I have two actually. 1) DH making me lunch 2) throwing my lunch down the stairs

[SchroedingersCat]

1. I work 8am-1pm (sometimes later) monday - friday in quite a high stress job. I see to 14 month old in the night, who is a night waker and tends to wake at 5am.

DH is stay at home dad, takes DD to school, including preparing lunch box (i normally do half the dressing and clean her teeth/do her hair) and looks after 14 month old DS while I am at work.

This morning, after school run, a friend of his came around with his little girl and they (dads and children) socialised, went to the park and DH attempted to feed a teething boy.

AIBU to expect DH to at least chuck some cheese between 2 slices of bread and butter for me to eat, when I am ravenous after working til 1:20pm today? (or indeed any day i am working?)

1. I was home by 1:45pm, no lunch, stuffed a slice of peanut butter and bread down my neck and fed DS his milk (BF) and had a cuddle with him while he dozed on me. I offered to make lunch and was told 'you don't need to put DS down to make us both lunch'.

At 2:50pm i got ready to get DD from school, go into kitchen and DH has a bowl of hot food, contents unknown, so I sat down in the front room and wait, thinking he has made us both lunch and I have time to stuff a couple of mouthfuls in.

At 3pm he hollared that I need to go get DD, and it transpires this lunch was for him alone. He had meant 'you don't need to make me any lunch so take my time feeding DS'.

As I walk to the stairs a few minutes later (flat, internal private stairs) he thrusts an egg sandwich at me, which i refuse not wanting to eat an uncut runny fried egg sarnie with one hand while driving with the other and after an exchange of 'take it' 'don't want it ' he throws it full force in a pique of anger down the narrow stairs, egg, mayo, bread flying everywhere and landing in numerous places on our pretty new decent stair carpet.

Was He Being Unreasonable, or what this a just reaction to what he perceives as my ungrateful attitude to his 3pm mad grumpy dash to provide me with a sandwich.

(am a name change as DH might or might not be a lurker and knows my name on here).

I think you might want to try communicating more, instead of expecting people to guess what you want and bickering when the inevitable happens.

I would laugh at DH if he thought I should do anything for him. Same the other way as well.

I should get my kids lunch, I may well get DHs but it ie not expected.

I think that sandwich gate at it's heart was a result of you being hungry, tired and irritable and him being frustrated and irritable, and neither of you communicating as well as you could do (as a result of the above). Obviously the sandwich throwing was out of order.

It sounds like the frustrated dh part is difficult to resolve, and you are working on resolving the lack of sleep issue. The bit that should be easiest and quickest to fix is the hungry part.

I'd ask your dh if he could put together something for you when he does your dd's lunch box. If you aren't eating from say 7ish until almost 2, and you are breastfeeding your toddler then no wonder you are hungry and snappy! I'd be dizzy too, and completely unreasonable (and my dh, also a SAHD would not be at all sympathetic!)

Honestly i don't know how people manage this. You work 5 hours between you, you are two adults every afternoon at home and you manage to argue like children about who makes a sandwitch?

People work 10 hours a day, commute 2-3 hours, or ferrying 3 or 4 children to activities and still manage to divide the chores like grown ups.

You both need to sort out your chores and schedules.

I work 9-5 everyday DH works 8:30-5:30 We have to get ourselves and a 3 yr old and a baby out the door by about 7:40am. The children need feeding we go without as haven't got enough time. We have lunch at work which is lucky or we would hardly eat. We all get back in at 6 after I collect DH and DS's from 3 different locations on my home journey. We then bath and bed the kids (luckily they are fed tea at childcare)Then we start to cook our tea which by about 8pm is ready. So by about 8:30pm we can sit down to relax but no... wait... I forgot the washing up, ironing, tidying, paperwork etc!!! So yes I think YABU and need to appreciate the FANTASTIC work-life balance you have. You both need to chill out 1 child at school a 14 month old 1 parent at home all day both at home all afternoon sounds idylic (sp?) get over yourselves and make your own flaming sandwich!!!

Boobalina - why should she have to give up BFing if she doesn't want to? Yes it might be tiring, but surely the answer is for the SAHP to step up a bit more, not just tell her to give up BFing before she's ready.

What nooka said. You were hungry. DP and I both turn into ravening monsters when blood sugar is low.

There is a blanket amnesty for rows and sulks that started when someone was hungry.

YABU to expect him to have lunch waiting for you automatically - perhaps you could ask him if he could make you a sarnie when he makes his and your DCs lunch?

But YANBU to think he would offer to get you some food while he's getting it for himself - if I'm off the kitchen to get myself a snack or a cup of tea, I always ask DH if he wants anything - it's not about gender roles, it's about being reasonably polite to the people you live with!

In this instance you weren't exactly in the wrong. You were busy feeding the baby. You offered to make lunch. Wires got crossed and DH only made lunch for himself - I find that odd, if I make lunch or dinner (and dh hasn't eaten) I'd make it for both of us and my dh does the same, it's just one of those automatic things (IMO) I think he did what my dh would do, got cross at you, then cross at himself and the row. Made a sandwich in an angry/desperate attempt to resolve the situation and then got grumpy when you rejected it.

I suppose what could have been done differently is when he went to the kitchen maybe called through and asked what
was for lunch. Or when you saw him eating, asked if there was any going spare rather than going in the other room and when he thrust the sandwich at you, just taken it and had a proper chat later with him.

It sounds like you guys aren't communicating or clear on who does what. DH and I bicker as we're both convinced we each do more than the other, but we know who does what. If DH is a sahd then I do think he shoud be getting up at night in the week. If you want labour divison, then you do weekends. Again, school run prob should be him both ways and you look after little one in the afternoon while her does that run. If he is making lunch he should make a portion for you to keep for when you get home - what's one more sandwich or extra pasta or whatever, after all?

Have you sorted things out now?

I agree with Laquitar.

What a fuss over a sandwich.

You are showing signs of martyrdom and your dh is clearly resentful about you working while he doesn't (and perhaps you rub his nose in it?)

mrsericnorthman I suggested that as her toddler is of an age where it isnt really neccesary and its also something for OP to be a bloody matyr about.

if she feels she is working her fingers to the bone, etc, this is one way she can get her energy back (and sanity to maybe... who knows)

I think you could make your own sandwich if you wanted one, it's not his job to make your lunch.

But he was completely out of order throwing it down the stairs - I can hardly believe an adult would do something like that, sounds more like something a toddler would do. I can't imagine living with a partner who behaved like that, I would think he was ridiculous and couldn't have any respect for him.

IMO he needs to do the school runs surely? that's why one parents stays at home, their role is to sort out the kids, however it doesn't mean be a skivvy for the other adult in the house, (don't care who it is,) but its seemed to be a lack of communication, TBH if my ex was sat in kitchen eating food i would of just said is there enough for me, i wouldn't of just silently gone and sat in the other room expecting him to present it to me, (i would of starved to death first) but as for throwing sandwich, if it was a one off event i wouldn't worry too much about it, just have a chat when you are both less stressed, my mother has the patience of a saint and even she has thrown the odd meal at my father over the last 40 years (he was being an irritating arse at the time)

i don't think it's ever reasonable to throw stuff in anger. however a lot of us do unreasonable stuff occassionally. did he / has he apologised?

It sounds like you just arent communicating very well with each other.

I think someone already said this but I'll repeat it.

In the OP you said that you ate a peanut butter sandwich? Did you offer to make him anything then?

Why is it ok for you to make something and not ask him but not ok for him to make something and nor ask you? SAHD or not you were perfectly capable of putting together a peanut butter sandwich bug not sone proper lunch?

Interesting how you changed your name. Do you not think he'll recognise the story just because you've changed your name? Or did you change ths contents of the sandwich to protect ths innocent?

Please excuse shocking iPhone typing

just a quick post to respond to something, no time to respond to the lot just yet but...

I did not offer him a peanut butter sarnie. I made him one. And I made my ds one too.

So wait a reply before getting all high and mighty oh ladies who love to rant on AIBU threads!

I shall be back later to respond to the more general posts!

But feel free to bitch away about it all in my absence

fracturedrainbow thank you for taking an interest in whether we actually sorted it out!

We are getting Divorced. Irretrievable breakdown of our marriage. The sarnie was a step to far.

No Seriously. We are doing good. he has not apologised but he has bought me a pile of Giant Quality Street sweets AND put one on top of the fridge so it is soft. And he made me a cake to take to work as friday is cake day. So, all is not lost in our marriage just yet .

And as I have been lazing at work doing nothing very much til 2:30pm and 5pm the last couple of days, the slack part timer that I am, I took my own lunch to work.

"So yes I think YABU and need to appreciate the FANTASTIC work-life balance you have"

Oh I do. Beleive me. That is why I don't want to spend it making my own lunch DH also has a fantastic work life balance so he should not bemoan making me a simple sandwich .

But good for you for being a superwoman. I shall attempt to emulate your super skills.

AND.

I shall give up breastfeeding when I and my son are ready and not before, but thanks for that suggestion.

I think you need to sit down and decide what you expect from eachother, clearly you expect him to be like a 50s housewife and he expects you to work, in a part time job, and still do an equal share. Both expectations seem higher than the other wants to give.

You need to consider, who does childcare, cleaning, cooking, getting up at night.....

Blimey Schroedingers - you should be married to me

I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours - I do all the house/children stuff during the week and always make sure there's dinner for DH when he gets in from work.

Sounds like your DH has a pretty easy job of being a SAHD really with a lot of help from you - not really the norm of stay at home parenting in my experience.

I make sure there's dinner for my DH when he gets in because its a kind thing to do for some-one whose been out of the house all day.

I am a SAHM. My husband works very long hours 5.30am to 7.30pm but still does his share round the house. I am grateful for that but I know he also appreciates the fact that being at home with our DCs can be flaming hard work. I do pretty much all the cooking because I am at home most of the day HOWEVER if I thought for a moment my husband was talking about my duties in the home the way you talk about your DH I would be livid. If it's just a 'simple sandwich' that you are arguing about then, without wanting to sound cruel I genuinely don't see why you didn't just make it yourself. I think the hardest thing to cope with as a SAHP is this sense that because your role does not have a monetary value attached, and nor does it take you out the home in an 'i'm off to the grindstone way' it somehow has less value. I have no idea how much or little work my DH does at his desk all day. I choose to believe him when he tells me but of course he could actually be loafing about eating vending machine fodder and scratching his nuts all day and I'd be none the wiser. If I tell him I haven't had time to do something etc I expect him to accept that too. Just because I am at home he doesn't get to judge my efficiency or productivity by what he thinks he sees when he walks in the door. You work 4 hours a day and whilst I accept that those 4 hours may be incredibly stressful I can assure you that being at home is no breeze either. I am not saying any of this to hurt you but you have asked for posters to be honest. I think you both need to start respecting the roles you each play and accept than when you walk in the door you are no longer at work and he is no longer alone, therefore in theory you can share the day's tasks from then on in. If my DH got this miffed with me over making him a sandwich I'd be seething and whilst I absolutely think yours was wrong to chuck a sarnie down the stairs I think the sense of joint resentment in some of your posts is where the problem lies, not between two pieces of bread.

Enjoy the sweets! And I hope you both manage to talk openly about why you're so frustrated with the situation and each other. You really do have a phenomenal work life balance, it would be a crying shame not to enjoy it more.

I think you were unreasonable to change your name for this post...I think he would recognise himself as the sandwich thrower

YANBU