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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Track Down The Stranger I Stole From And Say Sorry

111 replies

YouCouldntMakeItup · 21/02/2011 21:47

...20 years later?

Namechanged obv.

I was a teenager and I committed bank card fraud. Could never do anything like that now. The person has quite a unique name and I may have found them on 192.com. I would offer to pay back the money whether or not the bank refunded it.
That is another reason I am posting, to find out if it is likely that the person got the money back, because it was over £200.

OP posts:
Cheeruploveitmightneverhappen · 21/02/2011 22:08

Oh just send it anonymously, I like the mystery benefactor idea.

It'll be a weight off your mind and you can finally get it off your conscience.

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 21/02/2011 22:10

My aim was to contact the person anonymously, by phone, and offer to pay a set amount every month.

I dont work, btw, I am SAHM so not much money. Doesn't matter tho, will still find it as it feels like only/right thing to do.

OP posts:
coinoperatedgirl · 21/02/2011 22:11

If you are sure it's the right person, then maybe send a letter? You could include the cash, but anonymously, even if it was the wrong person, I'm sure they would be delighted to receive cash through the post, therefore karma balanced Grin.

springbokdoc · 21/02/2011 22:11

It's very honorable thing to do - it shows that you have changed that you are thinking about this so many years on.

I would donate it to charity tho - you can't be sure it's the same person and you don;t know what type of person they are. If the person who used my account fraudently found me I wouldn't shop them but you don;t know the person might and then where would you be?

MisSalLaneous · 21/02/2011 22:16

Uhm, just remember that, should you speak to the person in question and you agree that you will repay him / her, that they might require the current equivalent. Estimate here

Nothing wrong with that, that is what you would really owe them if the bank didn't refund the money, but I just don't want you to be shocked if they say that.

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 21/02/2011 22:16

Cant post again tonight as have to go to bed, but really appreciate your responses, was expecting a roasting!

if anyone can tell me whether the bank would have refunded the money, given the way I went about it, that would be great.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 21/02/2011 22:18

Sorry, I don't know wrt stolen pin. But don't beat yourself up too much. People change. You've clearly changed for the better and sounds lovely.

Underachieving · 21/02/2011 22:20

I'm pretty confident they would have refunded it easily and quickly. The defrauded person would have contacted them to say WTF happened to my £200 and the bank would have then checked the signature and found it didn't match, so it was fraud. In fact the victim would have had to sign something to open the account so showing that the signature wasn't thier own would've been relatively easy.

SueWhite · 21/02/2011 22:22

Don't be so daft - what did you nick, a few hundred quid? The bank will have reimbursed them. I doubt it would have 'caused a lot of hurt' or whatever. My card got hacked and I had some money taken. Bank gave it back. Can't say I was really that upset.

Return it anonymously if you really want

femalevictormeldrew · 21/02/2011 22:27

Can you send them a note with it and let them know it was you that did it and apologise (and I am sure it would be appreciated very much)

lalamom · 21/02/2011 22:28

I would do it- carefully but do it.

Send a letter and ask to have a phone conversation about it so that you are kind of covered because as long as you are genuinely sorry getting a record over it would be undesirable.

I think it will transform the way you relate to yourself and that is worth a lot.

You are right it is a really wrong thing to have done- so get in touch, come clean and pay the money back then he can decide what he does with the money.

This is not about the money anymore. It is about you knowing yourself all these years to have been a thief and that having been a big part of your identity deep down inside where only you see.

I think you will feel liberated by owning up in person to the person you wronged!

Go for it...with care.

CityGirls · 21/02/2011 22:37

No, don't contact them and don't attempt to give them the money back, it may open a can of worms and you may end up in serious trouble. Donate the money to a charity or worthy cause if you really feel like putting something back.

BigChiefOrganiser · 21/02/2011 22:45

I would do it. You sound like you want to make reparation and your conscience is bothering you. I doubt after 20yrs the police would want to pursue it (disclaimer: not an expert), but even if they did, you would have cleared the debt. I admire you for wanting to do this.

I once broke up with a BF, we had jointly bought some furniture, and I had agreed to pay him for his half of it. When I left I thought sod it, I won't as I'd spend a lot on his house, curtains, paint etc... He showed what a nasty prick he was and got verbally abusive about it all.

However, many years later, I sent a bank cheque to cover what I owed, as I had said that I would pay. I feel at ease with the whole situation now, whereas before it used to bother me now and again.

Original poster
YouCouldntMakeItup · 22/02/2011 09:41

lalamom has it right.

I have no idea how to forgive myself, I am so far away from doing something like that now, and i do feel an apology is owed.

If I could just establish that it was the same person, and send them the money...it would be brilliant and would be a weight off my conscience that i have only really started to acknowledge now but which has troubled me for years.

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 22/02/2011 09:51

it might be just about them. About the same amount of time ago a friend of mine (also with a unique name) had money stolen from his account and I was accused of the crime. Wasn't me, I didn't know who it was but I was interviewed by the police and my work (holiday job) was informed about it. Everyone knew, it was truly awful, I lost friends and a job, although the person whose account it was knew it was not me and so did the police, eventually.

So yes, you could have caused a lot of hurt and I think you should make amends if you can.

NorthernComfort · 22/02/2011 09:56

Phone up and say you're doing a survey about fraud, and ask if they've ever been a victim and did they get the money back? Then return anonymously...

BuzzLiteBeer · 22/02/2011 10:01

yes, make yourself feel better about stealing from them by lying to them, good advice. Hmm

NorthernComfort · 22/02/2011 10:09

I wasn't sure it was brilliant advice but if she's hell bent on doing it she could do with knowing whether a) it's the right person and b) if they got the money back...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/02/2011 10:38

Good on you, YouCouldntMakeItUp... you're a changed person and you can be at peace with yourself.

Another one here who thinks that it would serve no purpose for you to get yourself into trouble now. You want to make amends so what about giving this person (anonymously) the money that you stole, writing a nice letter about how you've turned your life around - and give the same amount to a charity that you believe in, if you can afford to do that, or put in some time as a volunteer.

If the person's name is that unusual, you know you'll have the right one. You shouldn't need validation by trying to prompt a response from them. Just know in your heart that YOU will have done what's right and that you'll never be the person you were again.

Edinburghlass · 22/02/2011 13:09

How nice that you want to do that. If it were me I'd be tempted to use cash to buy gift cards and send them to him in instalments, with no return address. Think you're hoping he will forgive you, but you might open a can of worms if you make contact with him and I'd say best to let that go. If it's not him, you'll never know that you sent the money to the wrong person and a stranger will get a lovely surprise.

lesley33 · 22/02/2011 13:20

Bank won't necessarily have covered it. You could be writing about me, especially as I have an unusual name! I had money stolen through a card years ago. Because I had lived in a shared house and other people had access to my mail (they stole my new card and letter with pin no), the bank refused to refund it.

I had very little money and this really made my life very difficult at that time. Had to take out an expensive loan to cope.

You could refund it with an anonymous note saying that you stole it, you are sorry and now want to refund it. If the person who stole money off me did this, it would make a real difference. Its not just the money (although that would be helpful). Its also knowing that someone who treated you badly genuinely regrets this. I have suspicions about who stole my money, but no proof so police didn't do anything. Although like you the police did interview the two people I suspected.

If it is anonymous and you don't put your name and address on it; I don't see how this could get you into trouble. Even if the person went to the police, there would be no evidence to prosecute you. After all the police aren't going to pay for handwriting analysis to solve this crime! I wouldn't go to the police and TBH I can't imagine that anyone would. But even if they did, nothing would happen to you.

Don't just give it to charity. That might help you feel better; but it doesn't make things up to the person you stole from. And no they won't have forgotten it. You don't forget when bad things happen to you.

AKMD · 22/02/2011 13:21

I would do it. 20 years is an awfully long time to have something playing on your conscience.

I would pay the full amount that you owe in one go (as MisSalLaneous says above, you owe more than £200 at today?s rates so check out that link to see what you actually owe) and enclose a letter saying what you did and how you have been sorry for it, how you have changed as a result and how you are now.

Make sure you discuss the anonymity question with your OH. If you choose to identify yourself, you need to be prepared for the possible legal repercussions and the effect that these will have on your family. I wouldn?t report you to the police and I can?t think of anyone I know who would in these circumstances but that?s not to say that the person you stole from won?t. If you choose to remain anonymous, you need to square that with yourself as this is an exercise in two parts: 1) putting right what you did wrong; and 2) taking a big weight off your conscience so that you can get on with your life without past actions hanging over you. If you don't do both, it's a bit pointless really.

In line with (1) you need to make sure it?s going to the right person, so call ahead and make sure. I?m not sure why people are bringing up that the person might be horrible; what has that got to do with anything?

Don?t give the money to charity; that is not putting what you did right, it is just being generous with someone else?s money.

You really are doing the right thing, good on you :)

lesley33 · 22/02/2011 13:23

BTW the money I had stolen happened 22 years ago. I don't think that it was a long time ago will matter to the person you stole from.

homeboys · 22/02/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PukeyMummy · 22/02/2011 13:28

FWIW, when I was a student years ago someone stole my purse. It didn't have much money in it, thank goodness, because I was on a very very tight budget, but the cost of replacing all of my cards and buy a new purse really stretched me at the time.

A few years later I received a packet in the mail at my parent's address. It was my purse with all of the cards but no money, and an anonymous letter from the mother of the thief saying that she had found my purse in his/her bedroom and wanted to return it to me and apologise.

I was really touched by that and it gave me "closure" (sorry for the Americanism) on the whole incident.

If I were you, I would try to find a way to stay anonymous but do what you can to make amends.