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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get upset because husband says 'Actually you paid for it with my money' when I bought something for him

85 replies

peggy0062 · 01/03/2011 17:12

More than once when I go and buy a birthday or a father's day present he would say 'Actually you paid with my money'. It upsets me every time and yet he does not listen. It isn't as if I sit around all day! I have 3yo and 5yo and did not choose not to work. I just felt I need to moan.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 01/03/2011 18:41

Do you have your own bank accounts? It feels more like your own money if it is in your account, not a joint one. We have an account each and a joint one for bills.

bogle · 01/03/2011 18:49

We also do the same as AnnyR, and I honestly think that if funds allow it's the best system.

freewoman · 01/03/2011 18:55

In ye olden days women had an allowance (probably arising from the dowry but hey). Its a good idea to have
a certain amount every month that is absolutely ones own if the husband is on the verge of being controlling about money or resentful.

HerBeX · 01/03/2011 19:12

Who cleans the house?

Who looks after the children?

Who vacuums?

Who does the laundry?

Who does the gardening?

Who loads/ unloads the dishwasher and / or does the washing up?

Who wipes down the surfaces?

Who puts clothes away?

Who does the shopping?

Who runs errands like collecting the drycleaning, getting shoes repaired etc?

Who buys and writes christmas/ birthday / thank you/ other occasion cards?

Who cooks?

Who plans for the meals and makes sure the ingredients are there?

Who takes the kids to nursery/ park/ playdates etc.?

Etc. etc. etc.

A man who doesn't value these things, needs to be made aware of their value.

If he doesn't get down on his knees and beg your forgiveness for under-valuing and disrespecting the labour you are doing in servicing him and making his life easier by doing the shit-work in the house, then he doesn't respect you. And since respect is one of the building blocks of a healthy relationship, that would be a problem.

Seriously, take him through this bit by bit, when he is in a good mood and you are getting on, so that he listens to you and realises what a fucking entitled prick he has been.

zukiecat · 01/03/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeX · 01/03/2011 19:17

"the money came from his salary."

A salary he is only able to earn, because you are releasing him from his obligation to care for his children because you are doing it for him and that has damaged your salary.

He is indebted to you.

Hulababy · 01/03/2011 19:34

He sounds like he hasa dreadful attitude. Have you sat him down properly nd eally explained this all to him? I think he needs a reality check. It is family money, not his.

My DH earns an awful lot than me - I earn less than 10% of his salary. But all moneys are joint. Neither of u have seperate accounts and havve just never felt the need.

TBH it is his attitude that needs to change, rather than the system.

NotANaturalGeordie · 01/03/2011 19:38

Just stop buying for him, and explain that as you don't have your own money you can't Grin.

Xenia · 01/03/2011 20:34

Why not just go back to work and outearn him. It's much more fun.

PigValentine · 01/03/2011 20:39

Grin Xenia

I do earn more than DH (although neither of us are on megabucks!) but all our money is shared. I am "in charge" of the money through mutual decision because he is crap with it, and also he still has the same instant access account he's had for 20 years, which you can't have direct debits / debit card for. I would never dream of saying "my" money had paid for something, and it's a horrible attitude for your DH to have.

forehead · 01/03/2011 21:29

The simple answer is to go back to work. I truly believe that a lot of men don't believe that being a sahm is actually 'work'( despite those on MN who believe that their dh see them a being equal).
When you earn your own money, you do what the hell you want with it and don't have to answer to anyone.

HerBeX · 01/03/2011 21:31

With the job situation as it is at the moment, going back to work is anything but a simple answer.

But if you do OP, make sure he does half the housework, half the childcare and half the leaving work early to collect the kids from school/ nursery when they are ill, because your career is as important as his.

Otherwise, he'll pull the "I earn more than you therefore I am entitled to do less shit work than you and have more leisre than you" bullshit.

A1980 · 01/03/2011 22:10

That is so unkind of him Sad

As other have said is your joint money as a family, not his alone.

You're essentially working for free then as a mother, housekeeper, cook, etc. What a mean git.

TBH if he's going to be like that, next birthday or Christmas I would get him a card and write in it, I thought it would be best if you bought your own gift with "your money."

Rhinestone · 01/03/2011 22:56

He sounds like a cock to be honest. Why does he have such little respect for you?

Alarm bells ringing here, sorry. Does he put you down in other ways?

SonicMiddleAge · 02/03/2011 02:41

Does he actually want the presents though? My SL does this, buys herself luxuries, then gets him something "special". He doesn't want special things he wants a mortgage deposit, and the presents are really self gratification for her...

PenguinArmy · 02/03/2011 04:06

bastard

I am very careful not to make those kind of comments to DH, as I know his job is loads harder than mine.

cumbria81 · 02/03/2011 06:29

It's not a very nice thing to say but he did earn the money at the end of the day so I guess he's right strictly speaking

IAPJJLPJ · 02/03/2011 06:42

I agree with cumbia81 in that he DID earn the money HOWEVER he is being a complete arse.

Do you get the child allowance paid into your own account? if not then this should be as this would be your own.

Also agree with the other posters who say you should be given a wage paid to you for what you do.

I call it a wage as you do earn it - just like he earns his. Calling it an allowance makes it sound like a child

Georgimama · 02/03/2011 06:44

Your husband, for example, is a twat.

Your attitude needs shifting too. He is not "generous with money" - it is not his money. It is your joint money which the shared endeavours of the adults in the household generated.

And for that reason, cumbria, he is not "right strictly speaking".

MrsVidic · 02/03/2011 07:19

To be honest I think you may need to sit him down and chat to him about your role. Perhaps work out an allowance/ wage?
Is he worried about money?
Is he happy with your decision?
Is he saying it to control you?

I need my independence so I work part time which works for us (also I am not patient enough to be a sahm!) maybe he's saying this to get you to go back to work when the dc's are at school.

It's your joint choice and if your happy don't give in!

b1uebells · 02/03/2011 07:20

Yanbu. Agree you should start charging for all the work you do in the house!!

Youllskimmer · 02/03/2011 07:22

He'd be correct to say 'you paid with it with half my money half yours'

I'm in the Xenia camp, I'd never want to be financially reliant on someone or sacrifice my career. Go back to work and get him to change his hours so he does half the childcare.

ccpccp · 02/03/2011 09:31

The truth hurts but its his money as it is a reward for his efforts, not yours. If he chose to give you nothing, you'd get nothing right up till the divorce where a nice lawyer would get some of it for you.

This is the reality of the situation, all nice delusional 'I own half because I'm looking after the kids' arguments aside.

If you dont like being dependent on him, get a part time job like the legions of other mums who chose not to be SAHM. He can pay for the childcare, and you can buy him his gifts out of your income Wink

LindyHemming · 02/03/2011 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeX · 02/03/2011 17:54

What a fucking disrespectful thing it is to say that it is delusional for people to say that married assets belong to both people.

It is not delusional, it is the law. It is what marriage means. However, it is typical of people who don't respect the work women do because they don't respect women.

There's a lot of it about. Hmm