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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when it comes to my partners 8yr old?

81 replies

geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:02

my partner and i have been together for almost a year and are expecting our first child in june - a daughter.the problem is every fortnight we bicker over the fact that i cannot bond with his 8yr old son.to me i am not this childs mother nor should i be expected to be.i cannot feel for his son the way i do for our daughter.here in lies the problem...my partner said being with us is the closest his boy gets to a real family which is all very well but we will never be that "perfect" family....am i really being unreasonable????please help i am going out of my mind

OP posts:
hairylights · 05/03/2011 11:41

It is possible to fully live a child that is not yours biologically. However if you can't you can't. Very difficult situation, as you are now expecting a child with him. But perhaps he has a point ... His child is important ... And you are now a family unit... In being with this man you have to find a way to accept his prior commitments... His son.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 11:42

Then your partner is expecting too much. What does he mean by "right now or not at all".

How long ago did he split up with the boys mum?

Your partner needs to realise that this is one half of his sons family, and that his boy does still have a real family with his mum, so what if she has to work? he is 8, he is at school, and his mum no doubt needs to work.

I do hope your partner is not putting this sort of pressure on his son too. :(

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:45

Your partner is definitely expecting too much of you but you are expecting too much of the 8yr old if you expect him to be excited about a new baby.

Even if his parents were still together, he probably wouldn't be too happy about the idea of a baby coming along when he's used to being the only child.

Once the baby arrives, his attitude will probably change...as long as you include him in everything and let him hold/help change/bath the baby etc...

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:46

well, of course he wanted a brother. he's EIGHT!! Please please don't expect reasonable measured logical behaviour from an eight year old. You'll be setting yourself up for failure from the start.

Instead of telling your partner that you don't feel the same about his son as you will about your daughter, tell him what you said earlier - that you feel in over your head about parenting as you've never done it before and are terrified you'll do something wrong. Because if my DH said the first thing to me, I'd be very Hmm but if he said the second, I'd be more open to discussing it. There's a BIG difference between the two.

And you think YOU feel isolated? You're an ADULT!! Think about how that CHILD feels?!?!

It IS part of being in a relationship which involves children from another relationship - you get the baptism by fire introduction to "children must come first".

Try this... perhaps it will help you think of it from your partner's (and his child's) POV:

Think about your baby... how protective you feel about her and how much you probably already love her and cherish her.

Now... stop and think that your partner feels this way about HIS SON!

Look ahead ten years. Imagine that you've split from current partner and have a 9-10 year old daughter and a new partner. You're expecting another baby, and he tells you he just can't feel about your daughter like he does about the upcoming baby. That he cannot bond with her. How would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Upset? Protective of your daughter? Concerned?

Yup... most likely....

Does that situation sound familiar?

BringOnTheGoat · 05/03/2011 11:49

What exactly are you doing or not doing that bugs your partner?

If you are constantly talking about 'not bonding' then just stop. Talk about the things you enjoy with DSS. Talk about how you look forward to doing 'family' things DD arrives. Maybe take the focus off the negative?

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:49

i think he was still a baby when they split.it was because of her working so much.believe me i am trying and hate myself for feeling this way...could it really just be the hormones???we used to get on great and we had the start of a fantastic bond.the only way i can explain it is my partner thinks i can snap my fingers and the bond be there.i think tbh we are both feeling it..both me and the boy.my partner cant just leave it to develop between us.

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BringOnTheGoat · 05/03/2011 11:51

Maybe you should have a conversation about his previous split - sounds like he may have an issue with his expectations of others.

ivykaty44 · 05/03/2011 11:52

I think you have to explain to your dp that he needs to back off otherwise he will be the cause of the not bonding with your dss.

Tell your dp to let you bond over time otherwise it just will build up resentment

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:53

so, again I ask.. what's going on when these fortnightly arguments start? what kind of things are done on his visits? (together or apart or whatever)

Triggles · 05/03/2011 11:54

sorry, but I hardly think a year of fortnightly visits with his 8year old son is "snapping his fingers and expecting the bond to be there". A year is a fair bit of time to get to know a child, even if it is only every couple weeks. How long is the visit generally and what do you all do?

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 11:56

A bond with a child who you only see fortnightly can take a long time. A year is really not enough, and with a pregnany too, that is a lot for an 8 year old to contend with.

I think the poster who suggested you have the boy for a week during school holidays (over easter maybe?) to involve him properly in day to day life, rather than just once every two weeks will help to develop the relationship between you all.

You have to consider, you havent known each other long, it is still early days in your relationship with your partner, never mind his child.

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 11:58

i only ever told him once about the bonding thing.i told him i feel in over my head and he just brushes it off instead of sitting and talking he just says "you'll be fantastic" i wish i had his enthusiasm...we always talk about what we can do as a family and sometimes this does make the son happy but i do agree that he is feeling a bit out of his depth here as he was the only child when he is with us...he has a 13yr old sister at his mums.my partner tells me how much his boy loves me but that could just be my partner saying it..i dont know.maybe im focussing on things too much instead of just going with it.

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worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:58

What you could perhaps be feeling is panic. Panic that for the first time you and your partner are not getting along and yet you are pregnant so you feel this has to be resolved now

My friend fell pregnant very quickly with her partner and if they fell out over the slightest thing, she'd go into panic mode and wonder if they were really right for each other.

It's obviously too late now, but if you had waited before getting pregnant, this problem would have stood a better chance of being resolved because there would be no rush in your eyes to resolve it.

ScarlettWalking · 05/03/2011 11:59

I think your partner should back off and let you bond in your own time. You really can't push these things. I bonded with DSS over his work placement applications last summer he is 19 and I've known him since he was 10. We always were civil and kind to each other but "bonding" takes time.

I think he will love your DD and be very protective over her if you include him but not push it - this is very important.

fifi25 · 05/03/2011 12:03

your baby will probably throw loads of hissy fits when its older..fgs its an 8 yr old and he may be confused about things. It cant be nice for him having to go home when he gets no attention at home and he probably wants to be with his dad

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:04

when he is here they go swimming they go for walks.i am never asked if i want to go and theres never a compromise.we have him from friday night to sunday lunch.he plays in his room with his dad...he is a big lego fan...although i am an adult i love playing with lego yet he wont play with me...i have asked on more than one occasion and i am always told no.

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Longtalljosie · 05/03/2011 12:05

it was because of her working so much

That sounds extremely unlikely.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 12:06

How well do you get on with his mum? I wonder if she has issues that the child is picking up on?

Just reading MN you can see that a lot of people have issues with their ex over maintenance, contact, spoiling etc...

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:06

YANBU at all in the way you feel, the boy already has a mother you are not a replacement for her and nor should you be made to feel that. However, you can develop a different kind of bond, and get to know him as like an aunt or a in a 'motherly' type role. I feel that you should make a big effort him feel included especially once the baby is born, and focus on developing some sort of a bond with him, after all he is your partners son and they come as a package, you cant have one without the other. Dont make it known to him or treat him differently that you feel this way.

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:07

if my daughter is anything like me then she will throw loads of hissy fits.i want to bond with him i really do...but im made to feel like im on a time limit for doing so.

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Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:09

thats what he told me...she was back working 4 days after she had him.

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worraliberty · 05/03/2011 12:09

Yes but the 'time limit' thing is probably as a result of getting pregnant so quickly. Perhaps your partner is also in panic mode. These things can't be rushed but it's understandable to feel that way.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 12:09

I think your partner should let you do more stuff together as a family and not on their own so that you can get to know him more. Like others have said it will take time.

pranma · 05/03/2011 12:10

Sorry-yabu I think.This is your dp's son and he must be feeling very vulnerable indeed.You are privileged that your dp regards you as a component of a 'real family' for his child.Even if you dont feel a 'bond'-fake it!!The child needs to feel secure,loved and wanted by his dad and you.I am stepmum to 3 and mum to 2-I love them all-not the same but love nevertheless.I tell my stepdgc they are the 'children of my heart' if not my blood.If your dp is pushed too hard I reckon it will be you who loses out not this poor innocent little boy.

Original poster
geordiegirl2210 · 05/03/2011 12:11

i dont know his mum at all ive never met her but from what my partner has said she isnt happy at the fact he is going to be a daddy again...

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