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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when it comes to my partners 8yr old?

81 replies

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:02

my partner and i have been together for almost a year and are expecting our first child in june - a daughter.the problem is every fortnight we bicker over the fact that i cannot bond with his 8yr old son.to me i am not this childs mother nor should i be expected to be.i cannot feel for his son the way i do for our daughter.here in lies the problem...my partner said being with us is the closest his boy gets to a real family which is all very well but we will never be that "perfect" family....am i really being unreasonable????please help i am going out of my mind

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 05/03/2011 12:13

So your partner expects you to bond with his son yet never includes you in things that could help to develop that bond Confused

Your partner sounds VU to me.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 05/03/2011 12:13

I think you're sulking because the boy is not enthusiastic about the baby, maybe tarnishing your blended family vision slightly ?

8 year old boys are not generally interested in pregnant women or baby girls, they all want brothers. Which is fair enough tbh.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 12:13

Perhaps you not knowing his Mum yet is making him a little stand offish? I'm sure in time as you both get to know each other it will help with the bond, especially if contact increases in the future and you end up having him for holidays/christmas etc.

Triggles · 05/03/2011 12:14

told no by who? him or his dad? speak to your partner and suggest that you come up with a couple NEW activities that you can do AS A FAMILY. Maybe suggest somewhere like legoland, where he can see you are a huge lego fan as well, and choose a cool lego toy to do all together as a family. Maybe one of those lego models that you can them keep together and put on display on a shelf as a "family project". But make time EVERY VISIT to do some type of activity as a family. Tell you partner that this is important. If he wants you all to bond you must actually spend SOME time together. That way he has some time with just his dad, which is important, and some time with all of you as a family.

And as for the "it was because of her working so much"... well, LOL. Of course he's not goign to place any blame at his doorstep. But that's really neither here nor there, and doesn't much affect your relationship with his son.

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:15

i know it is fair enough but it isnt me thats making the issue out of it it is my partner...

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:15

Really how is there a time limit Hmm, are you and your partner in it for the long term, do you want to get married. If so you have plenty of time.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:18

Exactly ApocolypseCheese too right Smile. I think that your partner should do more to facilitate the bonding process between you and the ds. Do things as a family, but also take the baby himself when she is a little older so that you can do more one on one things with him that he might like: bowling, cinema, swimming

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 12:18

your partner is definitely in the wrong if they do stuff together and always exclude you! how are you meant to get to know one another! yes they do still need their own time, alone, but not the whole weekend.

how about a trip to the cinema and for pizza together, or to a zoo/museum/etc with a pinic/cafe lunch? how about you buy him some sort of science or model building kit he can do with his dad at your house while you mill around in the background,
taking an interest but not actually joining in.

then perhaps you could all muck in and cook dinner together

maybe he would like to go shopping and choose a gift or help pick something you need for the baby(the gender is irrelevant - even whole-sibs complain they are getting the wrong gender baby, or would rather have a puppy/tractor etc). it is so importnat he sees this baby as his siter not just your baby

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:18

i feel we are...i mean we are having a baby together.i know that in this day and age that really doesnt mean much but it does to me.thankyou for the lovely ideas about family projects i will definitely suggest them and see what happens.

OP posts:
clam · 05/03/2011 12:20

This all sounds very odd. How can you bond with the child if he won't even let you join in with Lego? Or is he not keen on you joining in because he feels you don't like him? Chicken and egg, really.

Your partner has a crucial role to play here, and he can start by cutting out the "bond now or not at all" comments. How's that supposed to help? Step back, chill and let things develop at their own pace.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:21

The only way you are going to get to know him is to include his interests, do things together that he might like and in time a bond will probably develop. Make him included and involved with the baby after all she will be his sister.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 12:21

It sounds like this little boy has already had a complicated life. He has a half sibling sister already. It sounds like the relationship between your partner and his ex didnt end on good terms. I would have thought that over the course of a year you would have even if only briefly, met this boys mum.

Maryz · 05/03/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:23

Yes your partner is definitely at fault, he should be encouraging the bond and inovlving you. Mabey he picks up on your uneasiness and thats why he wont include you in Lego. Even my little girl who will be 4 soon wont, she will say mummy go away and does not like her play interrupted. At times she doesent mind. But gradually chip in there and hopefully it will come, it wont come all of a suddden but a gradual bond

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:24

thats what i thought...these things need time to develop not be forced.i think he wont let me join in becase its something he and his dad do.he is very much his dads son he has his traits and that is why i love him.

OP posts:
Triggles · 05/03/2011 12:24

it's also good to remember that some behaviour is going to simply be typical 8year old behaviour and not directed specifically at you, even though you feel it might be. such as the wanting a brother instead of a sister.

I had a friend who quite some time ago married a man, and they each had 2 children from prior marriages. His children were a bit older than hers (his were preteen age), and she called me, all upset, one day claiming that she was certain his kids were trying to make her crazy. I pointed out to her that it most likely wasn't directed at her personally, that as preteens, they viewed their goal in life to drive their parents crazy and it was simply typical annoying preteen behaviour. She later, after reading on forums with other parents of children the same age and talking to other parents, said "yup. it wasn't me. they're just kids..." Grin

So, to keep your resentment level down, please keep in mind that it's not always about you. That way you're not taking everything quite so personally. Something which, as I recall, tends to happen when you're pregnant. Grin

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:29

no squeakytoy i havent so much as caught a glimpse of her i would like to meet her though i just dont think my partner is keen (for whatever reason) and thankyou maryz that does help.is the worrying so much natural or is it just the babys way of testing your limits???? another question are the constant bouts of crying natural??they are making me exhausted which really isnt helping the situation..

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 05/03/2011 12:44

I'm not surprised the boy won't play lego with you - he wants to spend time with his father, not you, and only gets the chance every fortnight. This is completely understandable, especially as he is 8. I think that is best left as a Boys activity.

I think uou need to come up with family activities you can all do together. Swimming is good as you can take the baby when she arrives and the boy will still get to be mainly with his fat he whilst you look after her. Walks are good (if you have a Smartphone or GPS/Satnav you can try Geocaching which is like a treasure hunt. Again, it is an activity where you can have the baby in a sling whilst the Boys handle the gadgets). Anything where you are out as a family but the Boys are also having fun/spending time together is good. It will also be important that the baby doesn't stop any family activities or intrude on Lego Time (this will be important when she is mobile and wrecking stuff!!)

Is there a dining table they can do lego on so it becomes more of a family thing where you are all around each other but doing your own thing?

Your partner is being unreasonable if he expects you to love and adore his son this early but equally, you took on that responsibility when you got together with a man with a child.

dignified · 05/03/2011 12:56

I think your partner is very unreasonable to insist you feel a certain way about his son. How you feel is your own business , although how you act is of course up for discussion.

You shouldnt be in tears about this , your partners demands are unreasonable. I think id state that this bollocks about bonding is not up for discussion again. Hes only with you 4 days a month and thats his time with his dad. Id have thought your role is going to be that of a freind , not nanny Mcfee .

What is it exactly that your partner wants ? Does he want you to spend more time with him ? Im struggling to see what he actually is griping about .

tazmintee · 05/03/2011 13:13

yes you are being unreasonable, quite selfish and coming over like a spoilt brat

imo :)

Maryz · 05/03/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 15:01

im hoping it is all down to the hormones and i think you have a very valid point...i am seriously concerned about how having my newborn will affect my relationship with his son.i think overall the prospect of being a full time first time parent is scaring the life out of me.my partner makes it look so easy.
at least i know now im not the only one who is balling my eyes out at the slightest things.i cried this morning because i forgot to put sugar in my tea.
thankyou all for your advice you have been a huge help and i suggested some of your ideas to the boys and they are considering them so thankyou xx

OP posts:
pranma · 05/03/2011 22:20

Actually geordie I retract my original YABU-I think your dp should be helping you more and you are doing your best.is the sister your dp's as well?

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 06/03/2011 10:11

no shes not his.ive sat down with them both and spoken to both my partner and his boy and we have worked things out.his boy and i are going to have a couple hrs on saturdays where we do something fun just me and him and my partner is going to stop pushing the issue.xx

OP posts:
Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 06/03/2011 10:12

if you mean the other sis that is...no shes not his. lol xx

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