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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... not to want DH to go on this stag weekend?

129 replies

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:04

It's taken some courage to post here so please don't be too harsh.

The question is: would you be happy / unhappy for your other half to go away to an overseas stag weekend (2 nights, 3 days) in these circumstances?

Background: DH is currently away with the army. We have 2 young children: 2.5 and 1 year. We have no family nearby to help. He should be back at some point after 7th May, though we don't know when and won't for a long time. He's booked to go on an overseas stag weekend a couple of weeks after he's back. He's not particularly close to the guy who's getting married, but some of his close friends are going.

My perspective: if I'd been away from my spouse and children for several months, I wouldn't want to go away just a few days after coming back. I feel sad that it's going to be yet another weekend on our own. I also feel a bit pissed off that I won't get any chance to work that weekend (I'm desperately trying to finish my PhD before my supervisor retires, which is in August).

His perspective: he'll have had a long and tiring trip abroad. He's a doctor so hasn't been on the front line. He's been doing probably 80% GP stuff and 20% trauma medicine. But he hasn't seen his friends for ages.

In my position, how would you feel? AIBU to feel resentful of this planned trip - should I just suck it up, or would you feel the same?

Thanks for any input.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:41

Come back energised from being drunk off your arse for days on end. Nope, I don't see that happening.

I'm glad I'm married to someone who'd never consider such a stupid way to waste time.

ivykaty44 · 03/03/2011 20:42

I just wish stags night was just that - one night. Why do brides and grooms have to make a while week or weekend of there stag or hen do.

This then causes problems with family people as there is resentment.

Yabnt bu as I can see both sides

Any chance he could go for just one day rather than three?

Malificence · 03/03/2011 20:42

YANBU, when my DH was in the RAF, undomesticated equines couldn't have dragged him away from me and DD when he had been away, his family should be his priority, not his friends.

But then I also think that stag and hen weekends are pathetic and ridiculous, completely pointless.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:44

I agree, Mal.

maighdlin · 03/03/2011 20:44

I think you are being unreasonable. He's away working, he needs to blow off some steam like anyone else. If he takes a few days with his mates it will probably do him the world of good. Everyone needs a break every now and then,I can't imagine his work being anything but tough, and if he sees his mates then he can spend all the rest of his time home with you and the DCs.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:45

'I just wish stags night was just that - one night. Why do brides and grooms have to make a while week or weekend of there stag or hen do.'

Because they're self-centred, immature twats.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 20:46

"A few days with his mates will do him good" Hmm
How old is he, fifteen ?
God I'm glad I don't know any idiot men like this.

Honeybee79 · 03/03/2011 20:49

Erm, expat, sorry have I misunderstood the nature of the stag do?!

I don't agree with spending a fortune on stag trips overseas (or hen dos for that matter) but if the op and her DH can afford it and he's not going to be doing anything that would be inappropriate then I don't see the problem. He wants to go and it's something that would make him happy and let him catch up with friends.

BlueCollie · 03/03/2011 20:49

I am another forces wife and I would be very hurt if my DH wanted to go away so soon after coming back. Plus I would also want the break from looking after the kids on my own for all that time. However, I have also been away for a long time and I'm A and E nurse so saw trauma a lot so I can see it from his point of view. I am assuming he has spent a lot of time caring and dealing with a lot of death and life threatening conditions. This is hard and can make you feel like you need to get away and just party and to not have to care about anyone. He will of course want to be with you but there is also an element of him needing/wanting to care for you and your children. I think you should tell him to go and let off steam and basically have some stress free fun. You will find this will be better for you in the end as he will less stressed when he comes back and more relaxed. Give him chance to mention things to his mates that he may not feel he can mention to you.
I'd arrange to go away for the weekend yourself and make him pay Grin

BringOnTheGoat · 03/03/2011 20:49

Or they enjoy doing things with their friends and see it as a good excuse?! Hmm

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:51

'Erm, expat, sorry have I misunderstood the nature of the stag do?!'

Tons of drinking and strippers are usually the nature of them, particularly abroad.

He's an adult and if he wants to go, no one can stop him, but I find it pathetic that someone who works away from the family would rather go on a piss up for days and days with mates than max out time with family, especially when his wife is also working on a doctorate.

Seems rather immature and stupid to me.

Original poster
FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:52

I think his key reason for going is to see his friends rather than the drinking per se. He's one of those people who matches every couple of pints of beer with one of water i.e. reasonably sensible. We've moved quite a long way from his mates due to my job, so I totally understand why he wants to see them. But I do feel that the stag night is going to be hideously expensive for what it is (the guy getting married is an utter arse, but earns well over 120k per year) and I would not, personally, go on such a jaunt. Mainly for cost reasons (I earn a lot less than DH, so couldn't justify the spend of money which is not mine) but also because I'd miss the children and get most joy out of just being as a family.

When he's here it's either me or him working long hours and it can feel a bit like ships that pass in the night. I don't think he'll get any post-tour leave: he isn't attached to a particular unit out there, rather they needed a doctor so took him from his home unit. His home unit will probably be itching to have him back after a stream of locums, so will book out clinics from the second he's back in the country.

OP posts:
clams · 03/03/2011 20:52

My DH and all his close mates did overseas stag dos. One year he went to 4; total cost = approx 4k. I don't think I'm U but I put a stop to it after that. I'm with expat on this and I don't think you're at all unreasonable.

You've been doing a phd and looking after children single-handedly whilst your dh was away. Where is your opportunity to let off steam for 3 days on foreign shores whilst staring at dancing nudey men?

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:53

Pretty sad that so many people think being away from their family to go on a piss up with mates and act like a twat is a great way to 'blow off steam'.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:55

You both work long hours. You'd rather use the money for something else.

Sounds reasonable for him not to go, IMO.

I wouldn't myself, because for me my family is more important than my mates.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 20:56

Yes, the first thing my DH wanted to do after coming home from war was to go and party. Hmm
He had already missed 6 months of our DD's first year, he didn't want to miss another second if he could help it.

Can't be very nice to think that you and your children play second fiddle to his friends.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 03/03/2011 20:58

I must have missed the bit where the OP said he was getting off his face and ogling prostitutes Hmm
He's a doctor, so on a good salary, she's already said he doesn't 'do' strip clubs.
My DH went on a 2 night stag do to a city on the continent. They went on city cycle tours, visited museums, enjoyed fine foods, and came home refreshed. Not all stags are stereotyped louts.

winnybella · 03/03/2011 20:58

And yes, what expat and Mal say, as well.

Honeybee79 · 03/03/2011 21:00

Obviously I don't know the full story, but I thought the OP's husband wanted to catch up with friends and have a break as opposed to get pissed and visit strip clubs. I wouldn't be that happy about it but I would let my DH go on the basis that we both need time out. I would, however, ask that he give me a proper break on his return to get some work done and that he concentrate on spending time with family afterwards.

Protracted and expensive stag dos are a waste of money in my view but if it means a lot to the person involved then I'd consider it.

Queenofchaos · 03/03/2011 21:01

expat How do you know he is going to "act like a twat"? It is perfectly possible to go on a stag/hen do and behave like a normal person.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 21:03

Anyone who would go off and leave his wife, 2 year old and 1 year old shortly after coming home from being "in theatre" for any length of time, to go off on a jolly, is by definition a "twat".

vicbar · 03/03/2011 21:08

YANBU but I can see both sides. My DH doesnt work away but does shifts and so feel like passing ships sometimes and with 4 DC under 6 I feel like I take the major responsibility for the kids. However even he suprised me when the last of his good mates planned his stage doo abroad the weekend nearest me 30th DH has turned it down Shock. Although I did plan a suprise 30th for him even though DC2 was due on his bday but decided to arrive 3 weeks early and keep being readmitted. Ive sucked it up plenty of times when it seems he thinks of himself before the family so feel I deserve one time he can plan for me.

BringOnTheGoat · 03/03/2011 21:09

It's 2 nights!

IHateLivingHere · 03/03/2011 21:10

Another Forces wife here. I am definitely with Expat and Mal on this one. If my DH had come home from Iraq and then two weeks later gone off on an overseas stag do, he'd have come back to an empty house!! Hmm

diddl · 03/03/2011 21:12

I get that he wants to catch up with his friends, but I think I´d be pissed off at a weekend stag do for a guy he´s not particularly friends with.

Rather him not go to that & catch up with with his mates some othertime-& pref. not for three days!

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