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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to have a friendship with a woman he met online

98 replies

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:07

when we were "on a break" last year. I know I will probabbly get a few responses saying well if you trust him, then what's the problem?
The problem is I don't think I do trust him anymore and I am trying to rebuild that trust but it's bloody difficult. Last May I discovered an active membership of an online dating website which led to me ending the relationship. We were reunited several weeks later after he'd had a nasty accident but in the few weeks we were apart he met this woman from Belgium and they got quite close (talking online all night etc). There are sevaral things she has done and said that have made me very mistrustful of her.
To make matters worse, DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags.
She is supposed to be coming over this weekend and DP suggested I could come too. He is now saying that I can't see any of my friends without him as that would be double standards on my part.
I have been trying and trying to get through to him that I am not bothered about him seeing frinds and going out, it's just this woman, and this relationship with her that makes me very very uneasy. For the record, he gave me an ultimatum last summer which involved me chucking out an ex of mine who was sleeping on our living room floor whilst looking for a place to live. I chose DP in that matter and I am pissed off that it's one rule for him and another for me.
So, am I a controlling bitch or do I have grounds for wanting DP to not continue this friendship at the cost of making me feel insignificant and worthless?

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:08

please excuse typos, am on a PC in a coffee shop and am unfamiliar with this keyboard

OP posts:
Hassled · 22/02/2011 11:12

Is he really worth all this hassle? He must have a hell of a lot of redeeming features to make up for this. Yes, on the face of it he's entitled to have platonic female friends. But given his track record with the dating site etc you are way more entitled to ask him to treat you with some sensitivity and respect. Which he's not doing.

If she's really worth more to him than his partner and kids then he's a twat. And he must know he's being a twat - he just doesn't care. I'm quite sure you're worth more than this.

pobodysnerfect · 22/02/2011 11:12

He told you that if he had o choose between you and the kids and her then it would be her? And your still there? Protect yourself, protect your kids and don't give him a choice, you pack YOUR bags and go.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 11:15

Just my opinion, but I would call his bluff and let him choose to pack his bags if he wants to see her.

Fuck him, if he thinks more of this woman than of what you feel, let her have him.

You call it a friendship, but did he meet her on the dating website? That's not a friend then is it? They were both there to build a relationship together.

I don't think you're a controlling bitch, and if your DP makes you feel insignificant and worthless, then he's not the bloke for you.

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:19

Thank you for all your responses. He met her on Chat Uk which I'd never heard of until she came into our lives. I don't think it is a dating website but she offered to put him up in a hotel the first time she was due to visit him in London.
I just feel so uneasy about this. He has told me that if he packs his bags and goes then it will be my decision to break up the family. It just makes me want to scream. I want to be treated with respect and consideration for my feelings. He wants to see who he wants when he wants.
I feel a bit sick now.

OP posts:
reality1 · 22/02/2011 11:19

He obviously thinks more of her than you to treat you this way, like another poster said call his bluff and see if he packs his bags.
You and the kids deserve better

doricpatter · 22/02/2011 11:19

Agree totally, call that bluff. He sounds to me like he thinks he can bully you into accepting his behaviour. I bet he's really charming and lovely and makes out you're the unreasonable one, yeah? In your shoes, I think I'd be carefully placing his belongings in the garden via an upstairs window.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 11:20

He wants it all ways.

He wants a say in who you see and what you do but doesnt give you the same consideration?

Normally I am a "talk first, work it out if you can" person but I in this instance I am afraid that my view is that you should ditch the prick.

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:20

Put him up in the hotel she was staying in, I meant.
Partners are supposed to come first, aren't they, within reason? Is this within reason?

OP posts:
reality1 · 22/02/2011 11:21

Also him saying if you make him choose and its your decision to break the family up thats him playing the guilt trip on you to make you think you threw the relationship away because he doesnt have the guts to end it and be on his head. Get rid i have been through this and honestly you do deserve better

doricpatter · 22/02/2011 11:22

It will be your decision to break up the family?! No, it'll be your decision to stand up for your family and opt out of a relationship with a manchild who thinks he can control you with threats and blame.

Hassled · 22/02/2011 11:22

Yes, this is within reason. You're absolutely in the right on this one - he's messing with your head in an attempt to have his cake and eat it.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 11:22

He has told me that if he packs his bags and goes then it will be my decision to break up the family

That speaks volumes.

He wants his own way and if you demand respect and consideration then it is your fault if he leaves! He wont take responsibility for his shoddy behaviour, expects you to bend over backwards to please him and when you dont, everything is your fault.

He is a loser who cares more about himself than he will ever care about anyone else, sorry to say, including you and your kids.

coccyx · 22/02/2011 11:23

Wow what a cheeky sod. Doesn't he care how this makes you feel?
Pack his bags for him!

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 11:26

Bear in mind btw, that whatever happens now with this woman, you are with a man who has already been on a dating site whilst with you and is now threatening you with leaving if he doesnt get his own way.

This will happen again in the future, I guarantee it. So you need to think about whether you want to win this battle and limp along to the next one. Or take back control and get rid of him now.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 11:27

If he wants to pack his bags and leave that's his choice, don't let him turn it round onto you, or take an ounce of responsibility for him being a wanker.

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:27

This has been my main problem. Surely his right to have whoever he wants as a friend is not more important about how that friendship makes me feel?He believes I am being controlling towards him.

I believe he's being callous and selfish. Impasse.

I have some serious thinking to do.

OP posts:
SecondMrsS · 22/02/2011 11:29

I think this is a weird set up. I mean, there's nothing to stop people in relationships having friends of the opposite sex but surely if your partner (who youre supposed to be trying to gain the trust of again) tells you a particular person really bothers tham, why would you choose to still be friends with that person?

There is no one on earth as important as my partner in my life (other than my DD of course!)

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2011 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:29

I have to return home now as my 30 mins is nearly up. Will check in a bit later at home.

Thank you, mnetters.

OP posts:
doricpatter · 22/02/2011 11:29

He's manipulating you, Ghost. Don't stand for it. You can do better - a good start would be showing him that you aren't going to tolerate his behaviour no matter what context he creates to justify it.

Yukana · 22/02/2011 11:31

I have to agree with Agent.

As much as this may or may not be what you want to hear, 'DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags' makes it seem very clear to me that he cares about this woman more than you and the children.
He knows he is being unfair, he blatantly doesn't think of her as 'just a friend' and your friends have nothing to do with this in my opinion.

You are not a controlling bitch, and personally I'd tell him to pack his bags.

Hullygully · 22/02/2011 11:32

arse

arse

arse

kill him

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 11:34

'Surely his right to have whoever he wants as a friend is not more important about how that friendship makes me feel?'

If he loves and cares for you, he should be bothered how you feel about the things he does.

I wouldn't think much of someone who was emotionally blackmailing me to try and force me into not being upset about something.

Nobody can tell you you don't feel the way you do, how can they??

dearprudence · 22/02/2011 11:35

You haven't said how you would feel about ending your relationship with this man, or if he's the father of your children.

In the circumstances you describe I would not say you were controlling at all. It's not that you don't want him to see any friends, it's this particular 'friend' who is the problem. And for good reason, it seems.

FWIW, I think it wasn't unreasonable of him to want your ex to leave your house, but the fact there was an ultimatum involved here as well is interesting. Now there's another one - let me see my 'friend' or I'll leave you, and what's more it will be your fault.

There's a word for accusing your partner of faults that you possses yourself, isn't there.

Ah, sod it. The guy's a dickhead and you'd be better off without him.