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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smokers

113 replies

boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 10:22

My best friend is a heavy smoker and has not stopped going on about how she can't wait to babysit. I'm 37 weeks now and the reality of the baby coming has set in very well and I've realized (not that that I didn't know it before, but suddenly my instincts are much more prominent) that I do not want smoke, second-hand smoke, anyone smelling of smoke anywhere near my child.

I told her that I was not going to let her anywhere near the baby if she smelled of cigarettes even if it's ever so slightly. She was very offended by this and told me that it wasn't going to do the baby any good by "wraping him in cotton wool".

I'm just curious to know hoe other people deal with this issue. Have no doubt, I'm not backing down, my baby-my rules, but how do you keep people from deciding you are going OTT with the protectiveness??

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 21/02/2011 11:45

I think the operative word in Stranded's link is could

Personally I think the level of hysteria about cigarette smoke in the UK is entirely out of proportion to the risks but I appreciate that's not a very popular view.

take5 · 21/02/2011 11:46

if it was me i would respect your wishes we are all different we just want whats best for our kids

snala · 21/02/2011 11:46

YANBU I have kept my 2 smoke free.

My dad smokes - outside, changes his top and washes hands before being with the children. He will also wait 10 min or so.

Tis common sense no?

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 11:49

What exactly are you asking her to do OP?

You said you were a light smoker and found it very easy to give up because you had a reason ie your pregnancy.

She is a heavy smoker and is not pregnant. Are you seriously asking her to quit her smoking habit so she can hold your baby?

When you smoked, did you hold anyone else's baby?

GiddyPickle · 21/02/2011 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rannaldini · 21/02/2011 11:49

it is about controlling other people

it is about controlling your best friend over how she smells

she will rightly want to know about the other changes you have made to protect the child you are growing

obviously no diet coke whilst preg, nothing with aspartame
you will have changed all your household cleaning products
def your personal
never put petrol in the car

so many things to worry about!! but i'm sure you've done all these things before tackling your best friend

BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 11:51

But unless the friend quits smoking altogether, she's always going to slightly smell of fag smoke, which is a bit of a demand to make of anyone.

"As for being 'so desperate for anyone to babysit', well, that has not been my experience at all." Great if you're spoilt for choice, but all I'm saying is best not to turn the Dijons down before you find out how many of the "OMG, you're pregnant, I'm so excited. I'll babysit all the time" promises actually turn out to be genuine and how many are "This offer is restricted to monday nights between 7-9pm and may be withdrawn at any time."

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 11:51

You don't keep people from deciding that you're going OTT with protectiveness. They will decide that regardless.

All you can do is make a decision and tell them that the subject is closed if you don't want to discuss it and are convinced you're right on the issue.

Your particular situation isn't one which would overly bother me and I do think that you and others on here are OTT but it cleary does concern you and as you say, your baby, your rules.

Almost6... you get pet owners to take jumpers off and wash their hands... why? Is your baby allergic to pet fur or is this just a rule regardless?

And does this only apply to those who come in wanting to hold your baby? Would it, for example apply to me if I were a neighbour and just popped in to help you out with something or if I were an electrician fixing your fusebox?

Original poster
boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 11:52

Eaxctly...Do what you want, I'm not criticizing her as a smoker (there are days when I wake up wishing I could grab a cuppa, a fag and go out in the garden in the crisp morning) but please don't expose my baby to it, that is not too much to ask.

Anyway, maybe I should have chosen a more appropriate subject line for this post! It's not meant to be a gripe on smokers, just a question on how to deal with this situation with my mate.

OP posts:
take5 · 21/02/2011 11:55

changing your clothes im sorry but i think thats a bit OTT

Original poster
boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 11:55

worraliberty I'm not asking her to quit, just that she not smell of it when she comes to see that baby...be it a fresh change of clothes, not having a fag on the way to my house, or whatever needs to be done to not smell of cigarettes.

OP posts:
snala · 21/02/2011 11:56

Taking a jumper or outer coat/shirt off is hardly a major task Hmm

Onetoomanycornettos · 21/02/2011 12:00

LadyBiscuit, I agree there is a hysteria around second/third hand smoke. A recent House of Lords report concluded that there was a complete overestimation of the risk of second hand smoke, and some quite well-known smoking researchers privately acknowledge that the risks are very low for the general population. I say this as someone who has never smoked, but knows a bit about the research. The exception to this is that it does increase the risk of things like glue ear and asthma in children, if they have a heavily smoking parent in the house. If she is not smoking around the child, and takes care not to wear stinky clothes (as I'm sure she does) and sees her once a week, there's simply very little risk.

In the war, 80% of men smoked. If you are over 40 you will remember adults smelling of smoke all the time! Mysteriously we did not all drop down contaminated by third-hand smoke at all. It became obvious that it is first=hand smoking that is highly dangerous, one in two die of their smoking. But even then it takes thirty/forty years for the effects to show, and even living with a heavy smoker breathing it in all day and night only slighly increases the risk of a heart attack or stroke, and that's for the highest risk partners of all.

If you are going to cut out a good loving supportive friend for her smoking habit, go right ahead. You may also want to cut out any overweight or obese friends (as obesity clusters in friendship groups). Of course, this would all be much more beneficial than having a network of loving supportive adults around your child who are prepared to build relationships and help out.

AlaskaHQ · 21/02/2011 12:00

You can get very sensitive to baby smells as a new mum, especially pre-weaning. I could tell instantly when DS had had a few bottles of formula, whilst my mother had him to stay aged 2 months, when I had horrendous flu (she used the expressed milk I had saved up first, but then he had to have a day of formula, before I was well enough to see him again).

Sorry - this may seem off message, but basically if I could smell the difference hugging my baby between him drinking breast milk or drinking formula, I can't start to imagine how much I would have hated him smelling of even the tiniest hint of second-hand smoke.

BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 12:03

Snala- but that's not what the OP is saying. She's saying the friend must not smell even slightly of cigarette smoke, so she'd have to have a shower, wash her hair, change her clothes and then go round immediately and not smoke till afterwards.

I have quite a few friends who smoke. They dont smoke when DS is there but I wouldnt ask them to change before they held him or desist from smoking outside if we're (eg) in a restaurant. I do live in the air pollution capital of the world though so maybe I'm just resigned to it not making much difference in the scheme of things.

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 12:04

worraliberty I'm not asking her to quit, just that she not smell of it when she comes to see that baby...be it a fresh change of clothes, not having a fag on the way to my house, or whatever needs to be done to not smell of cigarettes

But she's always going to smell of cigarettes if she smokes.

Almost6 · 21/02/2011 12:04

Only those holding the baby! Animals carry many germs, n you wouldn't touch/ handle animals then prepare food or put ur own hands in ur mouth but, a baby does put hands n things in there mouth so should be kept clean! And i have a dog to.

BluddyMoFo · 21/02/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rannaldini · 21/02/2011 12:05

good point valhalla

people will think you are overprotective, better that you simply start dealing with that

Original poster
boredbuthappy · 21/02/2011 12:06

Okay...let's just say I'm being OTT due to hormones and call it a day, not appreciating the sarcasm in this thread.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 21/02/2011 12:08

Ah, thanks for the explanation, Almost6. :)

Though I must say that as the owner of 3 dogs, several cats and a ferret, a dogwalker/pet carer and a rescuer, you've no idea how many times I (and my rescue volunteer DDs) have handled animals and then eaten... doing what I do in rescue there is often not the time, opportunity or facilities to do anything else. I've had dogs and cats since before the children were born and have never been anywhere near as meticulous as you are. We have yet to suffer yet. :)

Vallhala · 21/02/2011 12:10

Yet to suffer YET??? Pah! What sort of gobbledygook is that!

BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 12:12

Actually, my cat has asked that people do not handle DS and then stroke him. He doesn't like having to get baby sick out of his fur.

lubeybooby · 21/02/2011 12:13

I am a smoker but I would not smoke anywhere near a baby and would do my best to respect your wishes if it was me.

Glamour · 21/02/2011 12:14

i smoke, i smoke outside the house always and put a coat on over my top so the smell dosent make my top stink and wash my hands after every fag, i smoke 10 a day though for a heavy smoker i imagine its harder to keep the smell away though, but i try my hardest to not smell of smoke too much and i make sure other smokers around my DS do the same