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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... not to want DH to go on this stag weekend?

129 replies

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:04

It's taken some courage to post here so please don't be too harsh.

The question is: would you be happy / unhappy for your other half to go away to an overseas stag weekend (2 nights, 3 days) in these circumstances?

Background: DH is currently away with the army. We have 2 young children: 2.5 and 1 year. We have no family nearby to help. He should be back at some point after 7th May, though we don't know when and won't for a long time. He's booked to go on an overseas stag weekend a couple of weeks after he's back. He's not particularly close to the guy who's getting married, but some of his close friends are going.

My perspective: if I'd been away from my spouse and children for several months, I wouldn't want to go away just a few days after coming back. I feel sad that it's going to be yet another weekend on our own. I also feel a bit pissed off that I won't get any chance to work that weekend (I'm desperately trying to finish my PhD before my supervisor retires, which is in August).

His perspective: he'll have had a long and tiring trip abroad. He's a doctor so hasn't been on the front line. He's been doing probably 80% GP stuff and 20% trauma medicine. But he hasn't seen his friends for ages.

In my position, how would you feel? AIBU to feel resentful of this planned trip - should I just suck it up, or would you feel the same?

Thanks for any input.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 12:26

yes balance so both feel adequately contained with needs met

best wishes for your PhD

MooMooFarm · 04/03/2011 14:52

Frozen don't let yourself be swayed into thinking your H is a 'twat' or any of the other lovely descriptions given on here by the regular man-bashers!

You know him - we don't. If you're happy he wouldn't get p*ed out of his brains and oggle prostitutes then I wouldn't listen to any mention of that on here.

Note to all - there are plenty of decent and honourable men out there - being a man doesn't equal being a 'twunt'.

Best of luck OP - glad to hear your H is one of the decent ones!

Malificence · 04/03/2011 14:58

I'm not one of the "regular man bashers" - I always stand up for loving, decent men who put their families first, that's why I don't think that what the OP's H wants to do are the actions of a decent and loving man who puts his family first.

I know what a decent and honourable man is, I've been married to one for 26 years.

smallwhitecat · 04/03/2011 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MooMooFarm · 04/03/2011 18:41

Malificence I'm not saying you are but we all know there are plenty and it doesn't help any discussion IMO (naming no names...)

expatinscotland · 04/03/2011 19:01

Then name them, instead of beating around the bush and hiding behind namechanges.

Because I agree with Mal, who put it just as blunty as I ever did.

Me time, support, blowing off steam, it's secondary when you have such a young family, which is always a choice in this society.

And so what does it say, if someone wishes to go off on a jolly or emotionally blackmails his/her spouse with 'you're not supportive of my activities, you're too clingy, etc.' when they've gone through and are going through, a hard time?

'Duty is the rent you pay on life.'

Gothica · 04/03/2011 19:32

I do see both sides to this but, if it were me, I'd have no problem with him going. He's only back for a short time but I wouldn't wamt him just to spend all of it with us.

He has a life to come home to which includes more than you and you might wind up making him feel resentful.

He's not been away on holiday, he's been working and this would probably be a good thing for him.

That's just me though

Trillian · 04/03/2011 19:36

Thing is if he has been working hard he will see it as a break

MooMooFarm · 04/03/2011 21:21

How am I hiding? Hellooooo! I'm here!

fatlazymummy · 04/03/2011 22:10

I agree with expat and malificence here. Perhaps it's because I'm older but I don't see why people with husbands/wives and children believe they are entitled to go away on stag/hen weekends. Surely their prime responsibility is to their partners and their children, not themselves and their mates.I really don't get it.
OP you're not being unreasonable at all.

scottishmummy · 06/03/2011 12:16

some social time away from dc and dp isnt entitlement,is a desire to see other adult pals who happen not to be dc or dp. i regularly take time to see people and not include dc or dp.this is part of my social milieu and keeps me happy.i have a balance of work,friends,and activities outwith family.just because i am a parent doesnt mean i have to have spaghetti hoops and soft play as my social time.

im off on a hen weekend soon.a weekend away and i cant wait to be shot of them frankly.some adult me me me time with good friends and colleagues

i think people who never have any time without dp and/or their dc are missing out and lacking a balance

givemesomespace · 06/03/2011 13:24

fatlazymummy Why on earth shouldn't people with husbands/wives and children be entitled to go on stag/hen weekends? Life is about balance. My wife has spent 6 years doing nothing but selflessly raising 4 children.
Why on earth shouldn't she have some balance and have some time to unwind. That doesn't mean her primary responsibilities aren't her family and children.
Like most balanced people, she has very good friends away from her immediate family who she loves spending time with.

I'm happy to say DW is going on a hen weekend from next Friday afternoon to late Sunday evening. Guess what, she'll have a great time and will completely unwind and I'm looking forward to looking after the little ones.

Balanced people tend to live their lives in more than one dimension and are comfortable in their partners doing so. Subjegated wives and husbands tend to find themselves unable to get away for a break when they want to because they're told their primary responsibility is to their partner/family.

scottishmummy hope you have a great time. My DW is off to Edinburgh :)

fatlazymummy · 06/03/2011 13:31

givemesomespace I didn't say she wasn't allowed. I said I didn't understand why. It clearly is causing problems for the OP therefore IMO her husband should consider her needs rather than spending time on a stag weekend. That isn't subjugation, it's placing the family first.

scottishmummy · 06/03/2011 13:31

thanks,edinburgh beautiful city hope your wife enjoy!

it is shocking to suggest if one has children that the home and dc/dp become only source of enjoyment and anything external to dp and dc is wanton gallivanting

this martyr mummy you made your bed lie in it is bot old school

is possible to be a parent with life and interests outwith the home.in fact it maintains a balance. im not solely mum and dont want to only be defined as such

givemesomespace · 06/03/2011 13:42

fatlazymummy - we agree. OP's H should consider her needs. There's no question about that :)
Clearly the word "entitled" got my heckles up. Just off to make a nice mug of camomile tea and calm myself down......

eltompo · 06/03/2011 14:04

as a forces wife, I wouldn't have a problem with dh going away for a weekend after his deployment - purely because after being on my own for 6 months or however long it's been, he would be doing my head in after being home for 2 solid weeks

let him decide for himself,you cannot tell him if he can or can't go. He sounds like a decent chap; it doesn't sound like it'll be a wild weekend of debauchery; he's just as entitled as the next person to send time with his friends

totally agree with everything scottishmummy and givemesomespace

muminthemiddle · 06/03/2011 14:09

YANBU to feel the way you do, but your oh is NBU to want to go either!

On balance I would suck it up as you say. People are free agents and do not require permission to have a weekwnd away as hard as it is for you.
One day you will be the one wanting to have a girl's weekend away, although it may not be for a long time,then how would you feel if you oh denied you the right to go?
can you plan a nice family day out somewhere for when he is back?

expatinscotland · 06/03/2011 14:10

'My wife has spent 6 years doing nothing but selflessly raising 4 children.'

That's the thing, though.

When you have two very young children like this, your work away and your spouse is trying to get a PhD done, sometimes, your 'balance' needs to be skewed a bit in favour of your young family for a while.

A night out? Sure. An afternoon away, that sort of thing. Why not?

But two very young children, not sure when you're getting back, not going to be for long, spouse ideally needs to submit before the professor retires in August . . .

When you chose to get married and whilst your children are really young, your 'balance' needs to be counterweighted against those peoples', too.

lilsmate · 07/03/2011 06:43

Its odd how some people see balance as being the same as submissive.

Original poster

FrozenNorthPole · 07/03/2011 13:03

I directed him to this thread last night and then we chatted it through. I think he got a bit waylaid by some of the stronger statements about his character, but other than that I think he was receptive to my point of view. Not receptive enough to actually change arrangements, of course, but I couldn't really have expected it. I brought up the idea of 'brownie points' but he was not particularly pleased, saying that I was welcome to keep a tally of things if I wanted but that he would not.

He also said I was welcome to go out whenever I fancied. I pointed out that he has never had the children on his own for more than half a day. He said that it would be just as easy doing it over several days, I disagreed. The conversation deteriorated somewhat. Bottom line is, I don't feel confident to go out for more than a couple of hours sans children because when I have done so (last time was in June 2009, to visit my grandparents) I have come back to chaos and stress. I accept it's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I never give him the chance to master having them on his own.

Am just fed up. Knackered, sleep deprived, I've caught yet another virus from the children ... bloody self-pity. DH feels so very far removed, both physically and figuratively, from the reality of my life.

I ended the phone call saying sorry. I don't remember what I was apologising for but it always ends that way. I don't mean that he forces me into a corner to apologise, more that as I say things he doesn't like I feel myself apologising for them as I go. So I apologised for feeling as I do. I think it's the best I can offer.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/03/2011 13:34

'I think he got a bit waylaid by some of the stronger statements about his character, '

Good, because after reading your last post, I think he's an even bigger tosser than I originally thought with the EQ and empathy skills of a gerbil.

Bringonthegoat · 07/03/2011 13:41

If you want a break you MUST take one - he says he will have the DC so let him. If you end up separating (through sleep deprivation induced rows or some such) he will have them on his own anyway. Better deal with it together and get a break than to plug away and lose your sanity!

expatinscotland · 07/03/2011 13:44

I agree with Bringon, I'd leave him with the kids for an entire weekend, since he thinks it's so easy.

Malificence · 07/03/2011 13:45

at "empathy skills of a gerbil" , yep, that's the vibe I'm getting about him too.

Bringonthegoat · 07/03/2011 13:46

Forgot to say - STOP apologising. You should never apologise for how you feel.

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