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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to invite a work frenemy to my wedding

87 replies

scuddingclouds · 03/03/2011 16:10

Trivial but vexing issue alert :

I am getting married later this summer and having a smallish wedding, max 45 people, all close friends and family. I work in a place where people are very over-interested in their colleagues' private lives which, before we were engaged, manifested itself in lots of very intrusive questions about when we were getting married. As a result I started spending as little time as possible with my work colleagues. People tend to socialise with each other a fair bit so I think this has been perceived as a bit 'off'. They also go to each other's weddings, on holiday etc. etc.

I have one genuine very good friend at work who I do want to invite. However, I work closely with another woman who I have to pretend to like but secretly absolutely cannot stand. She has assumed that she and her husband are invited to my wedding. She, my other friend and I do socialise together a bit so it is awkward and I feel that I can't just not invite her without an explanation, particularly as I have already told her to save the date in a moment of stupidity/generosity.

The reason for my dislike of this woman is partly jealousy , partly irritation at how patronising she can be ( she is roughly the same age but loves to rub in my face how much 'further along' in life she is with her children and her big house etc. etc.) and partly the knowledge that she wants to come to my wedding out of pure curiousity and sense of social entitlement, not because she genuinely likes me or my partner. She is intensely competitive and I get the feeling she would grind me into the ground professionally if she ever got the chance. Our relationship is entirely superficial but she doesn't seem to realise that I realise this and I don't think of her as a close friend.

Bear in mind I have never expressed one single iota of this dislike to her. If I don't invite her she will know and our working relationship will become more difficult. Also I'm aware this isn't particularly mature of me and lots of other people (at work) like her so I will be seen as the baddie if I freeze her out. I'm not sure I really care as I'm tired of pretending to like her. And actually I do like her husband, but not enough to cancel her awfulness out.

I just really don't want her there. She would be the only 'duty' invite as there aren't that many people coming anyway. How do I get out of this ?

OP posts:
Weegle · 03/03/2011 16:13

erm, you don't sound very nice...

Callisto · 03/03/2011 16:14

Sorry, but I just don't get the frenemy thing. Either you like someone and class them as a friend with all that entails, or you don't like them and you don't do stuff with them. Personally, I wouldn't socialise with a person I don't like and I certainly wouldn't invite them to my wedding.

Callisto · 03/03/2011 16:15

What Weegle said too.

TallulahDoesTheHula · 03/03/2011 16:16

I think if you've told her she will be invited and asked her to 'save the date' then you cant get out of it without a massive fall out tbh
I'd invite her

BlackBag · 03/03/2011 16:17

Small wedding, express annoyance at how DH has insisted remote relatives be invited, ask about her wedding problems- sieze upon any that mention guest list difficulties. Add it all up, let it fester for a few weeks, job done, she won't assume the invite is coming. Last minute space/cancelation for the other work collegue?

In return don't bring bridal mags to work, spend each lunchtime trying on dresses, googling flower arrangements etc. Keep work/wedding very separate.

Ask yourself who you'd want to see in the wedding pics 10 years down the line.

stream · 03/03/2011 16:17

Can't you have some kind of (pretend) crisis where you have to cut the invited people right back? So you won't be able to invite her.

Always supposing your real friend at work will keep schtium. Hmm

LessNarkyPuffin · 03/03/2011 16:17

Why Weegle?

Could you invite her to the evening thing only (if you're having one)?

Original poster
scuddingclouds · 03/03/2011 16:18

Weegle and Callisto - I am actually very nice, but you can both piss off.

OP posts:
stream · 03/03/2011 16:18

Or schtum, even.

Ballarat · 03/03/2011 16:19

Well, I actually think YABU! And a little precious.
If you really dislike her then why on earth have you asked her to 'save the day'? When you do this you are actually inviting them to your wedding, albeit early.

I think you're jealous of her and thus don't want her at your wedding (which is fair enough). However, you have already invited her even though you haven't given her a written invitation yet so I don't think you can say no now.

If you don't like her why do you socialise with her? Everyone else seems to like her, so maybe you should just not join them or arrange separate evenings out with your other 'friend'.

southmum · 03/03/2011 16:25

If you hadnt already told her to save the day then YANBU but you've already dug yourself a hole there Im afraid.

houseworkwhore · 03/03/2011 16:25

god i hate the false people at work, she probably knows that you dont like her and is now making you suffer for it by expecting to come to your wedding
I agree with the false drama..

or just say your DP wants only family there?

Gleekfreak · 03/03/2011 16:28

Actually scudding, your behaviour to this woman, in pretending to like her, going out socially, verbally inviting her etc isn't very nice. And telling people on here to piss off confirms it - you're not being nice :(

Hullygully · 03/03/2011 16:28

you really will have to invite her, you know

Shirleywhirly · 03/03/2011 16:29

If you dislike her, why on earth do you choose to socialise with her, asked her to save the date and are generally giving her the impression you are great chums?

YABU and a little bit weird.

Callisto · 03/03/2011 16:29

Yes, you sound lovely. You're the frenemy. You hate this woman, you're jealous of her and you're bitching about her because YOU invited her to your wedding and now she is assuming she is invited.

Thank goodness I don't know anyone like you.

FanellaFudge · 03/03/2011 16:29

You've asked her to save the date, YABU if you now don't invite her.

thingumybob · 03/03/2011 16:34

Er, of course she's assuming she's invited if you told her to save the date Confused, why wouldn't she?!

Bogeyface · 03/03/2011 16:35

If you dont want to invite her then dont, cite space issues with your venue and your mum inviting rellies without asking. But doing that means that you cant invite the other work person either.

Its both or neither in this situation.

And to those who say she isnt being very nice, well no. I am no keen on "pretend" friends either, but hands up anyone who hasnt pretended to get on with someone, socialised with them etc to keep the peace? I have to do it on a regular basis with someone I absolutely cannot stand because she is the partner of a good friend of DH. I could be honest and not speak to her but that would make life very difficult for all involved so its far easier to be pretend friends when I have to. Presumably if the OP were honest about her feelings with this woman then it would make work very difficult, so in her position I would probably be the same!

BlackBag · 03/03/2011 16:36

I've worked happily with lots of people I can't stand that's part of why you get paid. Turn up to work, put on a smile, ask about their cat, occasionally go for a drink.

I don't think it's that weird. And I can hear myself saying, ohh yes it's on blah, blah, blah, save the day!!! before buring my head in that months credit control reports, muttering what have I done, what have I done.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 16:37

it'sa small wedding. Tell her that there's no room. make up an excuse about relatives who must be invited if you want.

Ultimately,in 20 years time when looking through your wedding photos, do you want her in them?

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:40

Why doesn't she sound very nice?You're allowed to not like people!
It's a difficult one, but ultimately it is YOUR day and it is likely to be spoiled by her presence. Can see how it happens, sometimes you feel forced into saying something you don't mean, like save the date, then regret it.
It's your wedding. You don't want her there. Second what the others said about inventing a crisis about numbers and having to cut the guest list. If she does come you'll dread it and you'll feel pissed off when you look back on the day.
Ignore judgemental posts and do what YOU want and what will make you happy on this occasion, it is YOUR day!

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:40

ps my first comment was aimed at Weegie, etc, not you OP.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 03/03/2011 16:40

You told her to save the date do either invite her or don't but it wi be an issue, but it is of your doing so suck it up and crack on.

brownie22 · 03/03/2011 16:41

I was in exactly this situation, actually. I dithered for ages and ended up inviting her, and then at the last minute she didn't come.

I think the only way to go is to make something up about limited numbers and long lost Aunty wanting to come or something.