Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Smokers

113 replies

boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 10:22

My best friend is a heavy smoker and has not stopped going on about how she can't wait to babysit. I'm 37 weeks now and the reality of the baby coming has set in very well and I've realized (not that that I didn't know it before, but suddenly my instincts are much more prominent) that I do not want smoke, second-hand smoke, anyone smelling of smoke anywhere near my child.

I told her that I was not going to let her anywhere near the baby if she smelled of cigarettes even if it's ever so slightly. She was very offended by this and told me that it wasn't going to do the baby any good by "wraping him in cotton wool".

I'm just curious to know hoe other people deal with this issue. Have no doubt, I'm not backing down, my baby-my rules, but how do you keep people from deciding you are going OTT with the protectiveness??

OP posts:

GiddyPickle · 21/02/2011 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 12:22

GP- the problem is that mums want it all ways. They want everyone to comply with their every whim wish re. their PFB's but they also want everyone to fall over themselves to offer support/ babysitting/ cooing etc.

So you can outline your demands but you shouldn't then be offended if people don't want to dance to your tune.

LadyBiscuit · 21/02/2011 12:23

Of course GiddyPickle. However, the best friend is then perfectly entitled to say that she's not going to give up smoking and so therefore will no longer be able to see the OP or meet her baby.

BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 12:23

PLUS when they have the second one they suddenly stop caring and it's soooo annoying when you've done 2 years of whizzing up some organic homemade ketchup for little Casper because he cant be exposed to scummy Heinz stuff

LadyBiscuit · 21/02/2011 12:29

B&T - I didn't bother waiting for the second one. By the time he was about 18 months old I got bored with my 'it must be organic' mantra. He even has the occasional FruitShoot nowadays :o

Rannaldini · 21/02/2011 12:30

hey baggedandtagged you are wise and wonderful

Original poster

boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 12:32

Okay...FOR THE RECORD...my husband's sister's baby died a cot death, so my paranoia might possibly be a little more intense than the average mum's. So, it does happen, it's not a myth. I am perfectly aware that I cannot protect the baby from everything and I certainly won't be making my own ketchup (why would I deny him Heinz?...it's the best?)

My post is about how to deal with my mate, who I would like to be be involved with my child, not car fumes, not household cleaners. How do I keep things sweet with her and still keep smoke smells etc away from my baby. If anyone has successfully dealt with a similar situatio, please let me know.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 21/02/2011 12:36

I don't think you can bbh :(

She probably is going to be sensitive about smoking before holding your baby, especially given you have talked to her (I have always washed my hands/not smoked immediately before holding a baby/taken off my smoking coat etc) but I don't think you can ask her to give up which she would have to do if she were not going to ever smell even a tiny bit of smoke.

gillybean2 · 21/02/2011 12:38

You can't. So you'll have to avoid her and make excuses.
That's what I ended up doing with people.
Even now the smell of cigarette smoke makes me gag and even vomit (became particularly sensitive to it while pregnant).

Annpan88 · 21/02/2011 12:38

OP, I smoked before I was pregnant and I feel exactly the same as you. I know maybe my attitude will change after I face the realities of day to day life with a child (am 38+1 weeks) but as it stands, if a person has a fag and is close with your child after an hour of smoking it isn't good for them. Maybe it is being a bit precious, but it is a fact. I'm sure there a plenty of children who are around smoke and are fine, but if you don't feel comfotbale with it, its your choice. Smoking is dangerous and if your friend wants to hold your baby I think your within your rights to ask that she doesn't smoke for an hour before hand. she doesn't have to hold your child so your not making her stop smoking.

My friends that smoke (pretty much all of them) have not questioned my stance on smoking around the baby.

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 12:40

Just research the subject properly if you haven't already. Read all reports and not just the pro or anti and then make your own mind up weather the 'risk' of having your friend in your babies life is worth it to you.

Personally I think it's strange that we have a smoking ban, we're all very educated and aware about no smoking around children and yet we have the highest asthma rate for children (1 in 8 I think) that we've ever had.

When I was a child people smoked on buses, in restaurants, even in the school playground and staff rooms - yet I can only ever remember 2 children in my whole school who suffered from asthma.

I know this is probably irrelivent to your OP but it makes me think.

mrsscoob · 21/02/2011 12:45

she is your best friend, she is excited about babysitting and is obviously thrilled for you and a good friend. Just tell her what you have told us and admit to her that yeah you are probably being a bit paranoid and over cautious but can she leave it half an hour after having a fag to come and hold the baby? If shes your best friend she should understand and I think thats perfectly reasonable.

I would say though trynot to get to worked up about it, onetoomanycornettos makes an excellent point about smoking. Also the way I look at it they say that a heavy smoker that gives up after a few years has the same risks as a non smoker, I'm not saying that means its right to smoke all over people but I think there is a lot of hysteria around smoking, a tiny whiff of someones clothes once or twice a week I really can't see doing any harm.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 21/02/2011 12:52

don't even get me started! we had to live with family while i was pregnant, who flatly refused to not smoke around me anywhere in the house apart from my own bedroom, and i even had to fight for that. 'my house, so i'll smoke where i want' which was completely true, hence me spending pretty much 9months shut in the bedroom! yes it was their house, but i'd like to have thought that there would be SOME compromise for the health of an unborn baby.

i don't think YABU at all OP. to the people asking if you are willing to risk losing a friend, personally i wouldn't want a friend that couldn't put a stinking habit on hold for just couple of hours for the sake of my child's health.

halfcaff · 21/02/2011 12:56

I didn't want/need a babysitter for at least 6 months, so no problem there. I would definitely say with a baby under one who is statistically more likely to die from exposure to cigarette toxins (so irrelevant to say 'it's never done my 5 any harm' etc) You can't actually see what long-term harm is being caused. Unless you have x-ray vision.

halfcaff · 21/02/2011 12:59

Sorry, didn't finish my sentence properly then! I would definitely say that someone having close contact with an under-one should not have smoked in the last hour or so, and should have washed their hands and changed their clothes after smoking. They could try nicotine gum or something couldn't they? There was a similar thread the other day about a grandmother, I seem to remember. I think it has to be your baby yuor rules but no need to fall out over it.

Rannaldini · 21/02/2011 13:00

I don't think that anyone would imagine that cot death was a myth
I'm sorry to hear about your sil's loss.

Your friend probably has a more normal view on the dangers of her clothing smelling of smoke than you do. That is why I asked if your pfb has leaked into other areas of your pregnancy.
If it hasn't, then why particularly are you focusing on the smell of smoke on clothing?

I think that you are trying to be controlling and that that is fine as long as you are aware of it and it's repercussions.

As a friend if you had been very anxious about every environmental aspect and factor during your pregnancy I would accept your attitude toward the smell of my clothing better than if this were your one focus.
I would hope that you would get some help so that you were able to focus better on enjoying being a mother.

If I thought that you had simply decided that the smell of smoke on my clothing was a non negotiable without any sensible reasoning whilst still exposing your child to many other "harmful" factors then I'd probably think I were well shot of you and your little bundle

Original poster

boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 13:14

Rannaldini
"I would hope that you would get some help so that you were able to focus better on enjoying being a mother"??

Thank you. I think now though, through reading your posts, I have all the help I will need.

OP posts:

Rannaldini · 21/02/2011 13:18

read it again

ben5 · 21/02/2011 13:28

you want the best for your child. second hand smoke isn't good for your child. tell your friend if she wants to visit not to smoke 20 minutes before seeing you both. if she can't do this than not your loss.

SardineJam · 21/02/2011 13:32

I will not let DS stay over at MILs because she smokes, her loss really - i don't want DS exposed to smoke, YANBU, your baby's health should be paramount

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/02/2011 14:18

SardineJam... it's actually his loss as well and if you and MIL can't arrange it between you about reducing DS's exposure, then he's the one that will suffer as he grows up. :(

lospolloshermanos · 21/02/2011 14:45

I feel for you, I was in this sitwith my FIL

aslong as they don't smoke near the child, in the house etc

LadyOfTheManor · 21/02/2011 14:53

Third hand smoke is indeed a serious offence.

I was a smoker, yet quit when I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy the smell of smoke made me sick so I avoided most smokers.

When my ds was born I wouldn't let my dsister and dbil anywhere near him if they'd been smoking, unless they removed their smoking clothes.

I started to smoke again after I finished breastfeeding, and I only smoke when he's in bed in a jacket specifically designed for the purpose.

ShirleyKnot · 21/02/2011 14:54

A smoking jacket?

LadyOfTheManor · 21/02/2011 14:55

Ha ha ha. No not a velvet one.

Just a fleece for smoking in!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5