I have two actually. 1) DH making me lunch 2) throwing my lunch down the stairs

[SchroedingersCat]

1. I work 8am-1pm (sometimes later) monday - friday in quite a high stress job. I see to 14 month old in the night, who is a night waker and tends to wake at 5am.

DH is stay at home dad, takes DD to school, including preparing lunch box (i normally do half the dressing and clean her teeth/do her hair) and looks after 14 month old DS while I am at work.

This morning, after school run, a friend of his came around with his little girl and they (dads and children) socialised, went to the park and DH attempted to feed a teething boy.

AIBU to expect DH to at least chuck some cheese between 2 slices of bread and butter for me to eat, when I am ravenous after working til 1:20pm today? (or indeed any day i am working?)

1. I was home by 1:45pm, no lunch, stuffed a slice of peanut butter and bread down my neck and fed DS his milk (BF) and had a cuddle with him while he dozed on me. I offered to make lunch and was told 'you don't need to put DS down to make us both lunch'.

At 2:50pm i got ready to get DD from school, go into kitchen and DH has a bowl of hot food, contents unknown, so I sat down in the front room and wait, thinking he has made us both lunch and I have time to stuff a couple of mouthfuls in.

At 3pm he hollared that I need to go get DD, and it transpires this lunch was for him alone. He had meant 'you don't need to make me any lunch so take my time feeding DS'.

As I walk to the stairs a few minutes later (flat, internal private stairs) he thrusts an egg sandwich at me, which i refuse not wanting to eat an uncut runny fried egg sarnie with one hand while driving with the other and after an exchange of 'take it' 'don't want it ' he throws it full force in a pique of anger down the narrow stairs, egg, mayo, bread flying everywhere and landing in numerous places on our pretty new decent stair carpet.

Was He Being Unreasonable, or what this a just reaction to what he perceives as my ungrateful attitude to his 3pm mad grumpy dash to provide me with a sandwich.

(am a name change as DH might or might not be a lurker and knows my name on here).

noble always! I would not dream of not making him something!

I am sure he does feel emasculated, but we cannot change our situation instantly so he needs to get on with it how it is while working to change it when we can.

I would have expected DH to say "I've made you a sandwich, sit down and eat it while I fetch DD from school".

I don't understand why you had to rush out to collect dd when you'd been bf and hadn't eaten.

ali exactly, I would not dream of expecting him to do most of the housework etc because he is at home. I do know how hard it can be to look after our lively 14 month old and if the hallway needs hoovering i do it, or clean the kitchen or whatever. in fact I often enjoy doing the kitchen as I like to make it sparkle while listening to music and some 'me' time (ie singing very loudly!).

He gets plenty of time to himself, he relaxes a bit when i get home, but does not just stop. If stuff needs doing he continues to do it/finish the washing whatever, but he also chills too, and we natter while ds feeds. And he goes out a lot at night, while i drag my knackered ass into bed.

SchroedingersCat... Can your DH cook? Or do you think you'd get fried egg sandwiches every day?

1.30pm isn't that late for lunch... your DD is in school and your DS is BFd anyway, which you have to do.

Do you think your DH would be open to a chat about doing stuff for each other and maybe eating lunch together? It seems a shame when you've got a lot of time to be together, I have to admit that I'd be very unhappy if my husband didn't consider asking me if I wanted something when he was doing it for himself.

Good for you not having a major commute... that's what life's all about. :)

Sorry Mrs B

Well at the risk of pushing unsolicited advice, I'd urge the volunteering thing. My DP is quite a drifter by nature - sensitive and bright but not very motivated - but finding a passion for something he loves (nature conservation) has really changed his life. Plus doing something worthwhile, helping people, having people rely on you, has an immense emotional value that I think lots of people don't appreciate till they volunteer.

Anywho, have a glass of . If you don't want it, I promise not to chuck it at you....

Do it more pointedly from now on then, shame him into offering.

Perhaps when you chat about it then you need to point out that you didn't expect him to make you lunch because you're the breadwinner and that's now his role, but because it's good manners and also only reasonable given the situation.

lying it is what life is about. I don't see why we should have to both work stupid hours if we don't have to (or why i should be expected to justify why we don't tbh) and we do make sacrifices for it. We live to our means, we have little/virtually no spare income and live minimally. But that is fine with us. We have sacrificed money for the beach/the woods/no commute.

But I STILL work fucking hard for my money in those measly 5 hours (or more if a known dv perpetrator has attempted to chuck his wife out of a window for example )

revolting he was made redundant rom voluntary org due to loss of funding. not sure how much value he will feel working for similar charities for nought! but, he does want to do other types of work experience.

I don't think YUBU in thinking that your dh could rustle you up everyones lunch if you've been getting up during the night THEN going to work. It's not like you (seem) to expect a lavish spread. And he was VU to throw the sandwich.

Forgive me though but I've giggled at your "Name change because I'm not sure if he lurks and knows my username". I think the title of your thread would give the game away at least (!) unless throwing egg sandwiches down a flight of stairs is a national phenomenon that has passed me by of late?

Well, as long as you are fully supporting yourselves and not recieving any benefits, I agree, you don't have to justify it at all. If that's the case, good on you. I'm just jealous!

well, i don't think he knows how to look at active convo's but might see my other name by glancing. I don't think he is a serial stalker, just takes a peek at what he is not part of...

abbier any benefits? none at all? no CTC or child benefit? blimey i would need to be on an amazing wage in the southwest to earn enough not to qualify for some benefits!

and everything has a price.

We live in a flat, for example. DH cannot get work easily. We only spend what we can afford so very little in the way of holidays, luxury items. we pay horrendous water rates! it is not for everyone, even with beaches in the summer.

Well there are some that absolutely everyone gets, but if you qualify for extras due to low income, and have the option to work instead, then I think you should be working. If working is an option, of course.

abbier, that is a different thread methinks

Right, I am off to bed. I have had both children awake on and off this evening, unusually, and I am awake later than normal!

So thanks for the advice and thought provoking opinions!

You're right, it is. Didn't mean to hijack. Sorry. I genuinely am just jealous, you know!

A couple of things strike me. Firstly , I think it's a bit out of order for posters to suggest that because your job is part-time rather than full-time, you are unreasonable to have expectations about what they SAH partner should do. You're working, and OK you get home earlier than most people; you also start earlier than a lot of people.

I agree with Alibaba in that the SAHP should not become a slave to the WOHP, but in your case it appears that the division of tasks could be better arranged- and you need to discuss this, because as the sole WOH partner you still seem to be dealing with a lot of sleep issues and child care. Looking after very small children can be a full-time job in itself, leaving little opportunity to do housework, but it doesn't sound as though you are placing unrealistic expectations of your DH on that front. And you're not expecting him to make your lunch because you are bringing home the bacon- it would just be considerate of him to do it as he's making his own anyway, and you are attending to the baby.

I think you need an agreement about who does what. Lunchgate seems to stem from breakdowns in communication- and these are always harder to deal with when you are sleep deprived and hungry.

The length of time it takes to stuff cheese between bread, I think you can manage that after working a PT job. If they usually eat at 12.30 and you don't get home until at least an hour later, what is the point of him making you anything that would likely become stale, then you'd be back here asking if YABU about expecting him making it fresh. If it was something hot, then maybe leave a bit on the stove to re-heat quickly. YABU though because your actions of going back to the front room and waiting and not politely asking if he made enough for you means you completely expect it. Maybe he thought the sandwich you already ate an hour previous was what you wanted and sufficient until dinner. You should have graciously said thank you for the egg sandwich, grabbed a napkin/paper towel, as it was something different than what he made, so he did go out of his way to make you something in the end, and although I can sort of understand him throwing the sandwich in frustration, that was unreasonable and childish.

I do think though he should be doing school run both times of the day for the most part. At least then you can get DS BF and take a wee nap yourself.

Mountains from molehills.

I think you need to see the bigger picture - you do work PT, make your own lunch then you get home or make it in the morning, if BF your 14 MONTH OLD toddler is tiring then stop.

He threw the sandwhich probably because of your TONE

I'm sorry but I work 4 days a week - 36 hours, my job is very stressfull also, I have two kids, I do the school run, No one cooks for me - I am single parent.

Quit whining

maybe he thought you had eaten your lunch.. when you were eating the peanut butter sandwich... (did you make him one too?)

When it's going to be a really hot day here (anything around 35o +) dh starts work at 6 & is home at 2. He makes his own lunch. I don't even think about doing it while doing mine & dd's, because 1] he never knows what he wants & 2] he wouldn't expect it.

I think YABU for thinking he should do it & he was bu for throwing sandwich.

In future, why not call him & ask if he is able to prepare something for you, as you will be home in x minutes. But really, takes me a few minutes to throw some food in between a couple of slices of bread. It's not a forte of the sahp!

I clearly live in the 1950s. I make the lunches the night before, I make sure dh has lunch (if he comes home for it) and I always prepare supper (4 evenings of the week I have gym classes so I prepare a meal before I go for him).

I work from home, he works out of the home, I have my ds (nearly 1) around my ankles. It's easier for me to prepare the meals/clean the home than to expect him to do it when he gets home from working.

Sorry, have not read the entire thread yet but the first answer puzzled me si I have to ask,

Sorry but why would he make you lunch? Make your own.

Do people really cook just for themselves when they have a family and let the other one sort themselves something to eat? If so, why? It does not take that much longetr to cook enough for 2 people does it?

Something struck me reading this. There have been a few threads recently complaining about the lack of assistance from the WOHP once they arrive home - the feeling that the WOHP job is done once they arrive while the SAHP is expected to keep going. These complaints are nearly always met with "don't do anything for then - do your own washing, make your own lunch, don't clean up after them" etc etc. This SAHP has done just that (i.e. made his own lunch) and suddenly it's a rude thing to be doing? Perhaps he feels undervalued at home also?

FWIW I think you were both unreasonable - you for the expectations over lunch and then for having a hissy fit when he hastily made you something and him for throwing said sandwich down the stairs.

I am in a similar situation - I work 60+h/week (2 jobs) in a very highly stressful job and my husband is a SAHD. Before we started all this we had a talk about how role reversal was going to affect us (the few squabbles we've had have been because I am not so secretly jealous of him staying at home with the boys and he likewise would prefer a salaried job) and how we were going to split household tasks. I think, OP, you and your husband need a similar sort of chat.

That said, in our house if either were in the kitchen making tea/snacks we would always offer to make something for the other.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other. It was lovely of him to get you chocolates!