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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Track Down The Stranger I Stole From And Say Sorry

111 replies

YouCouldntMakeItup · 21/02/2011 21:47

...20 years later?

Namechanged obv.

I was a teenager and I committed bank card fraud. Could never do anything like that now. The person has quite a unique name and I may have found them on 192.com. I would offer to pay back the money whether or not the bank refunded it.
That is another reason I am posting, to find out if it is likely that the person got the money back, because it was over £200.

OP posts:
toddlerama · 22/02/2011 13:35

I think Lalamom has hit the nail on the head. It's about being able to be at peace with yourself and know that you have a clean slate. That takes some serious courage. All the best, let us know what happens.

LouMacca · 22/02/2011 13:36

OP I haven't read the whole thread but you are clearly sorry for what you did and I think you should give yourself a break and move on.

If you can afford to give £200 away I would give it to a charity.

princessparty · 22/02/2011 13:44

Just wondered why. after 20years you have only just thought about this? has something happened in your life?

mmsmum · 22/02/2011 13:49

I like the idea of writing an anonymous letter, it might make you both feel better about the situation. But only include the money (a postal note maybe) if you can easily afford it, otherwise don't because they will most likely have got it from the bank (unless you feel bad for the bank too and want to send them some money lol)

I do think that you are a changed person and should let it go, stop beating yourself up over it. You made a mistake but nothing really bad happened. no one was hurt and you weren't charged. Be grateful for that, not guilty, because maybe there was a reason and it's probably because you are a good person.

Whatever you do don't identify yourself, I'd be terrified to do that, for all you know they might take it to the police. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations but don't suppose you want to find out that way!

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 14:38

Princessparty, lots has happened in my life, having DC is probably the biggest thing.

I have made up my mind to contact this person by phone and see if it is them, I have a small amount of savings and could cover it in one lump sum.

I can't easily afford it, but it's about more than the money. I know if they are unforgiving that wont be very pleasant, but tough, what I did wasn't either and may have caused serious hurt.

I dont want to identify myself. I dont want DC to suffer the possible repercussions of that. If it was just me I think I would take the consequences but there is DC to think of now. Have worked hard to be a good Mum and dont want to throw it all away.

OP posts:
LouMacca · 22/02/2011 14:46

Good luck OP. Keep us posted.

lesley33 · 22/02/2011 15:21

Don't assume they got it back from the bank. I didn't when I had money stolen from my account.

miso · 22/02/2011 15:39

Are you sure the need to give back directly to the person you stole from, and for them to know you've done so, isn't just about making yourself feel better?

Maybe that's too harsh, but if I'd had £200 stolen from me 20 years ago, I'm not even sure I'd want to remember it now. It might even worry me that someone had managed to track me down with enough detail to return the money. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Though do bear PukeyMummy's story in mind as well for a less cynical take on it!

If you know their address, maybe save up the £200 (or the £334 with inflation) & just send them the cash with a brief, anonymous note. Identifying yourself, let alone offering to start some kind of ongoing arrangement where you pay them a few quid every month - I would definitely find that intrusive.

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 22/02/2011 15:44

I think you need to consider more fully how the recipient is going to feel. I can appreciate you are a changed person and are truly sorry for what you did but if I received an anonymous letter apologising for the fact that you stole a significant amount of money from me 20 years ago I would be worried. Worried that you know where I live now.

KTisPG · 22/02/2011 15:54

Is your name Earl????

BeerTricksPotter · 22/02/2011 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 22/02/2011 16:02

I did have a significant sum of money stolen 22 years ago and I wouldn't be worried about the person knowing my address, if they were returning money. After all, if the person who stole was going to be a threat to you, they woukdn't be sending money to you.

loonyrationalist · 22/02/2011 16:06

Are you going to add 20 years of interest too??

20 years ago £200 was worth a lot more than it is now. At a modest 3% interest it would be worth £360 now if it had been sat in the bank.

miso · 22/02/2011 16:48

I would be a bit Hmm though if they said here's £15, I'd like to send you £15 a month for the next 2 years.

Less so, if I got £300 cash sent recorded delivery. OK that might even give me & warm glow.

I still wouldn't want contact though.

Melonballs · 22/02/2011 17:19

If you haven't already contacted there is another way to do this. If someone would be willing to phone on your behalf, to check it is them. If you gave the number to someone from mumsnet then they could honestly say they didn't know you in real life but were acting on your behalf. Once you knew for certain you could send the money and it wouldn't be traced back to you..... or does that sound mad?

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 19:05

No I haven't contacted yet, just got back in the house. You are giving me food for thought here. I do have someone who I think may be willing to act as an intermediary, and this is maybe the best idea.

As is one lump sum - have abandoned idea of sending installents.

Thank you for your input. Having kept this to myself for so long I really needed to hear some impartial views on what I should do.

It's been a reality check, and am more prepared for the likelihood that this person may be freaked out/angry/cold so an intermediate seems like the best idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 19:07

Intermidiary I mean!

OP posts:
Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 19:08

Oh FFS
Intermediary!

OP posts:
CityGirls · 22/02/2011 19:14

Another thought, the person you stole from may get slightly freaked at the thought you know where they live after all this time. They are bound to wonder how you found them and what lengths you went to in order to find this information. They may even wonder if you're targeting them for crime again!!!

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 19:16

Good point. (I know someone said similar before)
And somewhat depressing. Sad

OP posts:
smokingnuns · 22/02/2011 21:26

I would anonymously type a frank and honest letter, once you are sure it is the right person, explaining what you have told us. If you can afford it I would give the same amount + inflation + a goodwill sum for the injury caused. Though I think the amount you decide to send is immaterial (don't send what you can't afford) as the money was very probably reimbursed by the bank at the time - it is the gesture that is worth the most imo, for both of you. Work out how much you honestly feel, in your heart of hearts, would cover the debt you owe and send that. If you feel that the amount to cover your debt runs into the thousands then that may indicate you are carrying a disproportionate amount of guilt and need to forgive yourself! You are a different person now, forgive the kid who did it because she didn't know any better at the time.

I do think it is important to give it to the person you stole from and not give it to charity - s/he won't have forgotten and even if the money was reimbursed by the bank, it is an appropriately personal gesture between you both imo.

princessparty · 24/02/2011 21:49

I would leave it, I really would.At best it will just sound like you are trying to salve your own conscience at worst make re-awaken feelings of anger in the victime, or even scare them .

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 24/02/2011 23:52

Still trying to sort something out. Not done anything yet. Really don't want to freak this person out or dig up painful memories.
A shame I am not a media whore, it would be so easy to start an internet campaign appealing for this person to get in touch (anonymously obv), but as we have witnessed recently these things can take on a life of their own and I have no interest in fame or notoriety, and I wouldn't want anyone else dragged into it and have their privacy invaded.
Just trying to think of a solution. If I didnt have DC I would walk into police station and give myself up, seriously! (yes i know this would be barking)

OP posts:
iscream · 25/02/2011 06:24

Confirm it is them, then send the money with a letter of apology. I would do it even if they had been paid by the bank. They were a crime victim and probably had been very upset at the time.
I am pretty sure when they receive your letter, they will be astonished! And any bad feelings will be put aside. I think it is great that you want to do this, it proves you really regret doing it.

FattyArbuckel · 25/02/2011 08:13

I think your victim of crime will be delighted to get her money back, even 20 years on. Send with a brief note to explain what the money is for, job done, you can move forward and she will have a warm glow!