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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

B-day party: Should the rude and hissing little girl be invited or exculded from the rest of the class?

140 replies

TigerDad · 26/02/2011 19:07

Good day.
My wife and I need your opinion. Our daughter will be 8yrs old soon and we are planning a party, after skipping one last year. It will be at a well known London landmark, and we want it to go well and for our daughter and the other children to be happy.
We know that at my daughter's school all the classmates receive invitations to parties, and no one is excluded. This time however, my wife wants to exclude one girl in the class as she is a really irrating, rude, and insulting to our daughter, and to top it off, she hisses at her and my wife. The little girl in question is awful, and her parents are just as hideous.
My wife realizes that it is not generally acceptable to exclude a child, and she repeatedly reminds our daughter to just ignore the other little girl and to rise above it, but she feels that for our daughter's party she doesn't want the stress and negativity on the day. My wife is a bit fed up with always looking away from those that upset our daughter. I can see her point, but I feel if we don't invite the other little girl it will go around the (small) school and it will become 'an issue' and irrate the other parents at the school.
What do you recommend?
I think we should invite her, but just maybe ignore her! I have to say we hate all this pithy school stuff, but real life means you have to think about it.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you.

OP posts:

curlymama · 26/02/2011 19:20

Maybe OP and his dd want to invite the whole class.

Why should they feel like they can't do that because of one child that is unpleasant to the dd?

Soojie · 26/02/2011 19:21

Downsize the party and all the other parents will breath a sigh of relief at you for breaking this odd routine of inviting the whole class.

By 8 they should be able to invite chosen friends rather than having the whole lot there. Why bring classroom politics to a happy, social occasion?

toeragsnotriches · 26/02/2011 19:21

Can't she just invite her closest friends?

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 19:23

I guess it would be difficult NOT to invite people whose parties she has already attended.

Has this other child invited your DD to her birthday parties in the past?

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 19:23

I too dont get whole class parties, why! I would much prefer a party to be more intimate, and just include those special friends or the ones most talked about.

curlymama · 26/02/2011 19:24

Xposted with you there oxo.

I just feel that children, although they are still children, should have their wishes respected. Why should a child have to put up with not inviting some of her freinds or be forced to endure a child that is horrible to them at their own birthday party?

At 8, the dd is old enough to understand that it might upset the other child, and hopefully she would be kind enough not to do that.

compo · 26/02/2011 19:24

Is it a small class?
Otherwise it costs a fortune to invite 30 kids

Original poster

TigerDad · 26/02/2011 19:27

This is not some joke posting. I have never posted before, and my wife and I thought trying Mumsnet would be a good idea to gain other opinions.
Regarding the whole class invites, it would not be the first choice of either of us, but it seems to be the tradition at the school. I think it does change in years 5 and 6, but presently the only classmates who do not attend parties are those who have extra activites or are I'll on the day of a party.
Also, I think some readers have taken my comments regarding the awful behavior of the little girl too literally. She is very badly behaved, and I don't think there is any thing wrong with my wife noting it. Naturally we hope the unpleasent little girl will grow up well, but at the moment one would have to be completely blind not to notice her inappropreate actions towards others.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 19:28

I'd only invite your daughter's friends, not the whole class.

However, I have no problem at all with not inviting someone who is rude and ignorant - and she is directly rude to your wife as well as your daughter?

No WAY would I invite such a child. And if the parents asked why, they'd be told why.

I do not think you are helping a rude child by protecting them from the consequences of their bad behaviour.

Do you teach them that if they are horrible, people will not like them, or do you teach them that they can treat other people like shit and they will still get treated fairly and nicely and everyone will always do what they can to protect their feelings, when they do everything they can to hurt the feelings of others?

No. I think a child should learn that it is possible to suffer as a result of how you treat people.

If they don't learn this, then the horrible child who treats others badly grows up into the horrible adult who treats others like shit but has a massive sense of entitlement.

oxocube · 26/02/2011 19:29

curly, I do hear what you are saying and have been in a position of inviting a real pain to one of my DC's parties many times ........ because I know that my ds would have enough good mates there not be screwed up about it and because I just knew it was the right thing to do. This kid has a lot of anger and behavioural issues, IMO as a result of his parents.

TBH, I agree with many others that the best thing to do is to really scale down the party and do something more intimate and special.

EmmelineSpankfirst · 26/02/2011 19:29

If you invite the whole class but excude one child, you are behaving appallingly badly. However, if you invite fewer children, you are of course perfectly entitled not to invite children your DD doesn't like.

littlepinklulu · 26/02/2011 19:30

I just plain wouldnt invite her, its your dd's party and should be up to her, if she does not to want a child there who clearly doesnt like her (which is understandable) then the child shouldnt be invited.
If the child wasnt a brat/horrible/rude then she would be invited, shes spoit it for herself so tough crap really.
As an adult if i had a party i just simply wouldnt invite someone i didnt like.

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 19:31

Exactly what I meant, but put considerably better.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 19:31

oh yes, and let's not forget

"X is mean to me."
"I know, but you can't not invite her to your party or it will hurt her feelings"
"What about my feelings?"
"Well, I think we'll put her feelings above yours, daughter dearest. You'll just have to accept her being mean to you, we can't have her upset."

Yeah. Right.

Now, while that conversation would not take place, the message is so clearly that that you may as well just say it.

We are going to prioritise the feelings of this unpleasant child above yours.

mmsmum · 26/02/2011 19:32

So you are inviting the whole class not because you want to but because it's a school tradition? You are not the school, invite who ever you want to! But if you do choose to invite everyone make sure it is everyone.

Sounds a very bizarre school tbh

Where is the 'power' in choosing who to invite to a party? It's a party for gods sake and I'm amazed at how serious some people seem to take it! An 8 year old should be able to decide which friends she'd like at her party, it's not a bloody power trip!

ScramVonChubby · 26/02/2011 19:33

Hissing sounds quite animalistic to me, which in turn can be a signifier of potentially low lying SN.

Either whole class or special friends, never one child out. Is cruel, epeicllay if elarned from aprents really as not child's fault is it?

YesPleaseDrChristian · 26/02/2011 19:34

At age eight I don't know anyone still doing whole class parties. Why don't you set the trend and just have a small group of your DD's good friends and scale it all down?

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 19:34

Tigerdad

How many children are in the class?

How are you going to get all these children up to London? Will their parents be escorting them?

CupAndSaucer · 26/02/2011 19:36

You can't not invite one child - that would be so hurtful and unkind.

If it were me, I'd ask DD to choose some special friends and invite them.

beachholiday · 26/02/2011 19:36

I also have difficulty believing this is true. Because it does not seem likely any adult would think it was ok to invite every child in their daughter's class -except one. That would be far worse behaviour than any break with the school's unwritten tradition of inviting the whole class.

ambarth · 26/02/2011 19:37

I would invite the whole class or a small group of friends. Like Scram said, it might not be her fault.

curlymama · 26/02/2011 19:38

Fair enough oxo. Maybe I should be on the other side of this debate really, as my ds has AS and now that he is in year 6 has only been invited to one party that didn't involve the whole class in the last two years. Not because he is loud and rude, quite the opposite, he is really quiet and tends to keep himself to himself. Which is obvioulsy the reason he doesn't get invited much, and generally I'm thankful for whole class parties!

I really feel it depends on the strength of the dd's feelings on this, if she could be persuaded to let the child come, or if it would genuinely upset her to have this child there.

OP, what does your dd think? Have you spoken to her about it yet?

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 19:39

I'd certainly have done it beachholiday - no way would I have invited the child who repeatedly called my son a nigger to his party. Why the fuck would I do that?

Luckily we didn't have this 'whole class' tradition but even if we had I'd have seen Hell freeze over before I invited that particular little shit.

Original poster

TigerDad · 26/02/2011 19:39

Thank you all very much.
I think your overall opinion I agree with. Have a smaller group and only invite her good friends, soour daughter, as well as all the other children will be happy. This just means our daughter's party will be the first one in her class in which not everyone is invited, and I hope this will go down well and not upset more families!
Thank you.

OP posts:

Merrylegs · 26/02/2011 19:40

What a ridiculous problem. Invite only friends. The world will not end.

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