinkum · 10/03/2011 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supersewer · 10/03/2011 13:41

I've worked with toddlers who have had their mum or dad in Afghanistan. they generally are fine providing they have a loving family to look after them.
It seems they did have the choice, however I have some sympathy if it means that the parents would never see each other - ultimately it should mean that this little boy is part of a secure loving family and is not part of one whose parents are strangers and end up divorced.

it's easy to judge when you know you don't haveto make the decision

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 13:43

To spend more time as a couple? I don't get it. I would put time spent as a parent before anyone or anything else. But I am not judging them, I don't them, their family or anything else about them

hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:46

I think it's really, really sad, and cannot for the life of me work out how any parent would prefer to work away from home than be with their children (not in a SAHP/working parent kind of a way, but living away from the family kind of a way).

Happylander · 10/03/2011 13:47

Oh I think that is very sad but if it was that or thier marriage breaking up then this way is better. Although I am sure he is perfectly well looked after with his grandparents and no different than a single parent having to go away. My DH is away with the Army and I don't think I could go away as well and leave DS too. Damn jealous of the ability to Skype though I'd do anything to see my DH face right now...and the rest of him Grin

Original poster
MissyKLo · 10/03/2011 13:47

no, they do have a choice - the army do not, as a rule, send a couple away together at the same time -they CHOSE to go together to spend more time together...

surely their son needs them more?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissyKLo · 10/03/2011 13:48

happylander - awwww, that is so sweet, i have a lot of admiration for you and people in your situation, must be very hard x

OP posts:
Happylander · 10/03/2011 19:27

hairylights if my DH was to leave the Army so he could never go away form his DS then he would have to work two jobs to earn the amount he earns now or I would have to work a 50-60 hour week just so we could meet our mortgage payments and we don't have a huge house. Then our DS would actually see one of us or both of us less than he does now and would be in childcare or with his Grandma a lot. It's not as simple as people wanting to be away from their kids but sometimes more of a necessity and also doing what works best for your family. Plus I get to be hairy Grin

Happylander · 10/03/2011 19:28

MissyKlo thank you. He comes back in 4 weeks and I can't wait....he has a list of chores to be cracking on with LOL

MrsSnaplegs · 10/03/2011 19:45

It should be noted this is an american couple not british, their deployments to Afghanistan can be upto a year at a time so if one spouse has been deployed , comes back then the other one goes they may not see each other for 2 years - that is a lot of pressure on a relationship. If however as they have decided to do they go at the same time whilst the child is too young to really understand (I speak from personal experience with my DD) then they will be unlikely to deploy again for a good couple of years. The american soldiers do not get the same R&R packages we have - they have more frequent but shorter sets of "time off" but have to take it "in theatre" ie they will stay in the ME region at a secure base.

UK armed forces are reluctant to deploy both spouses on the same deployment but it has happened at a couples own request I think (a colleague who was requesting it). Their son was under 2 and they realised he would not remember it but it meant they would both be away for 6 months then not have to go again for a couple of years instead of one going then the other and being apart for a year. It also meant they could have decent post tour leave together as a whole family.

I had to spend a lot of time away in my last job and I would say although at the time the child appears to miss you they actually dont remember it 6 months after you are back Grin - makes you feel guilty at the time but I honestly don't think they really register it until about 5.

littleducks · 10/03/2011 19:50

Its not something I would do

My MIL had her middle son cared for by her parent abroad for a year or two as a baby so that both her and FIL could work.At the time it was a real 'needs must' situation and they thought he was too young to remember/care but it totally damaged their relationship and he feels bitter about it now. It is the biggest regret of her life.

moonstorm · 10/03/2011 19:53

I do judge. Sorry, but why have children then leave them? One parent or the other, but not both. Poor boy Sad

emsyj · 10/03/2011 20:05

I judge them too.... And I think it is a bit deluded to think that it won't affect him as much at age 2 as age 7.

Sad
meditrina · 10/03/2011 20:10

So you would suspend the human right to found a family for this in certain careers?

Nice

celebmum · 10/03/2011 20:14

But they're missing out on so many important milestones in their little boys development... I find that the saddest..

raindroprhyme · 10/03/2011 20:41

From an attachment point of view this will affect a child more at a younger age than it would a child older than 7.

Saying that i do not judge an awful decision to have to make.

TWDA · 10/03/2011 20:48

they're stupid if they think this won't affect their child at this vunerable age, but then they are both in the army so unlikely to be overly intelligent anyway.

oiwhatsoccuring · 10/03/2011 20:49

I don't agree with mothers serving on the front line.

meditrina · 10/03/2011 20:52

TWDA that's a rather offensive generalisation.

I should imagine this US couple have had more time to make good arrangements than eg incarcerated parents, and may have twice the family back up of deployed single parents.

onepieceoflollipop · 10/03/2011 20:56

What about fathers? oiwhatsoccurring

emsyj · 10/03/2011 20:57

He will probably be fine, but the thought of leaving DD like this makes me ache inside. I just can't understand how people do this voluntarily, but it takes all sorts I suppose.

Grabaspoon · 10/03/2011 21:00

I totally agree Happylander

I know of a single mother serving in Afghanistan leaving a pre-schooler with family. This is par for the course of being in the army however the benefits outway the 6 month tour.

Grabaspoon · 10/03/2011 21:04

How rude TWDA and a sweeping offensive generalisation

oiwhatsoccuring · 10/03/2011 21:06

onepieceoflollipop - strangely i have no problem with fathers serving, but I just can't get my head around mothers of young children putting themselves in harms way.

colditz · 10/03/2011 21:10

the child will detach from his parents and reattach to whoever the main carer is. They will come back to a child who is no longer theirs. the child will not remember either of them, not properly. They will then probably attempt to take the child, breaking the second attachment the child has made. The child will learn that making attachments is pointless. |I predict behavioral problems - fairly major ones.

They might has well have sat down and said "I really miss you. Shall we give our child high functioning autism so I can see you more?" "Oh what a good idea darling"

Swipe left for the next trending thread