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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to invite a work frenemy to my wedding

87 replies

scuddingclouds · 03/03/2011 16:10

Trivial but vexing issue alert :

I am getting married later this summer and having a smallish wedding, max 45 people, all close friends and family. I work in a place where people are very over-interested in their colleagues' private lives which, before we were engaged, manifested itself in lots of very intrusive questions about when we were getting married. As a result I started spending as little time as possible with my work colleagues. People tend to socialise with each other a fair bit so I think this has been perceived as a bit 'off'. They also go to each other's weddings, on holiday etc. etc.

I have one genuine very good friend at work who I do want to invite. However, I work closely with another woman who I have to pretend to like but secretly absolutely cannot stand. She has assumed that she and her husband are invited to my wedding. She, my other friend and I do socialise together a bit so it is awkward and I feel that I can't just not invite her without an explanation, particularly as I have already told her to save the date in a moment of stupidity/generosity.

The reason for my dislike of this woman is partly jealousy , partly irritation at how patronising she can be ( she is roughly the same age but loves to rub in my face how much 'further along' in life she is with her children and her big house etc. etc.) and partly the knowledge that she wants to come to my wedding out of pure curiousity and sense of social entitlement, not because she genuinely likes me or my partner. She is intensely competitive and I get the feeling she would grind me into the ground professionally if she ever got the chance. Our relationship is entirely superficial but she doesn't seem to realise that I realise this and I don't think of her as a close friend.

Bear in mind I have never expressed one single iota of this dislike to her. If I don't invite her she will know and our working relationship will become more difficult. Also I'm aware this isn't particularly mature of me and lots of other people (at work) like her so I will be seen as the baddie if I freeze her out. I'm not sure I really care as I'm tired of pretending to like her. And actually I do like her husband, but not enough to cancel her awfulness out.

I just really don't want her there. She would be the only 'duty' invite as there aren't that many people coming anyway. How do I get out of this ?

OP posts:
happyscouse · 03/03/2011 17:40

I work in an office and have done for 26 years. The staff are mainly female and over the years there have been lots of comings and goings. Obviously there are some people you will like more than others but I can honestly say that my friendships with work colleagues have been invaluble.You say your colleagues are "over interested" in your private life, I find this comment strange, as in my workplace its the fact that we all do take this interest in each other,that ability to laugh with cry with bitch with!that gets us through the day..bit like mumsnet.

MarshaBrady · 03/03/2011 17:40

Ha you already did the save the date thing. Sorry but you will have to invite her now.

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2011 17:40

Ah, it's my own personal Frenemy :)

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2011 17:41

(haven't read thread, not sure if I agree or not yet)

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/03/2011 17:44

Agree, save the date is to all intents and purposes and invitation. If you don't invite her then it's going to bite you on the arse spectacularly. Up to you which is worse.

Trillian · 03/03/2011 17:45

No I am the Trillian that has been here 8 yaers Grin

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/03/2011 17:46

an invitation. Why can't I type 'an' without it becoming 'and'? Confused

BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 17:47

You don't usually post under that name though, do you, Trillian?

Queenofchaos · 03/03/2011 17:52

You have to decide what would be worse........ Having her at your wedding and in your wedding photos or the repercussions at work of effectively uninviting her.

Tolalola · 03/03/2011 17:53

You would be unreasonable and extremely rude not to invite her if you've told her to save the date. You've effectively invited her already.

If you uninvite her she will be offended, and it's not surprising.

bamboostalks · 03/03/2011 17:53

I admire people who admit to having flaws, like jealousy etc. Your dilemma is real and you have been honest. No solutions but you sound perfectly ordinary and nice to me. People always take the high moral ground on here. It is not aleays that way in rl.

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2011 18:01

If you've done 'save the date' you have to invite her to at least a part of the wedding, otherwise it's an outright snub.

I'd rather not highjack the thread, but when I joined the name trillian had been used on only one single thread, over three years previously. It was then not used at all for another 7 months, during which I posted a lot. The pattern of me posting a lot, continuously, under this name, and the trillian name posting only very occassionally has continued. So you can see why I think it a little strange that someone would want to use a name under which other posters would have various preconceptions about who you are, what you know, who you are "friends" with and what opinions you have expressed before, all of which are wrong.

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 19:42

In the mean time I hope it pisses down all day on your wedding.

Yuck, Trillian, you sound utterly vile!

I repeat, OP, your wedding is one occasion where I think you can be a bit selfish, if you don't want her to come, she doesn't come. Lie. Uninvite her. You only get one wedding day (hopefully) so don't let her ruin it.

Agree - lots of judgemental people taking the moral high ground and either just deliberately being bitches or lacking the emotional intelligence to empathise with what is a very understandable situation which you have been extremely honest about.

flumpmouse · 03/03/2011 19:45

Photoshop can edit her out of the wedding photos if need be. Make sure she stands at the end of the group shot!
An evening invite would do the job nicely. Make sure there are some evening snacks etc to portion off that part of the day, a choc fountain maybe?
Sell the evening portion of the day as the fun fun fun bit! This may help to avoid any bad feeling from your frenemy.
We cant love everyone we meet in life - thats impossible. At work of course we have to do our best.

Original poster
scuddingclouds · 03/03/2011 19:48

Just wanted to thank those who left constructive messages. I can easily see why I don't come across well in my post but this isn't a personal PR exercise. Anyway, thanks to those of you who can be tolerant of a bit of human failing ! As for it pissing down on my wedding day, well I'm not too bothered as it will all be inside Smile

Incidentally, not that it really matters, the assumption that she would be invited was made clear to me before I told her to save the date.

OP posts:
flumpmouse · 03/03/2011 19:52

They say rain it lucky on a wedding day!
Also a big white brolly looks great in the arrival photos!

TrillianAntra · 03/03/2011 19:55

I've been here 40 years so put that in your pipe and smoke it

prettyfly1 · 03/03/2011 19:56

OP the fact is you dont fit in in your office environment. They undoubtedly already know you keep yourself to yourself, dont indulge in chit chat, which is harmless and dont really like the people you work with so I doubt anyone would be surprised if you dont invite them to your wedding. Give them all a sob story about how the politics of arranging the day has driven you nuts, you have decided to just do you and immediate family then talk to your other work friend privately.

"nice" can be overrated.

pooka · 03/03/2011 20:07

To be fair though trillianastra, if she was already trillian, then she shouldn't have to change her name just because you're a more proific poster.

Melly19MummyToBe · 03/03/2011 20:11

Does she know where your wedding actually is?? If she doesnt, tell her its at a registry office that can only hold so many people and most of those people will be family, and the rest will be a couple of your really close friends and also your DPs really close friends. Then if she starts to look sulky/goes in a big sulk, say she can still come to the reception. You obviously won't have spend all of that with her, just a brief "Hello sooooo happy you could make it!" and later on "oh are you leaving already? Bye then!"

Sorted :o

Nagoo · 03/03/2011 20:17

there's only one way to sort this out... Fight! Grin

op: tell her limited numbers, invite her to the evening.

I actually liked your honesty... here anyway. it made me feel special Wink

WentworthMillerMad · 03/03/2011 21:29

Don't invite her.
Why the horrible comments? ?

God I can't stand this - she sounds a dreadful women. Do not invite her to your special day. It's hard to make a stance when you are in a forced 'friendship'. Life is too short to surround yourself with false friends. X x x x

TrillianAstra · 03/03/2011 21:50

Wrong of her to assume, but at that point you didn't have to go along with it.

Now you've done save the date you wouldn't just be not inciting her, you'd be UNinviting her.

I'm not asking other trillian to namechange. She already namechanges. Claims to have many names and to have been here the whole time on the 4 years that she didn't feel like using trillian. I am asking her to use those in preference to one where her comments will be attributed to me.

Trillian · 04/03/2011 19:30

I only use this name now, I name changed for personal reasons but this is the only name I have now, I do not see what the fuss is about as there are plenty of names here that are the similar.

I never made a fuss that there was more then one Trillian, and the last time I looked I did not know that you had to post a certain amount of times a day.

I think the OP telling people to piss off because they disagree with her was quite vile really

Trillian · 04/03/2011 19:31

Whoops sorry it has only been seven years Grin