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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get upset because husband says 'Actually you paid for it with my money' when I bought something for him

85 replies

peggy0062 · 01/03/2011 17:12

More than once when I go and buy a birthday or a father's day present he would say 'Actually you paid with my money'. It upsets me every time and yet he does not listen. It isn't as if I sit around all day! I have 3yo and 5yo and did not choose not to work. I just felt I need to moan.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 01/03/2011 17:13

It's not his money, It's your joint money.

SauvignonBlanche · 01/03/2011 17:14

YANBU and it is ridiculous that you have allowed this to continue, don't you have a joint account?

worraliberty · 01/03/2011 17:14

Then you should tell him you're charging him for childcare, meals, maid service etc. That way you can spend your own money on him Wink

freshmint · 01/03/2011 17:14

he sounds horrible
it is family money
next time tell him he isn't getting a present if he is being so crappy about it

EdgarAleNPie · 01/03/2011 17:15

your money (in common)

twat.

smallwhitecat · 01/03/2011 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flisspaps · 01/03/2011 17:15

Stop buying anything for him then, see what the he says Wink

Or do worraliberty says

freshmint · 01/03/2011 17:15

ooh GOOD one worraliberty

live in nanny £500 per week minimum. Plus about the same again in overtime. £1000 per week. How long have you been married?!

Flisspaps · 01/03/2011 17:16

*see what the miserable bugger says

expatinscotland · 01/03/2011 17:16

In such a case, I'd get a full-time job and then fuck him off, tbh.

usualsuspect · 01/03/2011 17:16

Tell him to buy his own presents then

harassedinherpants · 01/03/2011 17:16

That would irritate me too!

It's joint money, you're contributing to the family in free child care and cleaning whilst he's at work.

I earn more than my dh, and would never ever dream of making a comment on it. It all goes in the pot.

YANBU!

AMumInScotland · 01/03/2011 17:17

Tell him to adjust his attitude, or pay you an hourly rate for childcare since you are looking after his children all day. If it's his money, they're also his children. OTOH if they are your children jointly, then it is also your money jointly.

3littlefrogs · 01/03/2011 17:17

That is very hurtful. What would he say if you suggested going back to work and sharing the cost of childcare?

When Dh and I were organising our life insurance, (when dcs were very small and I was a SAHM)we worked out what help he would have to buy in if anything happened to me. By the time we looked at child care, cleaning, general house keeping, laundry, etc, it added up to over £70K a year.

NinkyNonker · 01/03/2011 17:17

Yanbu. Submit a monthly bill for 'services rendered', then you'll have your own cash. If he can afford it.

That is a really mean thing to say to someone you love who.has gone to effort for you.

How does he feel about you being at home?

peeriebear · 01/03/2011 17:18

My DH made ONE jokey comment like this once. My glacial eyeblasts made sure he never said anything like it again. He knows how much he'd have to do if I didn't do it.

MackerelOfFact · 01/03/2011 17:18

Oh that's just horrible. What if the DCs give him a picture they've drawn, does he turn to them and say 'well actually it's not your picture, I paid for the pencils and the paper'?

Plus of course you contribute to the family finances in less tangible but equally valuable ways.

Tit.

FamilyCircus · 01/03/2011 17:19

Don't buy him anything again. Tell him you've seen lots of things you knew he would like, but had no money to buy them. The DC can make him a Father's Day gift.

He's being an arse.

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 17:24

Tell him to buy his own presents then!

Do you think he might be making little digs trying to let you know that he would like you to go back to work? Maybe he thinks your spending too much? I agree he's not going about it in the best way but either he's just being an arse or he's trying to tell you something? Is he usually an arse?

I am a nosy bugger with all those questions lol

Geistesabwesenheit · 01/03/2011 17:26

How controlling is he normally with money? Does he let you have an allowance? I'm not being sarcastic when I write 'let you', as it sounds like he's got an unhealthy attitude towards money which belongs to both of you.

Missymorrison87 · 01/03/2011 17:27

I wouldn't bother buying him anything again if i were you to be honest. When he gets offended and asks why tell him you have no money!

I'm sure he will soon learn to stop being such a prick.

Missymorrison87 · 01/03/2011 17:32

In fact, if you fancy taking it to the extreme, dont spend ANY money at all for a week or so.

When the cupboards start going bare, the kids in old clothes and no cleaning gets done because you cant go out and buy cleaning products he might just realise he is an arse hole.

AnnyR · 01/03/2011 17:39

We had a really good way of working out money to avoid this situation. I saw my Mum treated like this when I was a kid. When DH and I first got married, we were both working, but we planned that one of us would probably stop work to bring up the kids. So from day 1 we had a joint account that both our salaries went into to pay the mortage and all joint things like food etc., plus a small "private" account each. We had a direct debit into these private accounts of exactly the same amount of money for each of us. It was not a lot, but enough for us to buy personal things with. That way, if he wanted to spend money on CD, booze etc., he could do what he wanted without it being my business and if I wanted to spend money on make-up,clothes, books then it was none of his!

When we had our first DS, I gave up work and didn't go back for 7 years. We carried on with our private accounts in the same way so that I always had my own money. Then my DH became disabled and things turned the other way - now I am the breadwinner. But we still carry on with the private money as well as the joint account.

It has worked very well throughout our 24 years together. If we are broke, then the monthly direct debit is lower, if we are earning more, then we raise the amount in the direct debit. We also decide just what is joint spending and what should come out of the private accounts and have agreed on this.

Worth a try?

Original poster
peggy0062 · 01/03/2011 17:39

He is very generous when it comes to money and I always have enough. It is his attitude that needs changing. Extrememly insenstive when he knows I do want to go back to work. But can't help 'correcting' the fact that originally the money came from his salary.

Being an arse summarise it all.
Oh I don't buy him presents anymore. He does get a homemade birthday cake and sometimes a handmade card. Couldn't make comments on that

OP posts:
NotSoPukeyMummy · 01/03/2011 18:37

We have the same system as AnnyR and I definitely recommend it.

I was determined not to be dependent on DH for money when I became a SAHM (not through choice).