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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... not to want DH to go on this stag weekend?

129 replies

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:04

It's taken some courage to post here so please don't be too harsh.

The question is: would you be happy / unhappy for your other half to go away to an overseas stag weekend (2 nights, 3 days) in these circumstances?

Background: DH is currently away with the army. We have 2 young children: 2.5 and 1 year. We have no family nearby to help. He should be back at some point after 7th May, though we don't know when and won't for a long time. He's booked to go on an overseas stag weekend a couple of weeks after he's back. He's not particularly close to the guy who's getting married, but some of his close friends are going.

My perspective: if I'd been away from my spouse and children for several months, I wouldn't want to go away just a few days after coming back. I feel sad that it's going to be yet another weekend on our own. I also feel a bit pissed off that I won't get any chance to work that weekend (I'm desperately trying to finish my PhD before my supervisor retires, which is in August).

His perspective: he'll have had a long and tiring trip abroad. He's a doctor so hasn't been on the front line. He's been doing probably 80% GP stuff and 20% trauma medicine. But he hasn't seen his friends for ages.

In my position, how would you feel? AIBU to feel resentful of this planned trip - should I just suck it up, or would you feel the same?

Thanks for any input.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 07/03/2011 14:05

Reading my last post back I feel awful, because I am portraying him so much more negatively than I feel - he's lovely, I adore him and I'd never want to separate. It's hard to get a multidimensional portrayal of a character in just a few short posts.

I'm not explaining myself very well at all. I do agree that he finds it hard to empathise with me but then a lot of the time I find it hard to empathise with him. A big part of that is that I don't try as hard as I might to understand his point of view either, so I don't really provide an incentive for it to be reciprocated. I'm a natural apologist and coward (say sorry to people that walk into me on the street) so that's part of why I said sorry, but I'm also conscious that I'm the one raising issues of contention far more often than he does. I'm the one who gets upset and emotional about things, more frequently than I'd like at the moment, whereas I think he likes to let things go or bite his tongue rather than raising issues.

Anyhow, points taken - I shall try and book something lovely (and equally priced Smile) for myself and a friend for a weekend in the autumn, so I can't back out of it. Plus I'll have to be away with work in September for a couple of nights so will get a chance to catch up on some sleep then.

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 07/03/2011 14:06

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Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 07/03/2011 14:12

SWC - it's more, I think, that he wouldn't do them as I do them. I don't think I'd come back and find the DC wired up to the mains or anything, more that perhaps they would be wearing each others clothing, house would look even more of a bombsite than when I'm in charge (and it frequently looks a bombsite with me). He wouldn't do things badly for the sake of making a point though. So, the former I think.

OP posts:
Bringonthegoat · 07/03/2011 14:16

It must be so hard to let go of things when you spend such a huge amount of time solely in charge and struggling to cope with lots on your plate. Can you put that to him, explain how hard you find things with out him. Sounds like you two need a a face to face chat when he gets home and a well deserved night out together.

Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 07/03/2011 14:20

You're right bringon - I do really struggle to let go of things (as is clearly evidenced on this thread Grin). A lot of the bones of contention between us would, I think, be resolved naturally by spending a bit of quality time together and reminding ourselves what we love and respect about the other.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 07/03/2011 14:33

Frozen don't feel bad; as you say it's hard to summarise a person in a few lines, and obviously it's the more negative things that you are concentrating on here.

I can imagine how hard it is letting go of the reins when you spend so much time solely 'in charge' at home. But it would be so good for both of you if you were to 'let go' when he is around and have him take over for a day now and then. You know the children are safe in his care, so I think you need to just accept that he will not do everything exactly as you do. If you come back to find the house is a bit of a mess and the outfits don't match, does it matter? Maybe the more practice he gets in looking after everything without you sometimes, the better he'll get at multi-tasking Grin

smallwhitecat · 07/03/2011 15:40

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Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 10/03/2011 19:40

Hmph. Well, the plot thickens. Just opened my hotmail only to have his account log in automatically. Turns out that he's also booking tickets for a second stag a few weeks later - he's not bothered mentioning this one.

Am cross he didn't mention it. And have fairly short fuse at the moment - both DDs seem to have a tummy bug, which puts paid to me going to work tomorrow and suggests a night full of weeping, sick-covered children is only the beginning of the delights I have in store.

Reading back over the posts, I realised that I never mentioned that the place he is posted is not actually a war zone so at least I haven't had the worry (and he hasn't had the danger) of his previous stints in first Iraq then Afganistan.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/03/2011 19:51

Sorry, but I'd confront him about this.

Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 10/03/2011 19:58

Expat - I want to, but it's really hard to do when our lines of communication are unreliable. I'm so angry and frustrated, but feel guilty for feeling like that. I feel like I don't want to make the effort to keep in touch with him at all for the next few days til I calm down to be honest but I know that would not be fair on him and the DDs. However I have e-mailed him to say that I do not want to communicate on Skype tonight - he replied to say okay.

I'm really bad at this army wife shit.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/03/2011 20:02

'I'm really bad at this army wife shit.'

It can't be easy when the husband is selfish and immature as well.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2011 20:08

You've done the right thing for you in relation to this latest, though. Well done!

Do something thinking.

pgpg · 10/03/2011 21:51

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. I've only recently joined Mumsnet but PLEASE don't let what strangers say (including me) influence you too much! I can't believe how quickly these threads deteriorate. There's a heck of lot of man-bashing that goes on - and I never thought I'd be saying that.

Do you think he might possibly be just a tiny bit miffed that you have been discussing his behaviour with total strangers and then you send him the criticisms of his behaviour (some of them extraordinary IMO) and that you appear to be taking notice of the opinions of people who don't know him? How would any of us feel if a partner had done that to us? I'd feel betrayed and belittled.

I understand completely why you come to a site like this for support/opinion. It's an interesting site with many different opinions and plenty of wit and a fair amount of bile. However, most of the things I've read of the last few days have made me absolutely certain I won't be asking for any advice or opinions on relationships!

I'll definitely stick to recipes.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you enjoy his homecoming.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2011 21:54

'I'll definitely stick to recipes.'

It's probably for the best.

Because I know several of those of us who are 'man-bashers' for not being of the opinion that people should just suck up consistently selfish, immature behaviour from partners when in fact they'd express those opinions about females who behaved in exactly the same way.

Hmm
pgpg · 10/03/2011 22:07

Yep. I'll definitely stick to recipes. And I don't even do much cooking.

Does the OP feel that she is sucking up "consistently selfish, immature behaviour"? Honestly?

However, I have, (even in the couple of days I've been reading some of the "relationship advice" threads) realised that the best thing I can do is to leave you to it! So I will bow out now.

Hope it all works out for you FrozenNorthPole. Please talk it all over with some friends who know you both too.

[ducks]

expatinscotland · 10/03/2011 22:09

she seems pretty fed up and now he's going behind her back.

but there you go, enjoy recipes.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 10/03/2011 22:11

You know your husband, we don't!

I don't know how long he has been away for but we are almost five months into this current tour and even the most happy and solid marriages can start to feel disconnected after a period of time. It's entirely normal IME.

Take everything on here with a massive pinch of salt.

smallwhitecat · 10/03/2011 22:14

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Inertia · 10/03/2011 22:19

Frozen- I do accept the argument that somebody who has been on active service deserves the opportunity to get away to see friends, especially when this falls in the midst of a few weeks leave with family.

Then I read your post about being a full-time teacher, and completing a PhD by August, as well as having the day-to-day care of the children and a house to run. I was a teacher, and remember the days of having to work 8-5, pick the children up and sort out dinner, bed, household chores, before sitting down at 9pm to work for another 3-4 hours. You must be bloody knackered with doing a PhD as well!

I think you need to book in some time where you will go out of the house (library, university, even stay with rellies for a weekend) for 2 or 3 full days to work on your PhD, while your DH takes responsibility for everything to do with the children, meals and house. Book it in in advance so he can't wriggle out of it!

ApuskiDusky · 10/03/2011 22:56

OP, I'm joining this late, but I must say that I was sad to read how much you see yourself as being at fault for being emotionally needy at times that were incredibly difficult for you, with the miscarriages and a difficult time with your DD to begin with. Needing your DH to be around a lot more than normal in those circumstances is NOT needy, and I think you are blaming yourself too much. I would have been exactly the same, it is a NORMAL response.

Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 15/04/2011 22:21

Well, quick update, a month on ...

DH was told about the stag-weekend itinerary last week, which turned out to be a flat-rate inclusive lads' weekend from pissup . com which is about as salubrious as it sounds vile link here, shudder. The 'inclusive' part essentially means that you pay for everything regardless of whether or not you attend. With apologies to those of a sensitive disposition, an example of an activity on the 2nd day was 'goulash and growler' (ugh).

This changed everything. DH has never been to any form of stripping club/activity at all - finds them repulsive, degrading and misogynist. Having to accept that his money was going to go to the Budapest sex industry regardless of personal preference wasn't acceptable. He prayed about the situation and cancelled his ticket today. He said he wouldn't be able to come home and look at our DDs with a clear conscience if knew that he'd helped support the exploitation of women just like the women they will grow up to become (if that makes sense).

So he's cancelled his flight and sent an open e-mail 'round his friends explaining why.

I'm proud of him for doing this so publicly. Clearly he'll face some backlash from his mates, who will take it as the criticism of their choice that, in a way, it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 15/04/2011 22:25

PS - am plotting a surprise visit of a couple of his close friends up here to see him for his birthday, since I accept that a chance to relax and socialise is something that he fully deserves.

OP posts:
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/04/2011 23:12

Your idea sounds like way more fun for dh and friends than the stupid stag party. Have fun!

thenightsky · 15/04/2011 23:18

Urgh... that link reminds me of the film 'Hostel' Shock

MaisyMooCow · 15/04/2011 23:21

OP, just out of interest, where exactly is the stag do?