B-day party: Should the rude and hissing little girl be invited or exculded from the rest of the class?

[TigerDad]

Good day.
My wife and I need your opinion. Our daughter will be 8yrs old soon and we are planning a party, after skipping one last year. It will be at a well known London landmark, and we want it to go well and for our daughter and the other children to be happy.
We know that at my daughter's school all the classmates receive invitations to parties, and no one is excluded. This time however, my wife wants to exclude one girl in the class as she is a really irrating, rude, and insulting to our daughter, and to top it off, she hisses at her and my wife. The little girl in question is awful, and her parents are just as hideous.
My wife realizes that it is not generally acceptable to exclude a child, and she repeatedly reminds our daughter to just ignore the other little girl and to rise above it, but she feels that for our daughter's party she doesn't want the stress and negativity on the day. My wife is a bit fed up with always looking away from those that upset our daughter. I can see her point, but I feel if we don't invite the other little girl it will go around the (small) school and it will become 'an issue' and irrate the other parents at the school.
What do you recommend?
I think we should invite her, but just maybe ignore her! I have to say we hate all this pithy school stuff, but real life means you have to think about it.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you.

[Clary]

YeahI saw that he had decided on the smaller party, just felt like adding my two-pennorth anyway

I love my cautionary tale now, but that's because it was 5 years ago so I can smile about it

[privategodfrey]

Wow!

is this still going?

FWIW the OP decided yesterday that he was going to have a smaller party :)

(never thought of the Natural History Museum - that makes more sense!)

[Clary]

Agree make the party smaller. How big is the class anyway? At my DCs' schools the whole class is 26 kids; whole class parties didn't last beyond reception and even then, inviting half the class or fewer was fine.

By the time they are 8 they are mostly IME inviting just 7-10 pals anyway.

Cautionary tale: I made DD invite all the girls in her class when she was 5 - she wanted to miss out 2 - I should have listened to her as the 2 she wanted to not invite totally ruined the party for her and for me, running wild, screaming and shouting, refusing to join in, attacking other kids etc. I was a nervous wreck by the time the parents arrived. I never made the same mistake again.

I don't see why you should be made to invite a girl you and yr DD don't like. Good posts here from Hecate and others.

Wot's the landmark btw? I too thought of the London Eye but maybe it's the Nat Hist Mus (I believe you can have a sleepover there!)

[skybluepearl]

Don't invite her - she needs to learn to be nicer and what if she really upsets you and your wife on the big day? It's your daughters special celebration - so make it as perfect as pos.

Having a smaller party will be much nicer anyway. Most people i know moved from having whole class parties in reception/year one to smaller friendship group parties in year 2. By year 5/6 they usually do something bigger/more expensive(a london show etc.. )with only one or three close friends.

[PepsiPopcorn]

Thanks for reporting back, TigerDad! Hope the party goes well.

[petisa]

Aw

[ArfurBrain]

bless you...

[TigerDad]

Dear Mumsnet Writers,
Thank you all for your brilliant comments, stories, opinions and observations regarding our daughter's party.
Nor I, nor my wife, have ever used or signed up for Mumsnet before- but now we fully appreciate the brilliant Internet community that the members have created.
All of the posters have given us something to consider. You all have absolutly convinced us to have a smaller party, without feeling obliged to invite the entire class, as has been the norm at her school thus far.
We hope others have also gained from reading the posts from Mumsnet members as well.
Once again, thank you to every one, and best wishes.
TigerDad.

[princessparty]

It's one thing an 8 year old being unpleasant and a bully.it is quite another thing for you as a parent to bully a child which excluding one child might be.

[tethersend]

If you invite this little girl and give her a really nice time, she may become less 'unpleasant', and will have happy memories of a day spent with you and your daughter. Which it sounds like she could do with, TBH.

Just a thought.

[eurycantha]

When I was at school about eight or nine there was a girl who teased/bullied me.When it came to my birthday party my parents said we had to invite her which I didnt want to but agreed.She came to my party and was fine.MY parents said she was lovely gggrrrr.Anyway when we were back at school she was criticizing the party and games.I think if she had not been invited to a few parties she might have tried to be alittle less of a b.... at school.If there is someone who is unpleasant why invite them,Eight is not a very young child and I have met some very unpleasant children who I wouldnt invite.As a footnote we had our school reunion a few years ago,girls looked exactly the same and guys had a lot less hair ,this girl was there and several people would not speak to her at all,mentioning how she had been at school.Your daughter should invite who she wants not who it is political to invite.Why should you go to all the trouble of a day out when this girl Does Not Deserve It.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Cant see the problem with a whole class party. I am however shocked that people invite children their own child doesnt like/get on with, or worse has been low level bullied by. Not a chance. thats also not how it works in the real world is it, i wouldnt have a party and invite someone who treated me badly.

[MCos]

Hey TigerDad, I think other parents will be happy that somebody took the first step to smaller parties, and now at least a few more will follow. That is what happened in my DD1s class..

[MCos]

MrsSchadenfreude - LOVE the pass the parcel idea!

[Bonsoir]

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I have invited the PITA child. Stick to them like glue, find them "special jobs" to do (helping organise games always goes down well), sit them near the birthday child. If they feel special, or just very much included, they are unlikely to play up. But if they do, just make sure that they win pass the parcel. We always used to do this last, and the prize was always a drum, recorder or other noisy musical instrument, which was won by the worst behaved child. Child delighted, revenge on mother for badly behaved child, job done.

[RunAwayWife]

I would leave her out, why would you invite a child that is nasty to your DD? If she is upset at being let out then so be it

[MCos]

Weegiemum, I like the sound of how you do it.

[MCos]

Wow Ripeberry! Doesn't hold across the board.
My DDs, 9 and 7 are quiet friendly with the boys in their class. There are some boys that they don't particularly get on with, but others whose company they really enjoy. Both still attend some full class parties, and the boys and girls have excellent fun playing chase games, etc.

[weegiemum]

We've alawys worked on (roughly) the birthday child + same number of children as new age forrmula.

My closest in age to this situation was my ds who was recently, therefore he could invite 9 friends.

He chose:

His friend over the road who he plays football with after school
2 friends from cubs
4 friends from his class (3 boys 1 girl)
2 friends from the other primary 4 class (1 boy 1 girl)
1 friend who was in his class last year who has gone to a special school for ASD.

He got grief at school from one boy in his class who wasn't invited but as this boy spent 2 years making my ds's life a misery (big old bully) ds said to him "oh I just didn't want to invite you" and walked away.

You know what I liked? That he had friends at all the different activities he does (friends from school are also football training friends) and was able to choose such a nice selection of people - including girls!

We had lego making competitions, drawing competitions and played Mariokart!

THhe only whole class party we ever did was when dd1 was in p1, we lived in a rural area and there were only 8 people in her class!

[ArfurBrain]

please don't invite everyone except one, no matter how unpleasant you find her.
Maybe you could just invite a few of your daughter's particular friends. That is more 'normal' at 8. By that age, no-one expects everyone to go to a party.

[breathing]

We have whole class parties. Whats the problem?

[MCos]

No way can you invite the entire class and omit one, no matter how awful she is. That would be mean. It would also reflect badly on your DD, and prehaps cause her some problems at school, as kids have a stong feelings concerning unfairness.

Either invite her, and keep an eye on her behavior. Or invite a smaller group of selected friends. If you are first family to go with the smaller group for birthday party, other families will probably be happy to follow you. This will probably happen naturally later this year/next year anyway.

[mrsgetonwithit]

7 YEAR OLD BOYS HATE GIRLS, don't think so not here.

they are all hanging out together all through school and secondary school.

what a weird thing to say.

.

[NearlySpring]

I wouldn't invite a child that was rude and disliked and is disliked by the birthday child. We are talking 8 yr olds here not toddlers.

I wouldn't invite her. Not a chance. I wouldn't let her spoil the party and neither would I let her behaviour stop me from inviting the rest of the class either.

If she behaves in such a disgusting way then she cannot expect to be invited to parties. She will quickly learn that being horrible to other people means they will dislike you.

Why would a child "hiss" do you mean like a cats hiss????