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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when it comes to my partners 8yr old?

81 replies

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:02

my partner and i have been together for almost a year and are expecting our first child in june - a daughter.the problem is every fortnight we bicker over the fact that i cannot bond with his 8yr old son.to me i am not this childs mother nor should i be expected to be.i cannot feel for his son the way i do for our daughter.here in lies the problem...my partner said being with us is the closest his boy gets to a real family which is all very well but we will never be that "perfect" family....am i really being unreasonable????please help i am going out of my mind

OP posts:

Newgolddream · 05/03/2011 11:06

Whats a "perfect" family anyway? Of course its not being unreasonable to say you will feel more for your own biological child but that doesnt mean you cant make an effort with your DPs son. A few facts are missing and would be helful - where does his son live? Will he be living with you? Is his Mum around?

Because if shes not around and will be living with you all then YABU.

Poor wee soul, hes your partners son at the end of the day, and will be your childs half brother.

ENormaSnob · 05/03/2011 11:07

Do you treat the boy differently?

Define your idea of a perfect family.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:08

Well firstly you probably wont ever feel the same way about his son as you do about your daughter, but the important thing to remember is your partner will.

As long as you don't push the 8yr old out, understand the bond he has with his Dad and treat him well, that should be enough.

Oh and there's no such thing as the 'perfect' family

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 11:10

Do you expect him to feel differently for his daughter than he does for his son? Because that isnt fair either.

This boy will be your childs half sibling.

Shakirasma · 05/03/2011 11:10

I am a step parent, so is my husband. We have 1 child each from previous relationships and 2 children together.

Yes, you do feel differently towards your biological children but you must not show it to the children. All kids in the family must be treated the same.

BringOnTheGoat · 05/03/2011 11:10

You are not his mother but you are his step-mother - like it or not. That took me a while to deal with as a step-parent. You are with someone who has a child already - you should embrace that or not be together. It is unfair on DSS to be any other way. Imagine if you and your partner split - how would you feel if this post was about your DD?

Bogeyface · 05/03/2011 11:12

WHy cant you bond with him? Is there an issue you have with his behaviour or is it just that you dont really know him? Why are you so sure that you wont be the "perfect" family?

You have only been together a year so I wouldnt have expected much of a bond to develop yet, but given that you are having a baby in a few months (that was rather quick!) I think you do need to put more effort into your relationship with the boy.

He didnt ask to be part of your family, he didnt ask you to be with his dad or have a baby, but he will be expected to deal with it. If he knows that you adore the new baby but have little time for him then your relationship will deteriorate further.

Admittedly your DP seems to have an idealised picture in his head of how things will be when the baby comes, with you all playing happy families. But you seem equally determined that it will be the exact opposite! A reality check is needed all round I think. You can have a very happy family, but you both need to realise that a) it doesnt just happen, you need to work at it and b) the childrens needs and feelings must come before yours.

As his fathers partner and the adult, you have a responsibility to the boy to make your relationship work. You seem determined that it wont, and I wonder why. If you are refusing to try to make a family that will include this boy then I wonder why you are having a baby with his father, who you presumably knew had a child when you got together. This boy is your partners son and your daughters sister and therefore is a part of your family whether you like it or not! Whether you can grow up, accept that and work on making it a happy family for all concerned is up to you.

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:14

I suppose part of it depends on whether or not you are making an effort to bond with his son. Do you take the time to be a stepparent to him? Or simply consider him "your partner's son"...

I agree there is no such thing as the perfect family. But the comment you made that "every fortnight we argue " over this seems to indicate that he possibly does not live with you and visits every fortnight, and that something is occurring regularly that indicates to your partner that you haven't really bonded with his son. Sorry, but I've always been a firm believer in "love me, love my child - we are a package deal" in relationships. How can you say you love someone and not feel fondly in some respect for their child?

So, I'm curious... what kicks off this fortnightly argument?? I think that may shed a bit more light on this situation...

Bogeyface · 05/03/2011 11:14

Your daughters brother not sister..duh!

DaisyDaresYOU · 05/03/2011 11:16

This sort of thing riles me.I can't help it.As long as you make the boy feel welcome and happy I can't see a problem.How do you treat him?

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:16

Very good post Bogeyface

OP does the contact have to be just once a fortnight? Can his son spend more time with you both? If you've not been together a year yet and only seen him every two weeks, maybe that's why you can't bond?

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 11:17

You have to treat his son the same way you treat your daughter when she is born. YOu cannot differentiate between the two. That would be wrong.

When you got with him you got with his son too, it is part of the package. Try harder.

Original poster

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:18

i dont treat him differently and im never mean to him.he lives nr london with his mum and we have him fortnightly.i know my partner fells equally for both children but i feel its unfair that i am expected to be the same and he throws a hissy fit when he cant have it his own way.believe me i know what i sound like and i do not want to feel this way it brings me to tears daily because im punishing myself for not being everything my partner wants me to be.i do not have a perfect family by any stretch of the imagination i do not believe there is one i feel however my partner has other ideas...it may just be the hormones as things were never this bad and we all used to get on.

OP posts:

cory · 05/03/2011 11:18

What does it mean in practical terms that you can't bond with him?

Do you treat him differently?

Do you push him off if he seeks affection?

Do you feel the need to keep pointing out to your dp that you do not feel the same about his son?

If any of the above, then YABU.

Or is it your dp who keeps nagging you about how you feel towards his son and is always on the lookout for confirmation that you feel differently?

In which case YANBU.

I find it odd that you should want to make assumptions now about what your family will or will never be like. People do bond with 8yos, you know. But it is a process that takes hard work.

Or are your reservations about the relationship more in general? Do you feel your dp is moving too swiftly?

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 11:20

Very very well put Bogeyface, and exactly what I was thinking too, but I dont think I could have put it quite so eloquently.

I feel very sorry for what must be a confused little boy. He sees his dad once a fortnight, and daddy now has a new girlfriend, almost before he gets a chance to even make any sort of relationship with her, she gets pregnant, and he gets shoved to one side if the Op has her way.

Sorry Op, but your post really does annoy me. This is a child, this is your partners child, and you cannot erase him from your partners life. When you make a committment to a man with a young child, you take on a certain amount of responsibility to that child too in the role of step-parent.

You really should have developed your relationship with the child before getting pregnant, although that is too late now.

I really do hope that you havent purposely got pregnant simply to try and take this man away from his son. I have seen women do that before, and it is not nice behaviour.

You are the adult and it is up to you to try to bond with this child, and you have to do it. That child deserves it. Do not try and exclude him once his sister is born.

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:22

When you say "he throws a hissy fit" are you referring to your partner or the 8yo? I'm going to go with the 8yo, but perhaps he is feeling a bit like he is being replaced with this new baby and that (because he hasn't had the chance to bond with you) you are pulling his daddy away from him.

Is there any chance that maybe you and your partner could have his son stay with you for maybe a week (like during school term break coming up) before your baby arrives, so you can get more time to bond and he can feel more secure in the family? You can also take the time then to include him in the baby stuff, like emphasising to him that the baby will be his little sister and she will look up to him and love him, and make him feel included and special.

Newgolddream · 05/03/2011 11:22

What does your DP expect you to "do" or "feel" for his DS that you are not doing (in his eyes)?

ivykaty44 · 05/03/2011 11:24

my partner said being with us is the closest his boy gets to a real family

why? Where is this boy's mum - where or who does this boy live with for the rest of the time he is not with you? Is he in a childrens home or something similar?

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 11:25

looking at this from another POV - I would not even want to be with a man who was happy for his son from a previous marriage/relationship to be sidelined while he played happy families with the new family/partner/baby.......

of course your DP wants you all to get on as one happy family, but it takes time and effort

YABVU if you are not prepared to give it your very best shot for the sake of your DH, your baby AND his son too - imagine how that poor boy will feel if the new baby takes his place in his fathers affections (which is how it will seem unless the adults here try very very hard to make sure it is not the case)

you need to welcome this boy into your home wholeheartedly - not just tolerate him, and get him involved in all the excitement of the new baby

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:26

and perhaps you could try to mentally stop using the "step" thing. It's a defining term, but it's also limiting. My DH & I have two older children from previous marriages, and two younger children. We never refer to them as "step" children in any way. They are ALL our children. They don't refer to each other as "step"brother or "step" sister... they are brothers and sister.

he could be a lovely big brother to your little girl, provided you give him the encouragement and confidence to feel secure in the family.

Original poster

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:29

while i value your opinions i do not think it is fair to judge.i have not deliberately gotten pregnant believe me i passed out when i discoved i was.we did not plan our daughter i have never pushed his son to one side i try very hard to be involved and find myself subsequently pushed out and isolated.i have always tried to bond with him but have found it increasingly difficult when i feel i am not wanted.i am more than willing to do the hard work to make this work but feel very alone and out of my depth when it comes to parenting as this will be my first time...i am terrified i will do it wrong and both children will grow up hating me

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 05/03/2011 11:29

Reading your second post, I wonder if your DH knows how you feel about his son and is worried about his son being pushed out when the baby comes. You say that you wont treat him differently but perhaps your lack of feeling towards the boy is more obvious that you realise and this is upsetting your DH?

I dont think your DP is necessarily going about it the right way, but being argumentative about it, but you are not helping the situation by refusing to even try and make things better.

You just say that you shouldnt be expected to love him as your own, so you wont try and your DP should just accept that your own child will come first. That would be heartbreaking to me if DH was like that about my children.

I am afraid that I think your DP has a point and you need to try and see it from his and the childs pov more instead of being so wrapped up in yourself. Sadly the biggest part of being a step parent isnt looking after the child or dealing with the ex. It is being selfless and putting your own needs second to the child and if you cant do that.....

Bogeyface · 05/03/2011 11:32

I am afraid that you will be pushed out, because you took the boys Daddy away from him and with the new baby coming, he is feeling even more isolated.

Thats how the boy will see it, and as I said, its part and parcel of being a step parent. You know and understand and chose this situation, he didnt and needs reassurance and love, not annoyance and you feeling all abandoned!

Original poster

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:34

see this is the thing he is with his mother when he isnt with us but she works all the time and doesnt give him attention.we have explained what our daughter will be to him and how important he will be to her but he just doesnt seem to care or want to be a part of this as he wanted a little brother

OP posts:

Original poster

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:37

i do love him and would do anything to protect him but my partner wants me to feel the way he does...i have tried explaining that it will take time but he wont have any of it...its either right now or not at all.

OP posts:

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