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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents leave their 2 yr old behind to serve in army - what do you think?

125 replies

MissyKLo · 10/03/2011 13:32

I read this and was very sad for this little boy and think it is something that will have an impact on him for the rest of his life - it must have been a very very difficult decision but I can't help feel it was the wrong one (for them to go and leave him).

It's not that I judge them, I feel bad for them - I am not sure how I really feel about the whole story... just that it is a sad one

What do you think?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1364369/Ohio-parents-serving-Afghanistan-Skype-toddler-goodnight-night.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

OP posts:
colditz · 10/03/2011 22:36

I did not say that the army is comprised of grunts either. I said NOTHING about grunts, I provided the ministary of defence's own enlistment criteria to make the point that you don't have to have 7 GCSE's to join, you don't need any, and that you don't need a degree to be an officer, you need to E's at A level.

highriggs · 10/03/2011 22:36

Colditz

You have explained yourself and it is good to know we have such an expert on HFA and autism and no doubt many other things amongst us.

colditz · 10/03/2011 22:37

Neither did I say that mothers should go out on tour. frankly I don't care who goes out on tour, as long as it doesn't leave a toddler effectively parentless for a year.

colditz · 10/03/2011 22:37

I'm not an expert on anything (as I am sure you must have noticed), I just know how to use a search engine, something which is strangely lacking amongst an internet forum population.

Grabaspoon · 10/03/2011 22:39

Colditz I just meant the general feeling of the thread - didn't mean that you had expressed those thoughts.

As said I am now going to find out more attachment disorders :)

colditz · 10/03/2011 22:39

Sorry, I'm feeling a little misunderstood tonight!

hissymissy · 10/03/2011 22:42

They have done what they thought is the best solution in order to hold their family together in the long term. I don't see it as selfish. It must be terribly sad to be away from their little boy, but the alternative was possibly not seeing each other for several years. In that time a relationship is under terrible strain, which in most likelihood mean divorce. They have left their son in good hands, with family members who love and cherish him.

Personally, it wouldn't be my choice. Because I am selfish; I couldn't bear to be torn apart from DS for months on end.

colditz · 10/03/2011 22:44

Don't you think that this child has a similar attachment to his parents that we have to our children?

Maybe he can't bear to be torn away from them for months on end. He doesn't get a choice though!

This is so desparately sad, and so, so selfish.

gaelicsheep · 10/03/2011 22:48

Appalling. What if the worst happened to both of them?

madwomanintheattic · 10/03/2011 22:49

well, gaelic, i think they might specify the action to be taken on that event in their compulsory will. Hmm

but what if they both die in a car accident tomorrow?

same thing i guess.

meditrina · 10/03/2011 22:49

I've now seen a link colditz has posted on another thread about attachment disorder. It lists 9 causative factors, 6 of which are types of unresponsive or erratic parenting, one is hospitalisation of the child, one is other separation (including foster care and adoption) and emotional separation eg depression.

It does not however give any information about the likely number of children who have experienced these circumstances, nor how many of those that do go on to have a disorder.

It doesn't seem to show that this disorder is inevitable following a physical separation (indeed from the ordering of the list tends to suggest that a parent who present but is parenting badly is the greater risk factor).

The Daily Mail doesn't give enough information on the nature of this familiy's parenting, nor the arrangements during absence, to be able to draw any conclusions at all on the likelihood of harm to this particular child.

The Daily Mail isn't noted for balanced reporting.

gaelicsheep · 10/03/2011 22:52

No need for the Hmm. They are taking a real risk quite deliberately. Anyhow, colditz's point about attachment difficulties is even more likely. I think the parents are being incredibly selfish.

madwomanintheattic · 10/03/2011 22:52

quite, meditrina.

and it's the inevitability i take issue with, particularly given the lengths military parents take to cover such bases such periods of deployment.

colditz · 10/03/2011 22:55

Not inevitable, just extremely likely IN MY OPINION.

And for even the smallest chance, for something that is a MENTAL DISORDER, why take the risk?

loubielou31 · 10/03/2011 22:59

How long between tours do the American military get?

Won't they have the same issues and have to make the same decisions in a couple of years time when there son will be old enough to understand?

Also, how hard will this boy find it to have another huge change in his life to go from his grandparents back to his parents

I can't imagine being separated from my partner for years at a time which was the reality for this couple and I can undersatnd that neither of them wanted to give up their careers.

Such a hard hard choice but I think they made the wrong one for their relationship with their son.

GilmoreGeek · 10/03/2011 23:03

Usually I am all for everyone doing whatever fulfils them job wise but I think that they should have realised that their jobs are not compatible with a family. At least not if they aren't willing to sacrifice seeing each other.
I totally understand how it is hard to not see your partner but if you can really not live without them and you want to keep your job so that both of you are abroad all the time I think having a child is not the right decision.

Loubielou, I thought the same. How long do they want to keep this up?

highriggs · 10/03/2011 23:05

Colditz

I am sure most people here can use a search engine as it is not a really hard thing to do

I think that you are confusing how you feel about a child been left with hard facts and not just some stuff you googled to back up how you feel.

It doesn't really make a credible argument

It would perhaps be better if you could investigate what happened to children during wartime wherever it was and how it affected children. There would have been long periods of separation perhaps from both parents and also the uncertainty of neither returning.

How did it affect children ?

gaelicsheep · 10/03/2011 23:16

I think there is anecdotal evidence that it did affect children. And if they were separated from both parents during the war then that would often be as evacuees for their own safety. That was parents making sacrifices for the sake of their children. This case is a young child being forced to make a huge sacrifice for the sake of his parents' careers. Not the same thing at all.

differentnameforthis · 11/03/2011 01:28

This case is a young child being forced to make a huge sacrifice for the sake of his parents' careers

Not even for their careers, Gaelic. But for their marriage, as they are doing this to prevent their marriage becoming damaged. If they had no choice expect to leave the army, then yes, that is a sacrifice for their career. But they do have a choice.

And they choose their marriage above their child. I hope they can reconcile that when he starts to show possible attachment issues. Because I really do think they are being impossibly naive to think this won't affect him. But if they think this is best, well then, I hope they are right.

Plenty of people manage to have successful marriages after being away from each other for extended periods of time.

differentnameforthis · 11/03/2011 01:32

expect except

Morloth · 11/03/2011 01:50

Wouldn't the child have the same attachment issues if they tag teamed the 2 years? So with Mum for a year then Dad takes over and Mum goes away?

Still changing primary carers.

I am in no position to judge, some people have it rough and have to make decisions that I don't have to.

madwomanintheattic · 11/03/2011 04:05

the old 'oh, well they could just leave' was bound to turn up. no, you can't 'just leave'. you can apply for premature release from your contract if you have not already been warned for ops. the military are under no obligation to release you if they judge you are required and it is within the terms of your contract (ie the period of time you have signed on for).

when i joined the military, i was required to sign a form to say if i dared to get married or pregnant i would be required to leave. end of. i see that would sit quite well with some of the posters on here fortunately the european court of human rights thought differently. presumably this couple met as serving soldiers, fell in love, got married, and had a baby. y'know, just like any other couple on the planet.

if you could just leave, or decide you didn't really really fancy getting shot at this month, ta very much, it wouldn't be much of a fighting force. individual soldiers/ airman/ sailors don't make the decisions. this couple may have agreed a deal with the drafters which they thought was in the best interests of their family, or they may have been making the best of a bad job.

without knowing their family (or their extended family) how on earth can anyone judge whether this was the right or wrong decision? only time will tell.

nooka · 11/03/2011 06:00

My understanding is that resigning from the US army is very hard, so the obvious option for one of them to quit probably wasn't on the agenda. Besides which this little guy is obviously very much loved by all his family. You can't really compare staying with loving grandparents as being the same as being evacuated to strangers who frequently didn't really want the children that were billets on them. Or to children in the care system who have generally had very sub standard parenting to start with.

My cousin's mother died when she was three and she lived with our grandparents for a year until my uncle remarried when she got a new mother. I'm not saying that losing her mother hasn't left a mark, but she gained a very strong relationship with our grandparents and certainly no attachment disorder (which if you read the adoption threads is a very very serious problem, caused where things have got deeply wrong in a child's life).

ScroobiousPip · 11/03/2011 06:18

What the DM doesn't say is the relationship that their son had with his GPs before his parents left. The best position is that he already spent a lot of time with his GPs and perhaps even saw them as his primary carers before his parents left. In which case - hopefully - his parents decision to go together won't cause long term problems for him.

Unless they decide to play happy families again when they come back of course. Which would be both stupid and selfish.

Sounds like the child would be best off living with his GPs long term in all honesty.

nooka · 11/03/2011 06:53

Looking at the US news reports they have already returned (it was a seven month tour) and the grandparents fully expect him to go back home, as they are saying how much they will miss him.