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Original poster

to not want DP to have a friendship with a woman he met online

98 replies

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:07

when we were "on a break" last year. I know I will probabbly get a few responses saying well if you trust him, then what's the problem?
The problem is I don't think I do trust him anymore and I am trying to rebuild that trust but it's bloody difficult. Last May I discovered an active membership of an online dating website which led to me ending the relationship. We were reunited several weeks later after he'd had a nasty accident but in the few weeks we were apart he met this woman from Belgium and they got quite close (talking online all night etc). There are sevaral things she has done and said that have made me very mistrustful of her.
To make matters worse, DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags.
She is supposed to be coming over this weekend and DP suggested I could come too. He is now saying that I can't see any of my friends without him as that would be double standards on my part.
I have been trying and trying to get through to him that I am not bothered about him seeing frinds and going out, it's just this woman, and this relationship with her that makes me very very uneasy. For the record, he gave me an ultimatum last summer which involved me chucking out an ex of mine who was sleeping on our living room floor whilst looking for a place to live. I chose DP in that matter and I am pissed off that it's one rule for him and another for me.
So, am I a controlling bitch or do I have grounds for wanting DP to not continue this friendship at the cost of making me feel insignificant and worthless?

OP posts:
tethersend · 22/02/2011 14:51

Sod it, I'll pack his bags.

ImFab · 22/02/2011 14:53

madonnawhore I knew that and was hoping that was why but had a feeling he might have only allowed her out for 30 minutes.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/02/2011 14:53

OP, have a look at this thread

madonnawhore · 22/02/2011 14:54

ImFab ah, I see. Yes, hope that's not the case.

saffy85 · 22/02/2011 14:56

He's already chosen though hasn't he? By saying that if you make him choose he will leave. I would take that at face value and end this now. Wouldn't give him the option of leaving. Hope this woman is worth losing his DC for. And yes IME when a parent chooses any person over their own child/children the relationship is never the same again really.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 22/02/2011 15:55

Pathetic inadequate twat (him that is)

Pack his bag for him and make it clear to him that it's his behaviour that is the cause of the relationship ending.

Oh and get yourself to an STI clinic. Just because this woman is the only one you know about doesn't mean she's the only one IYSWIM.

oldwomaninashoe · 22/02/2011 16:06

I think that he has already "chosen".

There are very few men who can have an intense platonic relationship with women, you have every right to be deeply suspicious.

If she is not someone he has known for years, a work colleague or someone he has met through a mutaul hobby/interest I would question his "platonic" claim the very fact that he is willing to jeopardize his relationship with you and the family , speaks volumes!!

Make plans that do not invove him

cheekeymonkey · 22/02/2011 16:20

Pack his bags....second thought, burn all his clothes, see how much she fancies him when he only has his superman pants to stand up in!!Angry. Seriously you must be able to see that he is just making you make the decisions that he doesn't have the balls to make himself? What a spineless weasel! (sorry weasels, you didn't ask for that!). Was very convenient for you to have him back to nurse him after his accident wasn't it? Anyway what has the other woman got for self-respect if she knows he's married?

bigbeagleeyes · 22/02/2011 16:26

Do you have to ask? Call his bluff. Pack his bags for him.
I was in a very similar situation as you with my ex, but he wouldn't leave. At least you have the choice.

ButterflySally · 22/02/2011 17:57

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It must be really hard, especially if he's trying to make it sound as though it'll be YOUR fault for breaking up the relationship.

I'm sory to say but it sounds as though he emotionally left the relationship a long time ago. His loyalty is not with you and his children anymore - they lie with this woman. Someone who was committed to his partner and children would get rid of this other woman, instantly. He's made it clear he will not.

The relationship is over. The best option for you to is to leave with dignity and self respect. Don't let him treat you this way!! I'm so sorry and hope you'll be strong.

GreenEyesandHam · 22/02/2011 18:59

I'm going to state a different opinion and stand up for this guy a little bit here...

Yeah right, :o just ditch the twat- how disrespectful to you and your children. Play along with it, and when he comes back from his playdate and the locks are changed, shout through the letterbox that he made his choice, he can get to fuck

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 19:16

Thank you for all your messages.

I asked him to choose between me or her.

He has gone Sad

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 22/02/2011 19:17

I'd kick him out and get on with my life without him the selfish no good for nothing bastard.

He is basically threatening you, I go and you shut the fuck up, or if I don't go you can fuck right off.

Nice man - NOT.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 19:23

Oh I am sorry Ghost Sad

Not that he's gone, but that you're left feeling shit about it all.

What will your plans be now?

Are you feeling a bit shocked about it all, or do you think this might have been on the cards for a while?

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 19:23

I think you did the right thing though, at least you know where you stand in this mans life.

FabbyChic · 22/02/2011 19:25

Im really sorry he has gone, but you done the right thing.

You can get plenty of support here.

I think it shows just how much he thought of you.

Don't take him back after the weekend when it doesn't work out.

ButterflySally · 22/02/2011 19:25

Sorry he has gone but, at the risk of sounding trite, it probably is for the best in the long run. You did the right thing!

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 19:27

I am sorry that he has treated you like this, but I honestly believe that if you had managed to get him to stay then it would have been a case of delaying the inevitable.

It sounds like in his head, he was already halfway out of the door and just wanted an excuse.

You have done the right thing for you and your kids and he has shown himself up as the loser that he is.

Just stay strong so that when he comes crawling back, as he will, you say no to him. Please PLEASE dont let him back when he comes begging, because if you do this will all happen again.

Take care and go easy on yourself.

Portofino · 22/02/2011 19:27

I know you must be very upset that he left, but I swear to you, you are better off without him, if that is his attitude!

blinks · 22/02/2011 19:30

what a complete fud.

if you take him back after this, you'll never respect yourself again.

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 19:31

I'm sitting here in tears. I had so hoped he would stay with us. Trying not to think about DS (who will be 3 on Monday) waking up tomorrow morning and looking for Daddy. DP left as soon as I'd put LO to bed so DS has no idea yet that Daddy's gone.

He said he wasn't willing to drop the friendship, he would have curtailed it somewhat but he was still going to have her in his life. So it's me and our DS and my DD he has left instead.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 19:36

Sad at you thinking about your little DS.

Stay strong in not letting any guilt, in the way you've both been treated, creep in.

It's not your fault, you sound like you did everything you could to keep things together, but some things overstep important boundaries.

Are there people in RL you can call on to support you?

ScaredOne · 22/02/2011 19:38

I am sorry to hear that. He had made his choice before though, by telling you he would leave.
While I don't think we should usually say whom our partners can be friends with this situation was absolutely ridiculous. You would have never found peace with knowing she is more important to him than you. No normal friendship is, especially not with people you only know online.
Are you alone now or is there anyone there in real life with you?

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 19:42

So he is a coward aswell as everything else. He couldnt even explain to your DS that Daddy was going to be living somewhere else? And then saying "he would have curtailed it somewhat** it but was still going to have her in his life" he is twisting it to being your fault again, that you are being unreasonable when you aren't.

**Whatever that means!

Original poster
GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 19:43

No, just me and a confused DD. I have told her that DP has gone to his dad's for the night. Can't bear to tell her anymore at this moment. I don't feel ready to talk about it anywhere other than here, really, it's all just a bit too raw.

He had met her, by the way. She came over to London three times and he saw her three times. I met her the second time. Last time she came over we had a big row and he didn't see her.

She's coming over this weekend and it's killing me to think he'll be with her and not with me getting the last few bits for DS's birthday.

OP posts: