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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

B-day party: Should the rude and hissing little girl be invited or exculded from the rest of the class?

140 replies

TigerDad · 26/02/2011 19:07

Good day.
My wife and I need your opinion. Our daughter will be 8yrs old soon and we are planning a party, after skipping one last year. It will be at a well known London landmark, and we want it to go well and for our daughter and the other children to be happy.
We know that at my daughter's school all the classmates receive invitations to parties, and no one is excluded. This time however, my wife wants to exclude one girl in the class as she is a really irrating, rude, and insulting to our daughter, and to top it off, she hisses at her and my wife. The little girl in question is awful, and her parents are just as hideous.
My wife realizes that it is not generally acceptable to exclude a child, and she repeatedly reminds our daughter to just ignore the other little girl and to rise above it, but she feels that for our daughter's party she doesn't want the stress and negativity on the day. My wife is a bit fed up with always looking away from those that upset our daughter. I can see her point, but I feel if we don't invite the other little girl it will go around the (small) school and it will become 'an issue' and irrate the other parents at the school.
What do you recommend?
I think we should invite her, but just maybe ignore her! I have to say we hate all this pithy school stuff, but real life means you have to think about it.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you.

OP posts:

A1980 · 26/02/2011 20:34

You daughter can't possibly be good friends with her whole class especially at 8 years old. It just isn't possible.

Just invite her best friends and be done with it.

Original poster

TigerDad · 26/02/2011 20:34

Dear Ivestillgitit,
I absolutely agree- it would make it appear as though we were the antagionists, and that was why my wife and I thought writing to Mumsnet would be a good idea. I think we will decide to invite fewer children to avoid all of the difficulties. Thank you again for your story.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 20:38

I also agree that the little brats girls behaviour is bad than why should she be invited to parties where she can upset people and make what is to be a special day not so special. Its different if the child has SN, you allow for that, but if its not, and just down to poor parenting and a badly behaved child than I personally think its fine too not to invite the child. She has to learn, and mabey not being invited to a party where everyone else will be, will be a wake up for her. I personally would just do a smaller party as i hate whole class parties anyway.

TypoRiddled · 26/02/2011 20:38

I was never invited to parties, either.
Except one.... it used to puzzle the heck out of me why I got invited. The birthday girl loathed me. I now assume that it was a whole class party & the mother insisted that had to include even me.
I was so terrified of committing a social gaff that I barely dared move from my chair the whole time. I think at one point everybody else was playing a game outside and I still dared not go join in. I don't remember anything else, just being afraid to move from that chair... and eating.

Really I shouldn't have gone. Maybe there were dozens of other all-class parties over the years. I've no idea.

So the real puzzle is why did I bother to go?

mrz · 26/02/2011 20:43

Does your daughter want to invite everyone in the class to her party or does she want to invite only her friends?

BertieBasset · 26/02/2011 20:49

I want to know if any of the kids go to the unpopular girl's party!!

corns12k · 26/02/2011 20:52

It's really mean to leave one child out I think. She is 8 years old. Invite them all or invite her friends. Why does she hiss? Does she have SN?

IveStillGotIt · 26/02/2011 21:06

Well TigerDad, I'm glad your doing that instead of inviting everyone, bar her.
My DS is the same, not so much now (he's nearly eleven) but when he was 5-8, he was hardly ever invited to party's, the only full class party's he wasn't left out of were the DC'S who had nice 'can't leave anyone out, everyone deserves a chance' type parents, and when I went to collect him and asked if he had behaved himself (as I'm the first to admit, he is a handful!!!, thought he was heading towards an ASBO at one point!), the parents couldn't praise him enough, they would say he was the best behaved, well mannered, a pleasure to have e.t.c
So I'm glad you and your DW have decided to have a smaller party, as it's not nice to feel left out.

PepsiPopcorn · 26/02/2011 21:09

YABU. Very unfair to just leave out one child from the whole class. Either invite just a few or include everyone.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 26/02/2011 21:12

I think tigers dd should invite as many children as she wants to her party, my sis had her 40th last night, there were 200 people there, i'm sure she wasn't close friends with all of them but that's up to her.

And SN does not equal horrid kids, some kids are just orrid, whether they're special needs or not the parents need to at least try to tackle the behaviour or they will become even more orrid

exoticfruits · 26/02/2011 21:12

I don't see a problem just ask her to choose 2 friends-I doubt by 8yrs that she wants the whole class (I don't think 5 yr olds do either).Much nicer with real friends.

AintMissBeehiving · 26/02/2011 21:16

I wouldn't leave one out if you're inviting everyone else. If you don't want to invite her, don't invite all the rest.

littletreesmum · 26/02/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChilledChick2 · 26/02/2011 22:21

I agree with Hecate. OP, your priority is your DD's feelings. There is a difference between understanding rude behaviour and tolerating it.

foreverondiet · 26/02/2011 22:24

I would invite her but say to the parents that you wouldn't want to exclude her, BUT you are worried about her behaviour and you are only happy with her coming if they can collect her quickly (ie within 10 mins - basically hovering outside) if she misbehaves. Say that if they aren't happy with this they shouldn't send her.

corns12k · 26/02/2011 22:27

I don't agree that the dd's feelings are necessarily at risk here. Birthday parties are not an excuse to exclude people. dd will have a fab day regardless - I really can't see how one child in 30 is going to have such a negative effect.

q2011 · 26/02/2011 22:34

I think its wrong to judge the behaviour of an 8 year old so harshly, who knows whats going on for her to behave the way she does, I was a naughty difficult child, my home life was shit I was being abused, may be her behviour would be better if she was shown some love and respect. Just a thought for everyone being so judgemental.

poochela · 26/02/2011 23:14

Dear Tigerdad,

your turn of phrase is quite splendid old chap. One would personally think it prudent to go with your suggested plan of inviting a small group of closest chums therefore eliminating tricky issue of said beastly child and solving your dilema.

Yours sincerely
Poochela

p.s. hope DD's birthday bash is top notch.

beanlet · 26/02/2011 23:21

You invite everyone in the class, or only a few close friends. Definitely NOT everyone but one. Put yourself in her shoes (yes, even if she is annoying and rude). At primary school I was often one of only two girs not invited to birthday parties - the clever girl and the fat girl - and it was absolutely horrible. Unforgettably cruel.

Dancergirl · 26/02/2011 23:37

I agree - I have never done whole class parties. Even in reception. 30 kids in the class - just too many. We had just the girls, around half the class and no-one's upset.

How many are in the class? You don't have to do what everyone else does you know. It's about giving YOUR child a nice party, not worrying about the done thing. Why not have a smaller party, with just your daughter's close friends?

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 23:40

Why not have a smaller party, with just your daughter's close friends?

That's exactly what he said he is going to do Dancergirl :)

Ripeberry · 26/02/2011 23:42

Whole class parties stop at 5yrs old! After that it is ONLY special friends end of!

melpomene · 26/02/2011 23:43

Am I the only one wondering which "well known London landmark" it is?

London Eye?
Trafalgar Square?
Buckingham Palace?

melpomene · 26/02/2011 23:46

Also, I think there is a great deal of difference between excluding somebody because you think they are quiet/boring/unpopular, and excluding somebody because they have been actively rude or aggressive towards you.

BeerTricksPotter · 26/02/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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