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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to have a friendship with a woman he met online

98 replies

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 22/02/2011 11:07

when we were "on a break" last year. I know I will probabbly get a few responses saying well if you trust him, then what's the problem?
The problem is I don't think I do trust him anymore and I am trying to rebuild that trust but it's bloody difficult. Last May I discovered an active membership of an online dating website which led to me ending the relationship. We were reunited several weeks later after he'd had a nasty accident but in the few weeks we were apart he met this woman from Belgium and they got quite close (talking online all night etc). There are sevaral things she has done and said that have made me very mistrustful of her.
To make matters worse, DP has said that if I force him to chose between seeing her and being with me and the kids he will pack his bags.
She is supposed to be coming over this weekend and DP suggested I could come too. He is now saying that I can't see any of my friends without him as that would be double standards on my part.
I have been trying and trying to get through to him that I am not bothered about him seeing frinds and going out, it's just this woman, and this relationship with her that makes me very very uneasy. For the record, he gave me an ultimatum last summer which involved me chucking out an ex of mine who was sleeping on our living room floor whilst looking for a place to live. I chose DP in that matter and I am pissed off that it's one rule for him and another for me.
So, am I a controlling bitch or do I have grounds for wanting DP to not continue this friendship at the cost of making me feel insignificant and worthless?

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 22/02/2011 19:44

Pack his bags and tell him Bon Voyage.

Hell, I'll even come and help you.

bupcakesandcunting · 22/02/2011 19:45

Your name is a lyric from one of my favourite songs so you're alright in my book

blinks · 22/02/2011 19:48

i will wager my house on him attempting to somehow slime his way back into your affections.

Gemsy83 · 22/02/2011 19:48

OMG so sorry what an absolute jerk, so sorry you've had to find out the hard way what a waste of space he is.

saffy85 · 22/02/2011 19:50

I'm sorry he has upset you so much OP. You deserve better than that spineless cunt. Anyone who can walk out on their family for any reason like he has, let alone for someone he barely knows isn't worth grieving for. Or pissing on.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 19:52

That's the worst bit, seeing the time stretch out before you knowing you're not going to be free of all the shit.

I really feel for you and send you a hug.

Could you start a thread in relationships?

Not saying all the lovely posters in AIBU can't help you, but relationships can give you ongoing support and someone to talk it through with.

PeterAndreForPM · 22/02/2011 20:03

OP, I am so sorry

I hate to be proved right sometimes, but I knew he would have met her face to face. There will be lots more communication/meetings you know nothing about.

He has been having an affair wih her and has chosen her over his family.

When it goes tits-up for him, I really hope you don't take him back.

I can see the script here, and it ain't pretty

mrsbiscuits · 22/02/2011 20:15

Ya see if it ever got to the stage where my OH was slinging ultimatums at me it would be curtains - with him exiting stage left. If he was prepared to call your bluff like that then he really can't have much respect for you and I can only assume that the reason you stay with him is for your children which is understandable but I don't think you can go on like this. x

eden263 · 22/02/2011 21:27

Ghost, I'm so sorry it's left you feeling upset, but if he'd stayed, after all this, you'd have never been able to trust him and it would have eaten your self-respect and confidence. Now you need to take a deep breath, hold your head up high and remember how you just got on with it the last time you were apart.

You have to deal with what to tell the DC in the way they'll understand. It'll be hard, but kids are quite adaptable, especially at LO's age. Plus you have his birthday to distract him and for you to focus on right now.

But as the others have said, please, please be strong when he comes crawling back once OW has gone back home and stand your ground. He has treated you like shit and played you for a fool big time. Don't let him get away with it. xx

weefriend · 22/02/2011 21:37

I'm so sorry :(, you definitely did the right thing though. It was his choice in the end. Take care.

doricpatter · 22/02/2011 22:18

I am so sad for you but you did absolutely the right thing by putting a stop to his cake-having-and-eating. He's an immature, pathetic prick and you're way, way better off without him.

dearprudence · 22/02/2011 23:44

This is so sad for you and your children. He has shown his true colours by choosing his relationship with this woman over you and the children. And this is someone he has known less than a year and has only met a few times. As my mother would say, it beggars belief.

It must be very painful to be at the receiving end of his actions. I am really sorry.

doubleease · 23/02/2011 00:22

You know he's left because it was the only way he could see the woman with what he thinks is a clear conscience? It will be another 'we were on a break'.

When she flies back to Belgium - where will he be? Stuck typing conversations to her over the internet? (be sure NOT to tell him where all the good internet cafes are ) and your door will be firmly shut to him crawling his way back. It will won't it???

Morloth · 23/02/2011 02:32

I am sorry that you are sad he has gone.

But really, he was an A grade arsehole and you and your kids are so much better off without him.

I mean what a fucking prick.

Please don't let him crawl back when he has had his fun, he isn't worth your time. Get your DS's party sorted and lawyer up.

I would bet quite a large amount of money than when she has headed home he will suddenly have a change of heart and want to pick up the family he dumped again. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Find your rage woman, how dare he treat you and his children like this. Get angry.

beijingaling · 23/02/2011 02:49

Yy morloth is 100% right

Baggypussy · 23/02/2011 09:02

What a fucking penis. Of course there is something iffy about the nature of this particular relationship. Both DP & I have loads of friends of the opposite sex- difference being that they're mates i.e not people that we struck up a 'friendship' with in the hope of getting a shag. If he cannot see the difference then he is a cock of the highest order.

ballstoit · 23/02/2011 09:30

Ghost,just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. My ex-DH did the same with a 'friendship' with a woman we both knew. After he left (and she left her own H) it became clear that it had been more than a friendship.

I've been on my own for nearly a year now and every day I become more myself, the person I was before I was with him.

Keep looking here for support but look in RL too, you have nothing to e ashamed or embarassed about, and you will find support in surprising places.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 23/02/2011 11:14

Ghost I know it won't feel like it right now but he's done you a big favour. He's a wanker who isn't good enough for you and you deserve a lot better than him.

Hold your head high and concentrate on yourself and your DC and getting through one day at a time for now. Morloth is right when she says you need to get angry right now.

One day when you're ready you'll be able to find a lovely man who will treat you with love and respect.

FourFortyFour · 23/02/2011 19:07

Of course you are sad he has gone as you are a decent person. He is a coward as well as everything others have said as he has left you to explain where daddy has gone to your young children. Tell them he has decided he doesn't want to live with mummy any more but he still loves them, if he does.

Good luck for the future. You can start a new life now for you and your children without having to think whether your partner is thinking of someone else.

missmehalia · 23/02/2011 19:12

Nah.. he wants all the rights and none of the resonsibilities. He can't have it all his own way. Emotional blackmail, etc. Doesn't sound good. Of course, if you really like him then you'll probably stick with it, but there is clearly no trust here on either side.

This thing could run and run, but it would probably also do your head in.

There are other nice men out there.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 23/02/2011 19:29

((((((Hugs))))))) OP, you're better off without him. He sounds manipulative and wants to have his cake and eat it.

You deserve far better

pigletmania · 23/02/2011 19:37

He obviously does not think much of you, if he would rather pack his bags and be with her than be with you. And blaming you for breaking up the family if you ask him to leave, what a wanker, you are better off without him!

pigletmania · 23/02/2011 19:42

Just read that he left you. He did you the biggest favour ever, why should you want to be with someone who treats you like shit, you deserves better. Enjoy being single and concentrating on your ds, and in the future you will realise what a wanker he was and what you ever saw in him, and meet someone who will love you, and treat you with respect, you deserve that.

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