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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to invite a work frenemy to my wedding

87 replies

scuddingclouds · 03/03/2011 16:10

Trivial but vexing issue alert :

I am getting married later this summer and having a smallish wedding, max 45 people, all close friends and family. I work in a place where people are very over-interested in their colleagues' private lives which, before we were engaged, manifested itself in lots of very intrusive questions about when we were getting married. As a result I started spending as little time as possible with my work colleagues. People tend to socialise with each other a fair bit so I think this has been perceived as a bit 'off'. They also go to each other's weddings, on holiday etc. etc.

I have one genuine very good friend at work who I do want to invite. However, I work closely with another woman who I have to pretend to like but secretly absolutely cannot stand. She has assumed that she and her husband are invited to my wedding. She, my other friend and I do socialise together a bit so it is awkward and I feel that I can't just not invite her without an explanation, particularly as I have already told her to save the date in a moment of stupidity/generosity.

The reason for my dislike of this woman is partly jealousy , partly irritation at how patronising she can be ( she is roughly the same age but loves to rub in my face how much 'further along' in life she is with her children and her big house etc. etc.) and partly the knowledge that she wants to come to my wedding out of pure curiousity and sense of social entitlement, not because she genuinely likes me or my partner. She is intensely competitive and I get the feeling she would grind me into the ground professionally if she ever got the chance. Our relationship is entirely superficial but she doesn't seem to realise that I realise this and I don't think of her as a close friend.

Bear in mind I have never expressed one single iota of this dislike to her. If I don't invite her she will know and our working relationship will become more difficult. Also I'm aware this isn't particularly mature of me and lots of other people (at work) like her so I will be seen as the baddie if I freeze her out. I'm not sure I really care as I'm tired of pretending to like her. And actually I do like her husband, but not enough to cancel her awfulness out.

I just really don't want her there. She would be the only 'duty' invite as there aren't that many people coming anyway. How do I get out of this ?

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 03/03/2011 16:42

Tell her asap that she won't be getting an invite.

A not particularly close friend told me 12 months before her wedding for all of us to keep the date free, and when the invite came it was just for DH and I to the evening do. No kids. Her choice, no problem, but I'd not booked a skiing holiday to make sure that we would all be around, and was a bit pissed off.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/03/2011 16:43

Well, how is she assuming if you told her to save the date?

Save the date is an invite, is it not?

LionRock · 03/03/2011 16:44

Re: the frenemies thing. I've seen it everywhere I've worked. Thankfully due to the type of work I do I tend to work independently and don't have to get involved with that teamie/small dept/we-all-go-to-lunch-on-a-Friday stuff. Just because someone acts like a friend in the workplace and you do the same to be civil or to make your work life easier does not make you a bad person.

I'd invite the real friend and not the frenemy. I'd also keep any excuse short - the more info you give the more they can pick holes in it Bit of a catch 22 but a real friend would understand anyway and would try to make you feel ok about them not being invited.

MrSpoc · 03/03/2011 16:44

Op honestly, you dont come across very well.

How do you know she pretends to be firends? You are just jelous and have issues of her success. If you do not want her there tell her and I bet you dont have the balls to tell her why.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 03/03/2011 16:45

Tough one....I would be inclined to say its your wedding, dont invite her if you dont want her there but you've made it worse by asking her to save the date......

Yep, you need a crisis - if you really cant stand her dont invite her but think of a good excuse!

BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 16:46

Yes- either you invite her or you don't invite the other one either and state family reasons/expense.

VajazzHands · 03/03/2011 16:47

save the date basically is the same as inviting her. You have to now. suck it up.

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:47

MrSpoc, you seem a little naive, it doesn't work like that - you can't just tell someone you work with you don't want them at your wedding without repercussions.

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:48

and I repeat, you do NOT have to invite her. It's your wedding. No 'sucking up' about it.

Pancakeflipper · 03/03/2011 16:49

Inform her due to numbers/ the fact you cannot stand her ( delete as apt) that you are "sorry" that you invite her to the wedding but you'll honour for a meal after the wedding and bore her/ be smug with your wedding photos.

MrSpoc · 03/03/2011 16:50

Why? ohIamshafted, the op is clearly the Frenemy and should suck it up and be honest. She cant get sacked for it. The only repercussions will be "none friends" which is what she wants anyway.

iscream · 03/03/2011 16:52

You told her to save the date. There is no graceful way to not have her now.

BarbaraBar · 03/03/2011 16:52

Having told her to "save the date" you have to tell her that she isn't now invited rather than just not mention it and hope she forgets.

I would go down the long lost auntie/friend back from Australia type thing.

ZombiePlan · 03/03/2011 17:01

Why not just do an evening only invite? She might not bother coming if she isn't invited to the whole thing... problem solved. And she won't be on any group photos if she's just an evening guest.

Trillian · 03/03/2011 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

BuzzLiteBeer · 03/03/2011 17:04

If you told her to save the date you haev already invited her. If you don't have her there yopu will look like a total cow to everyione in work. Which if you are this nice all the time will not be a surprise to anyone.

ZombiePlan · 03/03/2011 17:05

TBH I can kind of understand the whole getting carried away and inviting someone on the spot and then later wishing that you hadn't. But now that you've told her to save the date, you do need to deal with it one way or the other.

bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 17:07

"Weegle and Callisto - I am actually very nice, but you can both piss off."

QED.

Of course you're allowed to not like people, but pretending to like them is a bit weird...

Bogeyface · 03/03/2011 17:16

I hope it pisses down all day on your wedding

You were doing really well keeping the moral high ground until that comment Trill!

babyapplejack · 03/03/2011 17:17

Think that you have to invite her because you told her to save the day.

Trillian: MIL says that it is good luck if it rains on your wedding day

Weegle · 03/03/2011 17:29

PMSL @ Trillian

Now not being nice:

pretending to like someone to the extent they consider themselves a friend
being jealous of someone at what I assume is a reasonable age, and not that from the playground
telling someone to save the date and then implying they are unreasonable for assuming they are invited
being scathing of colleagues who do actually genuinely like each other and so choose to socialise and go on holiday together

oh and 5.
telling a few people to piss off because you don't like what they say

odd, very very odd

bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 17:33

The flip side of the coin is that this "frenemy" (what sort of a GD word is that?) knows that you don't really like her and wants to use your wedding as a gratis piss-up at your expense?

BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 17:36

at Trillian!

Oh, you aren't the usual Trillian, are you? I thought that TrillianAstra wouldn't say that.

frazzle26 · 03/03/2011 17:37

I think your post is hillarious OP (I'm not taking the mickey by the way OP). It's just it's the sort of pickle that I find myself in all the time. If I were you, I would just not give her an invite and act normal around her. When/If she asks just blame it on your DP and say that he has banned all work colleagues, his included and it's just family and close friends only. Failing that, you could just be honest and say tell her the truth. Think I know what I'd do though lol!! Good luck and have a great day xx

GiddyPickle · 03/03/2011 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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