To be "confused" about people's relationships on MN?

[AnnyR]

I have only been reading these forums for a few weeks and am increasingly confused/worried about many people's reactions relationships.

There seems to be a stock answer of "kick him out" or "leave him" when someone is having a bad time with their DH or DP. Is this why we have such a high divorce rate at the moment?

I wonder because I think that no-one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Having been married for nearly 25 years I know that it is hard to stick it out sometimes. Both of us have done things to hurt and upset the other over the years, but we stick together for loads of reasons. Mainly because we ultimately love each other. And because we have DC who need both of us.

Obviously, cases of domestic violence are different - I don't think you should always stay together no matter what. Also, I am not religious and didn't make vows in church, so I am not coming from that angle either.

But why are so many Mumsnetters so quick to advise people to leave?

I am genuinely confused and sad :(

you may be right about him, TSH

I just don't think it makes sense to apply that logic to everyone else's motives for trying to remind women that they do not have to tolerate being treated like a piece of shit

I do wonder sometimes if the "aww, he's just a bloke, he doesn't know any better, you should forgive him/put it down to his upbringing/male PND, you need to tell him how to treat you" brigade would give the same advice to heir daughters who may be in a shit relationship, where her self-confidence is slowly being chipped-away at

now that is what I see "all over Mumsnet"

But did all your social circle agree with you TSH?

There's no doubt that there are people out there like this. But in popular culture, that person is nearly always female not male. Whereas in RL, I assume that that attitude isn't divided along gender lines.

I hink it is subjective,, TSH, because my verion of what is "minor" may be very different to someone else's

I think we are forgetting posting histories too

Although none of us have a photographic memory for previous threads, some of us that hang out in the Relationships section recognise posting styles and someone reposting the same stuff over and over again in an effort to get different replies

that happens quite a bit

to ignore a backstory (in some situations) is not the right thing to do, and I reckon newer posters may get taken aback by the directness of some of the replies, sure

that doesn't mean to say you shouldn't post if you don't know the back story, but at least bear in mind that there very often is one

I can think of a few posters who have repeatedly, sometimes with namechanges and sometimes not, reposted just single episodes, or relativeley-minor stuff, that on drawing out is actually a whole pattern of an abusive relationship

< shrugs >

it must be all those lemons you've been sucking

aye the "leave him possee hes a misognist/oppressor/knob" oft touted for any misdemeanour's from misplaced the remote control to wont watch supernanny repeats

almost any thread trots to that inevitable fraught conversation with helpful suggestions....

You are a goddess who drinks from the font of wonder & wisdom.He is a knob jockey who bathes in your aura.kick him out, call womens aid, change the locks, look at i-am-goddess-i-am-wooooman.com with helpful links to a quacky site

Proclamations that they's kick their dh in clackers and disembowel with a rusty spoon if he even looked at them funny

there were no exaggerations nor outright untruths in that last post, no sirree...

no i leave exageration and hyperbole to the potty mouth posters

where are they then ?

< looks around in vain >

Scottishmummy

All these people have seen these threads yet all the leave the twat mob can scream is "show me a thread"

Lilsmate,

You are crying into the wilderness.

There is a brigade who will maintain the bitter divorcee is a figment of the menz' imagination and it is a misogynist concept.
Never mind that no-one (and certainly not me) has claimed that bitter male divorce(e)s do not exist. I am sure there are plenty of those too but I have just seen less of them on these threads (maybe because it is MNet). And, as for the disingenuous argument that I (and anyone has disagreed with them) believe that the reason they want to split couples up is because they want to get at the men. I don't believe that for one second. They want to split couples up because they genuinely believe women are better off WITHOUT MEN. Of course they would phrase it as "without twats, twunts" or something similar.

larry, there really are some men that women are better off without

you are absolutely right on that score

the same goes for both genders, btw, but we get very many fewer men on here asking about their relationships

you don't seem to undersand the entirely natural skewing that happens on a female-dominated website

it's really not rocket science

PeterAndre,

Once again you are completely disingenuous. I think all my posts acknowledge explicitly the skewing you refer to. You just choose to ignore it.

What are you on about, LG? Of course there are bitter male divorcés. Just because YOU don't know any, doesn't mean they don't exist. Or are you one of those who doesn't believe in anything unless you have direct experience of it?

Sorry, mis-read on my part thanks to your extensive use of brackets.

I love the way Larry claims to speak for us all in that lordly way.

Who believes that women are better off without men Larry?

What, all women? And all men? When did anyone ever say that?

Names, dates and threads please.

I think it's more likely that you've read threads where posters have pointed out that the OP would be better off without her particular man and have then extrapolated out that to mean that all women everywhere are better off without all men everywhere. It's something people who don't pay attention, do all the time - they see criticism of one man as being criticism of all men, or criticism of Peter Tatchell as being criticism of all homosexuals, or criticism of Gordon Ramsey as being criticism of all chefs... etc. etc. I'm not sure how we can deal with that tendency, long term obviously it's an issue of teaching critical thinking and textual analysis in schools, short term I guess we can only urge people to read what is actually written on the page, rather than transposing their rather simplistic and not very well thought-out prejudices onto that post.

HTH.

Cut out the middle 'man'

Leave the twat

yanbu

You also seem to believe that lots of divorce(e)s , male or female, are bitter.

That's not my experience. Most people who are divorced, male and female, aren't bitter. In fact, in all my life I've only met 2 people who were divorced - one male and one female - who I would describe as being embittered. All the other people I've met who have been through divorces or relationship break ups, seem perfectly normal, level headed, rational and OK, just like everyone else. Shock horror.

Am loving your work on the boards at the moment lilsmum. Are you just going on random threads and shouting "Leave the twat"? whatever the OP? Have you been on the breastfeeding threads with that messgae?

I'm just trying to be accepted HerBex