I have two actually. 1) DH making me lunch 2) throwing my lunch down the stairs

[SchroedingersCat]

1. I work 8am-1pm (sometimes later) monday - friday in quite a high stress job. I see to 14 month old in the night, who is a night waker and tends to wake at 5am.

DH is stay at home dad, takes DD to school, including preparing lunch box (i normally do half the dressing and clean her teeth/do her hair) and looks after 14 month old DS while I am at work.

This morning, after school run, a friend of his came around with his little girl and they (dads and children) socialised, went to the park and DH attempted to feed a teething boy.

AIBU to expect DH to at least chuck some cheese between 2 slices of bread and butter for me to eat, when I am ravenous after working til 1:20pm today? (or indeed any day i am working?)

1. I was home by 1:45pm, no lunch, stuffed a slice of peanut butter and bread down my neck and fed DS his milk (BF) and had a cuddle with him while he dozed on me. I offered to make lunch and was told 'you don't need to put DS down to make us both lunch'.

At 2:50pm i got ready to get DD from school, go into kitchen and DH has a bowl of hot food, contents unknown, so I sat down in the front room and wait, thinking he has made us both lunch and I have time to stuff a couple of mouthfuls in.

At 3pm he hollared that I need to go get DD, and it transpires this lunch was for him alone. He had meant 'you don't need to make me any lunch so take my time feeding DS'.

As I walk to the stairs a few minutes later (flat, internal private stairs) he thrusts an egg sandwich at me, which i refuse not wanting to eat an uncut runny fried egg sarnie with one hand while driving with the other and after an exchange of 'take it' 'don't want it ' he throws it full force in a pique of anger down the narrow stairs, egg, mayo, bread flying everywhere and landing in numerous places on our pretty new decent stair carpet.

Was He Being Unreasonable, or what this a just reaction to what he perceives as my ungrateful attitude to his 3pm mad grumpy dash to provide me with a sandwich.

(am a name change as DH might or might not be a lurker and knows my name on here).

YANBU - to my mind it is nothing to do with 'division of labour' or expectations - surely just a natural instinct to want to provide for one another? eg on my off days I make DH a cuppa as soon as he comes home, on my work days he gets home first and makes me one when I get in. It has nothing to do with him having to 'drop everything' - all you are asking for is to be included in what he is already making for himself and/or DCs.

I think you're both as bad as each other. You clearly have different expectations over who is responsible for certain tasks. I know you want opinions, but coming on Mumsnet instead of actually sitting down and TALKING to each other, isn't really going to help.

That said, he was BU for not asking if you wanted something to eat when he was already making something. I think you're BU to expect lunch made for you though, but you need to TALK about it. And he was BU for having a toddler tantrum and chucking the sandwich.

I think it's odd that he didn't even offer to make her lunch. Neither DH nor I would dream of making lunch without offering to make something for the other person - isn't that just common courtesy? We're talking partners, not colleagues.

Oh behave stifler you know if it was the other way around it would be a shit-storm in a teacup they were both in the wrong and need to talk about expectations..don't presume someone makes you lunch because they are at home...talk about it like friggin adults!

I had a feeling I might be being unreasonable about expecting him to make me lunch. I shall from now on make my lunch in the evenings and take it with me/eat at work (by 1:30pm I am starving).

But I am pleased that many think he was unreasonable about throwing the sarnie down the stairs.

Makes us even then and I shall eat the Giant Quality Street he bought me as an apology before he went out. Even though he did not actually apologise.

teenybitsad DS no longer feeds in the night, but has a habit as a consequence of this, we are working on it and getting there slowly, its just taking time. He has a feed first thing (not before 6am) some afternoons and before bed more often than not. A whole different thread about our sleep issues. Beleive me, I have tried to get my DH to help at night but a) he is a Bad Person in the night time and b) he sleeps through anything, does not hear him. A shove in the ribs causes arguments all of it's own

He is a SAHD but you get up in the night, you do the running around at pick up time and he throws a tantrum when you dont want to eat something when you are driving?

sounds like a bit of an arsehole tbh.

And no, it wouldnt kill him to make a sandwich for when you get in, but perhaps it hasnt occured to him and you should ask him if he would instead of expecting him to just know?

So why isn't he doing night feeds and school run?

Not exactly a SAHD is he? If he was then he would be doing all the kid care...I get that you want to do some too...but he should be first port of call.

I think that if you are making lunch for yourself you should offer to make lunch for your other half. Not to do so is just selfish. However he may not have realised that you hadn't eaten and thought you were just offering to make HIM lunch.

YABU to expect him to make you lunch, and I'm not surprised he was angry to have his sandwich spurned after he made it, doubtless feeling bad that he didn't make you something earlier. He shouldn't have thrown it down the stairs, but he probably feels like he can't win. Go and say sorry and be kind to each other.

I think if you are breastfeeding he should make you lunch.

If he is making lunch for himself he should at least offer you some.

Whether he should make you lunch everyday depends on what division of labour there is in the afternoon with children. If you always come in and get on with breastfeeding straight away I think he should have some lunch ready. If not, then, as he has already eaten, you should make your own lunch.

While you are feeding, does he get a break or get on with other stuff?

What is the division of labour like in the evenings? Do you get any time off?

If my DH was making a sandwich or lunch for himself and DCs, he would automatically make one for me as well. So don't think the OP is BU.

What about the school run? Do you do that everyday?

x posts....he souls STILL be getting up at night. Why are you putting up with that!?

TBH, I don´t see why OP´s husband shouldn´t get her lunch.

She earns enough for him to stay at home, helps get daughter ready for school & gets up in the night for the toddler.

seems he looks after toddler whilst OP works & then it´s all handed over to her.

stiflers
'he is a selfih sod who made himself a hot dinner and then tried to paper over his appalling lack of manners by pressenting her with a dripping shit sarnie as she was heading out of the door - then he threw it, in temper

I would have tripped the cunt up and rubbed his nose in it'

that was how i saw it.

And just so you all know. I am calm. I will talk to him about it tomorrow over a nice calm morning cup of coffee as he is out watching footie. We have not split up you know I am just rather annoyed that he chucked the sarnie. The rest, would probably have got over.

I'm not sure why some people are saying the SAHD should do the school run when neither of them are working at that point. Isn't the suggestion usually that there should be an equal division of chores once both are home?

teeny because I cannot bear 4am arguments. They last all morning and then I have to go to work on a huge downer. My work is depressing enough as it is half the time without that!

He is how he is at night, I sort of accept that now. He does other things which make up for it. Just not my lunch

(not the arguments last all morning but the negativity that comes from middle of the night tension)

Yes he should be doing school run too , not everyday but some days

I am saying if they didn't talk about it first then she is BU..she knows her partner and she should be reasonable with her expectations and be straight...if you want him to make you a sandwich friggin TALK to him about it!..try saying 'when you make lunch for you and the children would you russle up something for me too I'm ravenous when I get in from work!'..I really appreciate what you do and I love your sarnies..end of...some people expect something they have never even discussed??

I'm wondering what's going on with your communication - lots of assumptions and misunderstandings and expectations that don't get met - and it could all be sorted if you talked about it.

My DH is a SAHD and I work f/t. He makes me a cup of tea when I get in and he always cooks. He likes doing it but I don't expect it.

OTOH I think you should make sure you get a chance to grab something half way through your morning at work because I would be grumpy as hell if I didn't eat at all between 8am and 1pm.

Oh and he was a total complete arse to throw the sandwich. And he should be doing the school run at least half the time.

"I'm not sure why some people are saying the SAHD should do the school run"

Perhaps because by then he was fed & rested & OP had only been in an our & had BF toddler & had had no lunch?

YABU.

I think this was miscommunication. He probably meant 'don't get up to make lunch for both of us, I will eat now and you can eat later, no rush'. What you heard was 'don't get up to make lunch, I WILL MAKE IT'. He has never actually said he was making lunch. Don't you sometimes have your own lunch even if you are both at home? That happens in our house with no hard feelings.

So when he saw you was upset he made a sandwich for you - obviously he was feeling guilty and is not that horrible! - and then throws it when you refuse it. A bit OTT reaction but quite understandable I bet he felt like shit.

None of you sounds horrible, you just need to talk and clear the air in my opinion.

noble i would not want DH to do the return school run, it is my choice to do it, it is important for me to pick her up from school. Occasionally DH has to do it if I work late, sometimes DS is asleep on me and I can't, but mostly I like to be there when she comes out.

an hour