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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... not to want DH to go on this stag weekend?

129 replies

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:04

It's taken some courage to post here so please don't be too harsh.

The question is: would you be happy / unhappy for your other half to go away to an overseas stag weekend (2 nights, 3 days) in these circumstances?

Background: DH is currently away with the army. We have 2 young children: 2.5 and 1 year. We have no family nearby to help. He should be back at some point after 7th May, though we don't know when and won't for a long time. He's booked to go on an overseas stag weekend a couple of weeks after he's back. He's not particularly close to the guy who's getting married, but some of his close friends are going.

My perspective: if I'd been away from my spouse and children for several months, I wouldn't want to go away just a few days after coming back. I feel sad that it's going to be yet another weekend on our own. I also feel a bit pissed off that I won't get any chance to work that weekend (I'm desperately trying to finish my PhD before my supervisor retires, which is in August).

His perspective: he'll have had a long and tiring trip abroad. He's a doctor so hasn't been on the front line. He's been doing probably 80% GP stuff and 20% trauma medicine. But he hasn't seen his friends for ages.

In my position, how would you feel? AIBU to feel resentful of this planned trip - should I just suck it up, or would you feel the same?

Thanks for any input.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 21:15

It's two nights when they don't know exactly when he'll be back but they know it won't be for very long. When the children are very young, he's not close to the groom (whom the OP says is a nob) and she's trying to do a doctorate by August as well.

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 21:20

I'd better declare bias in that I think the groom far more of a twunt than my DH does. He's a loud, bitter borderline-alcoholic misogynist, in my eyes. But then I've only ever met him when he's drunk, and apparently he's better sober.

OP posts:

veg2grow · 03/03/2011 21:39

I would let him go with good grace. Put yourself in his shoes - away with the forces. When working away even when you are not on duty it feels like you are at work as you are not at home.

I guess when he is home he would want to squeeze in as much as possible and if that includes away with his close friends then so be it. He'd love you more for letting him go.

Just make sure that he spends some quality time with the children so that you can finish you PHD..good luck with it!

scaryteacher · 03/03/2011 21:42

Let him go and get credit for later. There may be things he's seen/done that he can't tell you about as your his wife, that he could talk to other blokes about (I know dh didn't always tell me what's happened when he got back from a deployment).

He came back from sea when I was pregnant and promptly buggered off sailing as I was saving all my leave for after ds was born to tag on my mat leave. Sadly, the yacht broke.....

Dh has been a stag week abroad - skiing, so it isn't always a piss up or a strip joint .

givemesomespace · 03/03/2011 21:48

What Veg and Scary said 100%. OP, I'm sure your OP is a good man and will make it up to you in bucketloads. :)

abenstille · 03/03/2011 21:54

Sorry, havent read whole thread. Id say he can go on proviso that the money is also found for a babysitter so you can work. If you could study at home (locked away upstairs) even a 6th form student or some such could do a whole chunk of it while you are on call nearby.
Then at least there is a compromise, you work, he sees his friends, the time you do actually spend together is happy and without resentment iyswim.

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 04/03/2011 09:40

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your input. I promised myself that I would send a link to this thread to DH regardless of the consensus, and I'm going to honour that promise. It's been really useful getting different perspectives on it, it's very easy to get wrapped up in what's best for me and my life, particularly with him so far away.

OP posts:

smallwhitecat · 04/03/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 04/03/2011 09:50

When your DH gets back is he on leave or will he still be working? Also do you work FT or PT (apart from childcare and doctorate!)

KeenBean · 04/03/2011 09:51

Hi there, stag weekends are a real headache and have caused all sorts of angst in my house. my husband is a doctor too and he always goes on really 'laddish' stag do's and I am very jealous and upset about what i fear they may get up too.

KeenBean · 04/03/2011 09:52

p.s i am also doing a phd. what is yours in? we have 3 young children. x

expatinscotland · 04/03/2011 10:42

Instead of showing him this thread, why not instead tell him your real feelings instead? Sad because again, my DH wouldn't even consider going on a jolly in such a situation anymore than I would.

Or tell him only if you get that babysitter in the whole time he's gone because if you want to wrap up your PhD by August and he's coming back sometime in May, that's not a lot of time.

It's about your family when you have young children, not me or him or any of that.

And sorry, but on Planet Maturia, when your children are that young, you don't get a lot of 'me time'.

legoverlil · 04/03/2011 10:52

Hire a hunk (he can pay)to look after the kids downstairs while you toil away upstairs. Make sure he gets to meet said hunk before he goes :)

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 11:08

frankly given his job & circumstances i can see why he wants to go.see mates,debrief, social fun.and no dont block that. dont misconstrue this as he doesnt want to be with you or kids, he probably wants some social and down time with mates

do however prioritise your PhD needs and hire an agency nanny or cm to take kids,allow you to get quiet time too

this doesnt need to be a stand off. needs bit planning for you both to get what you want and need

Malificence · 04/03/2011 11:12

Why is it that some women are almost brainwashed into believing that men need "fun" time away from their young families, at practically any cost to the relationship?
Men who are in HM Forces actually get plenty of fun time while they are away (yes even when away in a war zone), it's the wives who hold everything together back at home and have the additional stress of wondering if their H is going to come back in a body bag.
I know who needs to de-stress after him being away, and it's not him!

Butterbur · 04/03/2011 11:13

"I earn a lot less than DH, so couldn't justify the spend of money which is not mine"

As an aside, I don't understand this, OP. You are looking after the children. You're probably never going to match his earnings. Are you always going to be the junior partner in the relationship, unable to spend money on yourself?

Surely family money is family money; neither of you should undertake major expenditure without discussion, both of you should have an equal amount to spend on yourselves.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 11:22

and women can legitimately also have their social time with mates.i go out and dp watches the children.

and no front line active service is in no way comparable to sahm.at all

front line staff face risks,dangers,potential fatalities.risk getting arse blown off

sahm might be stressed but school run and childcare isn't dangeous or fraught activity

what a risible and ridiculous thing to say

scaryteacher · 04/03/2011 11:26

I'm not brainwashed at all Mal - I've been doing this for 25 years now; but after months cooped up in a black tube I could see why open sky and sun would appeal, as well as being on the water rather than under it.

I don't think there was much 'fun' to be had doing 20 hour days on a submarine for months at a time; not really anywhere you could go to get away from it all apart from rack time, and as a HOD you were on call 24/7 anyhow.

I disagree with you, I think they do need to destress after deployment and sometimes it needs to be away from home. I know my db has talked far more to friends about what he did in Afghanistan than to his wife or our mum and I don't think from what he said that 'fun' time came into it.

As to your other point - plenty of women hold everything together at home; single mums especially, so yes, service families do have a great deal of separation and there is always the risk of them being injured or killed, but we are doing what loads of other women do anyhow. If he's away or not, it's still me that keeps it all ticking over domestically.

flooziesusie · 04/03/2011 11:38

My dh is going on a stag do for his mate to Paris for one night; I'm only concerned that he'll come back alive!! And I am not joking, he is going with a bunch of hedonistic twats and he has NO backbone, and just will not say no to the majority.

Couldn't stop him though could I? That would make me a right old bag...

OP, I really feel your pain... x

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 04/03/2011 12:09

Expat - he knows my real feelings.

Warning: big emotional ramble coming on ...

The problem is, this is an ongoing issue between us. He's always felt that I'm not sufficiently supportive of his activities outside the home and family. I must stress that a lot of this really is my fault - during our early marriage, before we had kids, we had a fairly horrendous year (three miscarriages, living somewhere isolated from both my friends and his friends, I was completing my masters degree, he was working long shifts at odd hours on obs&gynae then paeds as a junior doctor). During this year I was very clingy and really hated it when he went away for a day or more, as it left me alone with all the sadness of an empty house. He was great about it at first but naturally, as time went on, began to resent it more and more.

The same issue reared its head during the high risk IUGR pregnancy of DD1: I was so worried about another failed pregnancy I clung to him then too. Things didn't get any better in the early days of our DD1 - she was one of those velcro babies who would not be put down, and she also had horrendous reflux as well as borderline failure to thrive in her first 2 months. I would be counting the seconds til he got home so I could pass DD1 to him, whereas after a long day at work he wanted to go running etc. I remember, to my shame, completely losing my temper one evening, after DD1's first vaccinations, and ringing his mobile (he was in London for the night visiting friends) to just hold the phone to her screaming mouth rather than actually saying anything myself (couldn't trust myself to). She'd been screaming for the prior two hours.

Okay, so that's possibly more context than you needed. But my point was really that I felt the need to ask about this situation on here because it's quite clear from our history that I'm just not very good at being fine with him having days/nights away, so needed some perspective on the situation.

For the poster who asked, I work full-time: teaching, marking etc. alongside the PhD. As such, I do have some childcare during the week. Re: me feeling bad about spending 'his' money, he'd be the first to tell me not to be silly about it and that it's 'our' money.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 04/03/2011 12:13

Scottishmummy - he's not frontline but I do take your point. He's seen some horrible, heartbreaking stuff and I do know it affects him from what he's said.

OP posts:

BabyYoureAFirework · 04/03/2011 12:17

It's not just men. A lot of people need fun time away - and why not? As long as the favour is returned, then I don't see the problem. If he were going a couple of days after getting home, I'd be pissed off - but as it stands, I think it's perfectly reasonable.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 12:17

op,shame you are having a hard time and feel vulnerable with previous relationship issues you describe. undoubtedly that is stressful

its about striking right balance,for you both
you feeling adequately supported and contained and him feeling he has adequate external activities too

i still wouldn't stop him going on stag do,i would have family time planned also,but try get babysitter go out as couple too.

get babysitter/cm/nanny someone watch your children so you can get stuck in on PhD

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 04/03/2011 12:22

Yes, I think I'll try and sort out a babysitter for at least one day that weekend. You're right that we both need balance - and perhaps a lot of this is my fault for not asking for some free time for myself very often, so I resent it when he asks rather than seeing it as something reciprocal, which it should be. He's a very dedicated doctor and a very dedicated dad, and I do feel childish for contemplating resenting this jaunt. But this is why mumsnet is good - gives you a chance to do the bigger and better thing when you can see the situation through other people's eyes, IYSWIM?

OP posts:

BabyYoureAFirework · 04/03/2011 12:25

Oh I can completely understand why you're annoyed by it! But he sounds like a decent man, and I'm sure that he would do the same for you if you were to ask, iykwim.

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