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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to have a friendship with a woman he met online

98 replies

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:07

when we were "on a break" last year. I know I will probabbly get a few responses saying well if you trust him, then what's the problem?
The problem is I don't think I do trust him anymore and I am trying to rebuild that trust but it's bloody difficult. Last May I discovered an active membership of an online dating website which led to me ending the relationship. We were reunited several weeks later after he'd had a nasty accident but in the few weeks we were apart he met this woman from Belgium and they got quite close (talking online all night etc). There are sevaral things she has done and said that have made me very mistrustful of her.
To make matters worse, DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags.
She is supposed to be coming over this weekend and DP suggested I could come too. He is now saying that I can't see any of my friends without him as that would be double standards on my part.
I have been trying and trying to get through to him that I am not bothered about him seeing frinds and going out, it's just this woman, and this relationship with her that makes me very very uneasy. For the record, he gave me an ultimatum last summer which involved me chucking out an ex of mine who was sleeping on our living room floor whilst looking for a place to live. I chose DP in that matter and I am pissed off that it's one rule for him and another for me.
So, am I a controlling bitch or do I have grounds for wanting DP to not continue this friendship at the cost of making me feel insignificant and worthless?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 11:35

yy to hullys suggestion.

And make sure it's slow.

Blunt scissors?

Squitten · 22/02/2011 11:41

If my DH told me that I either had to let him see this woman or he would leave his children, I would be packing his bags for him.

Tell him he can go - if that's how his priorities are organised, you really don't need him!

christmaswishes · 22/02/2011 11:43

Your right he's wrong - simple

TracyK · 22/02/2011 11:45

So he's not even known her a year? And he's choosing her over you AND the kids?

If it had been a long, long standing friend - then maybe he could keep seeing her.

Call his bluff and if he does go - then - you are better off!

But maybe sit him down first and explain what his/your/the kids lives will be if he leaves. ie where will he live? How much contact will he have with the kids? etc etc. Not an easy option if he loves his kids.

ratspeaker · 22/02/2011 11:51

There are sevaral things she has done and said that have made me very mistrustful of her.

Sorry, dear. What you really mean is HE has done and said things that make you mistrust HIM

He has said if you make him choose then he'll choose her
That says it all, HE wants to meet her, HE wants to maybe even take it futher and HE expects you to put up with it

He has said if you make him choose it's YOUR fault that he leaves
Nope thats HIS choice

I suspect he has made up his mind to go, he's looking for a way to make it seems like your fault to make himself feel better
All you can do is keep your self respect

Take a deep breath
Stand tall
You deserve happiness
You are worth far more

Tell him 'bye

Say goodbye

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 11:55

How do you know he wont leave anyway if you do give way on this?

He meets her, sleeps with her, she asks him to be with her full time, and boom, he's gone.

LisaD1 · 22/02/2011 11:58

I'm sorry but if my DH said he would leave if I did not let him continue a "friendship" with a woman he met online while we were seperated and who offered him a hotel his bags would be packed quicket than he could blink.

HE has made her more important than you just by that statement and that for me would be enough to finish off the relationship.

Loulovesshopping · 22/02/2011 12:02

I recently went through pretty much this situation, but i stuck to my guns and he made the right choice (me :) )

i dont think you are being unreasonable at all, stick it out girl, dont let him manipulate you!!

luckily for me i dont have kids so that wasnt an issue, and i just stayed away from him for a few days until he stopped his stupid behaviour!

at the end of the day, you need to be strong and not stand for that sort of shit! you deserve better!!

if he is prepared to risk his family for some belgian woman who he hardly knows then more fool him!!

(makes me angry)

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 22/02/2011 12:03

get rid of him. he doesn't have enough respect for you and quite why he is so keen on this belgium chick is all a bit bizarre.

i'd also add that the fact he had to ask you to turf our an ex who was sleeping in the living room sounds like neither of you have got enough sense of the boundaries required for maintaining a longterm relationship.

how would you have felt if it was his ex sleeping in your living room?

in relationships it's do as you would be done by.

Pheebe · 22/02/2011 12:05

Ghost, I'm so sorry but it really sounds like he's looking for a way out. He wants it to be you that kicks him out so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship. He wants to be able to blame you for him having to leave your children etc

Don't accept it, be very clear that he is making the choices. If this was just a 'normal' friendship I would say you were being controlling and had no right to dictate who he is friends with. But this is much more, he is having an emotional affair with her and if he places a friendship with the women over you and the children then that is his choice and his decision.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What an utter twat.

PrincessStarla · 22/02/2011 12:05

To make matters worse, DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags.

I'd pack his bags for him to be honest. What cuntish behaviour- you deserve better than this.

eden263 · 22/02/2011 12:08

He says it will be you breaking up the relationship if you don't let him see her? Well, surely, he is the one who broke up the relationship when he joined a dating agency for fuck's sake while you were still together!! I mean, what was he planning to do? Find someone and try them out before deciding whether to ditch you (and the kids), or have an affair?

Let her have him. You can do much better, and your DC deserve better than a man who would rather 'be friends with' a woman he barely knows (IRL) than be in their lives.

Tosser.

constantlywrong · 22/02/2011 12:43

Yep, I agree with the others - get his bags packed ASAP.

ljgibbs · 22/02/2011 14:18

Pack his bgs for him, the bastard. You'll be much better off without him.

ljgibbs · 22/02/2011 14:19

Doh, bags

ImFab · 22/02/2011 14:22

What are you really asking?

This man is willing to throw you and the children away for someone he hasn't even shagged.

YOU are not throwing things away, HE IS.

He is an arse, a dick, a waste of space. Pick your own insult.

If you stay with him after this you are a fool, sorry.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/02/2011 14:25

You would be better off without him, he sounds a total arsehole.

Teenybitsad · 22/02/2011 14:25

God. I am measuring this against my own (not perfect) DH and he would nevermake me choose.

Call his bluff. Sorry for you.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/02/2011 14:31

someone he hasn't shagged yet

or, OP, are you sure that when you were on a "break" he didn't have a couple of "mini breaks" over to the continent?

you only have his word for it that they haven't met up before now

and he is a proven liar isn't he ?

do you need a hand packing those bags ?

ImFab · 22/02/2011 14:33

Oh, PA, the yet was there alright in my head but you know, not rubbing it in. Absolutely fine for you to point it out though.

ImFab · 22/02/2011 14:35

"I have to return home now as my 30 mins is nearly up. Will check in a bit later at home."

Why are you limited to only 30 minutes?

madonnawhore · 22/02/2011 14:35

He's being a shit. Get rid of him. Watch how fast he shacks up with Belgian woman.

madonnawhore · 22/02/2011 14:36

ImFab, she was in an internet cafe.

scentednappyhag · 22/02/2011 14:39

I wonde what is so amazing about a woman he says he hasn't met that would make him choose her over his children? The whole situation sounds very strange, I'd leave him to it personally. His bullying behaviour will take it's toll on your confidence, tell him to get stuffed before his kids realise how little they mean to him. :( sorry you're having to deal with this fucknugget.

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2011 14:46

Get rid.

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