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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a relative who smokes 30 a day isn't poor and shouldn't be asking for loans?

50 replies

darleneconnor · 19/02/2011 21:32

Have been having a long-running arguement with relative who's difference between income and outgoings is the amount they spend on fags.

Said relative lost job and is now on benefits, struggling to cope with the change in lifestyle. But while I do have sympathy with her reduced means, I'd feel a whole lot more so if she wasnt sending £200pcm on cigarettes.

She implied that she wanted to borrow money from us, but not only would that have put us into debt, I also dont want to fund her habit.

She has now talked another relative with more money thansense to lend her £2k.

I know it's an addiction and really tough to quit. (She doesnt want to and has no intention of trying) But is this really any different than funding a heroin addiction? (in principle, not practice obv)

OP posts:
tralalala · 19/02/2011 21:36

just say no

twinkytonk · 19/02/2011 21:38

The thing is what she spends her money on is up to her. It is sad that she lost her job and is struggling to cope but she won't stop smoking because of that.
You can't change that fact either.She may well be poor, unfortunately addiction doesn't only pick the rich people.

twinkytonk · 19/02/2011 21:41

Oh and if you don't want to lend her money just say no. You can't stop her asking other people though.

curlymama · 19/02/2011 21:42

You shouldn't have to lend this person money, but it really isn't as simple as 'just give up'.

Presumably this person became addicted to nicotine when it was about half the price it is now, and it sounds like quite a stressful time in their life. Which would make this a very hard time to quit, especially if they don't really want to. It takes a hell of alot of will power, and it simply isn't possible to find that amount of willpower if you don't really really want to give up.

Saying all that though, this person needs to make choices about how to spend their money, without relying on other people. If that means living on beans on toast and turning the heating off and living under blankets so they can still afford to smoke, then so be it. They should not be asking for money from other people.

trixymalixy · 19/02/2011 21:44

A certain member of my family used to always ask me how much my clothes cost, how much x,y and z cost. If it had carried on I was going to start answering her that it cost 10 packets of fags, 20 packets if fags etc.

I think smokers just don't see their smoking habit as costing as much as it actually does, and it is a lot when you actually add it up.

breatheslowly · 19/02/2011 23:07

Twinky - the problem here is that she wants to spend the OP's money on it. Fine spend your own money on fags, but not other people's.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 19/02/2011 23:12

agree just say no - but also suggest if she can't/doesn't want to quit to switch to roll-ups - massively cheaper to smoke. Think £5-6 for a pack of £20 versus £11-12 for a 50g pack that will last a week

lololizzy · 19/02/2011 23:12

Am going to do that too from now on, trixy..this is a real issue with me. Smokers judging my spending, 'what more clothes?' type of thing.

bigbeagleeyes · 19/02/2011 23:13

Tell her to smoke rollies (I spend about a tenner a week and don't know any smoker that buys real ones these days). I'm not advocating smoking by the way But I cannot understand how anyone, working or not, can afford over £5 a day on fags.

lololizzy · 19/02/2011 23:14

I would say wouldn't...but i have done this, many times. And it makes me really cross with myself . and i did it because that was better than being around someone that needs ciggies and can't afford them. Of course..as you don't live with this person, your case is different..so i wouldn't.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 19/02/2011 23:15

that should be pack of 20.

Foreverondiet · 19/02/2011 23:19

Just say no, as it wouldn't be a loan I doubt you'd see the money again.

EightiesChick · 19/02/2011 23:20

It doesn't mean she's not poor. But I would agree with you that she ought to cut down the fags rather than ask for loans. Would she be more motivated if she looked at one of those calculator type things that tell you how much you will have saved if you kept all the money you'd spend on fags in a year?

twinkytonk · 19/02/2011 23:23

breatheslowly - I know but as far as I can see the op hasn't given her any money to do so.
I'm not saying what she is doing is right by any means........if she can't afford stuff she shouldn't get it or get help elsewhere if it's bills. Not ask people for money. She should really try to give up but addiction is a hard thing to break.........all I was saying.

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/02/2011 23:26

Was shocked to see that Silk Cut are £6.75 for 20 in Sainsbos Local.

Your relative is addicted but no, don't feel bad, you do not need to fund that addiction.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/02/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 19/02/2011 23:33

OMG is that really how much cigarettes are these days bibbity Shock!! (I switched to roll-ups about 3 1/2yrs ago and have never looked back and smoke more than about 20 a day).

SugarPasteFrog · 19/02/2011 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EightiesChick · 19/02/2011 23:38

That's over £2K a year then. Shock Would put me off if I smoked.

pinkstinks · 19/02/2011 23:39

roll-ups = win! I smoke around 12.5g a week! Confused
I got bought some sobranie cocktails once, and in the tobacconists the other day they were £8.00 for 20!

EightiesChick · 19/02/2011 23:39

BTW that's assuming £5.50 a day (x365). £6.75 = nearly 2.5K. Shock Shock

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 19/02/2011 23:42

if you want to go really cheap on the baccy front Asda to "Bayleaf" (irrc that's the name) which is about £6 or 7 or 50g.........I think it's just what they swept up off the factory floor personally - but does the job. And it would last a light smoker weeks!

SugarPasteFrog · 19/02/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HHLimbo · 20/02/2011 00:05

YANBU, dont loan the money.

But, nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine so go easy on your relative and try to be supportive (especially if she mentions giving up!)

coccyx · 20/02/2011 06:37

No don't feed her nasty, smelly, cancer inducing habit.

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