I have two actually. 1) DH making me lunch 2) throwing my lunch down the stairs

[SchroedingersCat]

1. I work 8am-1pm (sometimes later) monday - friday in quite a high stress job. I see to 14 month old in the night, who is a night waker and tends to wake at 5am.

DH is stay at home dad, takes DD to school, including preparing lunch box (i normally do half the dressing and clean her teeth/do her hair) and looks after 14 month old DS while I am at work.

This morning, after school run, a friend of his came around with his little girl and they (dads and children) socialised, went to the park and DH attempted to feed a teething boy.

AIBU to expect DH to at least chuck some cheese between 2 slices of bread and butter for me to eat, when I am ravenous after working til 1:20pm today? (or indeed any day i am working?)

1. I was home by 1:45pm, no lunch, stuffed a slice of peanut butter and bread down my neck and fed DS his milk (BF) and had a cuddle with him while he dozed on me. I offered to make lunch and was told 'you don't need to put DS down to make us both lunch'.

At 2:50pm i got ready to get DD from school, go into kitchen and DH has a bowl of hot food, contents unknown, so I sat down in the front room and wait, thinking he has made us both lunch and I have time to stuff a couple of mouthfuls in.

At 3pm he hollared that I need to go get DD, and it transpires this lunch was for him alone. He had meant 'you don't need to make me any lunch so take my time feeding DS'.

As I walk to the stairs a few minutes later (flat, internal private stairs) he thrusts an egg sandwich at me, which i refuse not wanting to eat an uncut runny fried egg sarnie with one hand while driving with the other and after an exchange of 'take it' 'don't want it ' he throws it full force in a pique of anger down the narrow stairs, egg, mayo, bread flying everywhere and landing in numerous places on our pretty new decent stair carpet.

Was He Being Unreasonable, or what this a just reaction to what he perceives as my ungrateful attitude to his 3pm mad grumpy dash to provide me with a sandwich.

(am a name change as DH might or might not be a lurker and knows my name on here).

noble he was going out earlier to watch footie so grabbed himself something while it was there, or something. I got my own dinner this evening.

Normally he eats lunch with the children, i have a snack when I get home, sometimes prepared by him sometimes not, and then we generally eat together in the evenings, either with the children, or when they are in bed, unless like tonight he goes out to watch the Big Arsenal match.

That sounds a tough situation. I am not sure how I would cope and am glad that (for the moment) my job is reasonably safe.

There does need to be some sort of agreement though wrt meals I think. If he likes to have a late cooked lunch prior to the school run, could you perhaps have a very big snack late morning to tide you over and make it clear that you would like a portion too? Or does his boredom and dissatisfaction mean that there is no real structure to mealtimes and it was just today that he had a cooked meal mid afternoon?

yanbu - when he made himself lunch he should have automatically made you some or offered to.

he was a twat for losing his temper and throwing it down the stairs.

think the problem might be communication and expectations.

Normally he has lunch with the 'baby' not the children!

SchroedingersCat... It was a question.. based on what you posted. You sound like a pair of kids. I did ask if it was a one-off... Perhaps you just like a bit of drama... you're taking the comments in good grace anyway...

Since you get home at about 1-ish, OP, why can't you and DH have lunch together every day?

Something oft quoted on MN is more about division of free time than division of labour.

It does seem like you have less free time - ie you walk through door and quickly stuff food in and then take over childcare while he sits down to a nice warm meal.

He stays home while you do the afternoon school run.

If you're thrust straight into BFing on no lunch that seems grossly unfair to me and it wouldn't have hurt DH to make you some lunch.

As for throwing an egg sarnie down the stairs - very petulant on his part

so the the general consensus is that I am being unreasonable to expect him to make my lunch, >lazy cow emoticon) but that he could offer if he was eating and I had not, although I should take something to eat at work and find some time to eat it (ha) (although I do occasionally eat a mars bar if a colleague goes to the shop, but mostly drink lots of coffee!).

but HE was being unreasonable to through a dripping smellie sarnie down the stairs in anger, although he might be justified because i spurned his efforts?

yes?

I might report this all back to him, see what he makes of it

I think making yourself lunch and not offering your partner some (or a tea) is just really rude, regardless of circumstances.

Especially if they've just come home from work, or you are BFing your baby. It's just about a little bit of care and respect, isn't it?

I am amazed that some many people don't think this is an issue.

If my DH has been working in the garden or doing DIY, I offer him a cup of tea when he comes in. If I'm making lunch for myself, I make it for him and the kids too.

This is normal, isn't it? Or do you all just feed yourselves and sit alone eating.

Ah, well he was probably 'sorting himself out with some dinner before the football' and it didn't even cross his mind that you wanted some food because it was well past lunchtime by then and if you wanted something surely you'd have got it yourself by then.

I don't think he was going 'hehehehe I'll stuff this down my neck while she goes hungry'.

I'm sure that was just a misunderstanding.

FloorSandwich-gate is the issue.

Totally agree with Belle

Reading this to me came across less as either OP or the DH BU, rather a few crossed wires resulting in cross words.

As an adult, no, you shouldn't expect lunch to be made. Except that when you are sat on the sofa with a sleeping child and your partner yells out not to worry about lunch, don't disturb the baby, I would tend to assume, like you, that he means he's sorting lunch for both of you. That's not an assumption that you ought to be waited on, just a misinterpretation of what's been said. So when it didn't arrive, you were p**d off, and then he got annoyed because he hadn't said anything of the sort and now you were annoyed, and had rejected what he tried to do to put it right. Been there, done that!! Bit childish to chuck it down the stairs but hey, it's not the worst thing I've heard of being done in a fit of temper. I reckon all that's needed is for you to shout back 'If you're doing lunch can you sort something out for me too while you're there?' next time. Or be prepared to sort it out yourself if you don't manage to ask. And then if he does bring you something, it's a nice surprise! (I think while quite a lot of this might have happened in my hosue too, I am more likely o have said 'Oohh, lunch. Looks nice. Did you make some for me?' when I first found DH in the kitchen with his food. On hearing 'No' I'd have made a comment about how it would be nice if he could have made a bit extra but it would probably have blown over then!

lying i finish work at 1pm ish. I get home around 1:30pm ish. Unless i work late (2-3 times a week?). Never earlier than 1:30pm, normal time is probably 1:45pm like today. (yes I know, I am lucky not to have to travel 2 hours each way to work...)

what Belle said

I am a right cunt (everyone says so) but wouldn't dreeeeam of making my own lunch and not dp's, should he happen to be about- specially if he'd been out working all morning!

YAdefinitelyNBU

yes 'sandwich-gate' is the issue (like the term) but while it is a seperate issue to some extent it is born out of the first issue.

If I do not ever expect him to make me any lunch, then he will not quickly sling together a fried egg sarnie and forcefully thrust it in my face as I dash off to get DD.

I shall from now on prepare my own lunch. Shame as I do agree with belle just not going to happen I don't think. Not right now.

spring but it is only 5 hours work though protecting all your asses from criminals

Schroedinger, feel your pain - also live in Devon and DP's work has been an issue.

Here's a random thought: is there any chance your DH could do voluntary work or charity a couple of afternoons a week after you get home? My DP did this during a period of unemployment and it ended up leading to a whole career.

It does sound like he is frustrated being at home, but he could do something like 4-5 hours per week on a local nature reserve (if he is outdoorsy, there's lot down 'ere!) or in one of those St Luke's shops that are everywhere if he likes people.

Do you think this might help him feel less cabin-feverish?

Also, I know that as the primary breadwinner in my relationship, I have to be really careful not to even appear to have an 'I earn all the money, I'm keeping you' attitude. Do you think your DH ever gets that vibe off you?

Ooh are you Batman?

I've just run this past DH, and we've tried to think what the equivalent scenario would be in our life (I'm a SAHM and he works fulltime), this is what we came up with.

I've been at home with DS all day, fed him his tea at 6pm. DH gets home from work at 7pm and takes DS up for his bath etc, gets him into bed.
When DH comes down again, he finds me sat down munching my way through a plate of something yummy for dinner, but I haven't made him any.
He gets angry.
In a huff and feeling guilty I throw some food together for him which he refuses temporarily because he wants to .
I throw the food all over the hallway.

YANBU, your DH is BU.

My DH's actual words? 'What the fuck is he contributing?', referring to your DH.

revolting money - no i don't think so, it is our money, gets paid into our joint bank account (inc child benefit) and he often does the shopping etc, there is no 'my money, not yours' he does not have to ask to spend it, well not any more than I do , we both have a set minimal amount per month to spend on ourselves (£30), although if that month is tight one of us will forfieght ours (last week we bought new bath towels as an extra, DH paid for this instead of a computer game, this month both children need new shoes at the same time, I will buy one of those pairs out of mine).

He has considered voluntary work yes. he does occasional gardening/log lugging with some friends when work is available. Sometimes for a bit of cash, sometimes just to get out if they have no 'proper' work. But nothing specific. he does need to get out there, but he struggles to motivate himself.

Ah, that's right, you only work part-time, I'd forgotten. You have no right to complain about anything at all, do you? Lazy bitch.

Your DH chucking a sandwich at you is actually a metaphor. The world is telling you to go and get a proper job working double shifts whilst BFing twins and renovating a derelict house and then you might be worth listening to.

revoltingpeasant mrs batman to you . Minus the cool car.

Do you offer to make him stuff every time you're in the kitchen getting something for yourself?

I wonder if he thinks anything like 'I'm home to look after the kids, not to wait on you'? I expect he's feeling quite emasculated by the job situation.

bell exactly, only part time. I spend the rest of my time getting my nails done/hair done/in the gym. it is hard work.

AND the BFing just adds to it.

DC2 is due in 5 weeks. If DH comes home from work and finds me glued to the sofa BFing, then he will make me a cuppa to be going on with, get DS into bed and then come down and cook us both some food.

I'm a huge advocate for the SAHP not becoming a slave to the WOHP, but I think the balance has shifted too far in your case. You are working, doing night wakings, BFing and sharing equally in school run and general household stuff.
Your DH hasn't got the burden that a fulltime SAHP has, of being entertainer, cook, cleaner, housekeeper etc etc alone for 10-12 hours a day, and because of the timings of everything it seems like he rarely has to juggle both children. He should be taking that into account and taking a little more of the load off you IMHO.