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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder have we got it really wrong with todays parenting?

102 replies

slipperandpjsmum · 25/02/2011 17:33

Parenting has changed so much in the last 20 even 10 years alot for the good but not all I am sure.

There is so much emphasis on risk and avoiding it, all the 'must have stuff' for babies, all the guilt/worry/pressure about are we getting it right rather than just enjoying our children???

Just throwing the question out there to the MN jury .................

OP posts:
wordfactory · 25/02/2011 17:36

There are negatives, but I prefer to focus on the positives.

We try to listen to our DC and treat them like people.

We beleive them if they tell us there is s problem.

We don't think beating them is an answer to all ills.

Previous generations weren't always very good at any of this.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/02/2011 17:36

I think I'm doing ok

mamsnet · 25/02/2011 17:36

Come back later after the wine has been opened and we can chat at length..

wordfactory · 25/02/2011 17:37

And I think a lot of us do enjoy our children...we just are more accepting that there is more than one way of doing this.

Original poster
slipperandpjsmum · 25/02/2011 17:39

Acceptance?? on AIBU? Really?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2011 17:42

wordfactory... Absolutely, that's the biggest advancement I think, there are so many more parenting methods and all are acceptable.

smokingnuns · 25/02/2011 17:43

Huge swing from the 50s imo, we're bringing up a generation of narcissistic spoilt brats. And yes, I am talking about my own children (obviously did my job too well, following the zeitgeist to the letter). Kids have so many 'rights' and our culture worships the 'rights' of children to an unhealthy degree. Parenting is now about parental competition, nothing to do with the kids.

poodlerockin · 25/02/2011 17:45

I agree it has changed - but I don't think it's any worse, just different. Some changes are definitely better, some definitely aren't. So it's a mix really.

FreudianSlippery · 25/02/2011 17:46

I think it's harder to relax about parenting these days. There is so much pressure - from all areas! Pressures to look perfect a week after giving birth, pressure to work or not work, to provide all the latest toys, to get into the best school...

I blame the media.

zukiecat · 25/02/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2011 17:47

smokingnuns... I agree with your post too, it's a definite downside to bringing up children now and I don't think they're better off for it because with all the parenting methods, the discipline aspect is really alien to some parents.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/02/2011 17:50

I tell you one thing that's changed.

20 years ago, we didn't 'parent' or debate 'parenting' or worry if we had 'parented' or 'were parenting' or 'would parent' appropriately or adequately

We had kids.

I think that putting a lot of effort into 'parenting' is actually the problem.

Before we 'parented', back when we just had kids, we spent less time thinking about it and more time doing it and I think that, by and large, kids were the better for it!

BooyFuckingHoo · 25/02/2011 17:51

i parent with one aim in mind, that everyone that lives in my house is happy. we have rules that focus on respect of each other and that is pretty much it. i am not a competitive person and i don't care if my dcs are top of the class or not. i care that they are working at a level that keeps them stimulated but that they aren't struggling with. their happiness is what is important to me.

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2011 17:53

Parenting for me had always been ok..... Lone parent for 7 years, but in December I hit a rough patch with one of my teens. NOTHING had prepared me for this....... Thankgod for mn and the teens mums here!!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/02/2011 17:54

To be fair, a lot of us don't think too hard about parenting. We just sort of feed them, wash them, love them and try to impart enough moral values so that they don't turn in to bastards.

ScarlettWalking · 25/02/2011 17:56

Well I'm/ we're doing an awful lot better that my parents did. Telling me how to feel and what to say as a child, not being listened to, seen and not heard topped off with some nice smacks and shoving in there for good measure.

DD may be a bit indulged but at least I listen to her, don't invade her privacy and boundaries physically or mentally and don't feel like I have some God given right to control her because I gave birth to her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2011 17:57

That's all any of us can do, really. :)

I think the main difference between then and now is communication; we didn't have fora to post on and everybody just got on with it, perhaps with advice, guidance, support, etc. from real life friends?

travellingwilbury · 25/02/2011 17:58

Well I reckon I got it wrong today but yesterday I was marvellous and hopefully tomorrow I will be good enough .

camdancer · 25/02/2011 18:05

I like to think I'm just screwing my children up in a different way to the way my parents screwed me up. It's another way of saying that although I'm trying to not make the same mistakes, I'm sure I'll make others.

I don't think there was any great age of parenting where everything and everyone turned out wonderfully. I'm doing my best, my parents did their best and my grandparents did their best.

biryani · 25/02/2011 18:12

I agree with Hecate. Parenting has now become a verb in its own right; in the (golden!) olden days people just got in with it, and that seems to be the difference. It's almost as if the traditional ways weren't good enough, but most of us thrived on them and turned out OK. Also, different "styles" of parenting set adults against each other in the parenting stakes, creating competition and insecurity. And whilst many of us don't think too hard about it, there are many who do! I think we need to parent by instinct a lot more and listen to the (so-called)gurus less!

TheSecondComing · 25/02/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travellingwilbury · 25/02/2011 18:16

I do agree that we tend to over think the way we "parent" now but I do think that is because a lot of us are doing it without the help of an extended family living round the corner . I know my mum received a lot more help and support from family than I do so we look to other mediums and then get more confused than we were in the first place and fumble through anyway .

missmapp · 25/02/2011 18:22

I read an article recently that said things started to go wrong when 'parent' became a verb, I thinnk they had a good point.

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2011 18:22

I was a child of the 70's too.......and I loved back then how us kids should be 'seen and not heard' I quite liked that as a child!

I also knew names of trees, flowers, birds and plants simply because I spent ALL my time outdoors and up various trees,and I never ever snacked!!! My dc can't identify flowers, my fault I know, but they are more interested in the latest 'blackberry'

My parents .... And friends parents, didn't have to try to hard at all, WE had to fit around them, not vice versa like nowadays!

Laquitar · 25/02/2011 18:25

I don't know... every generation says the same.

I remember my parents telling us how 'lucky' we are because when they were little they had to wear shoes with holes. And they were saying to their friends that we might become spoilt brats because we have one new pair every two years HmmGrin.

But i agree with smoking that now it is more to do with parental competition.