Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not lend money to someone who has not paid me back in the past (even though this time it's apparently for essentials)?

37 replies

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:08

I've posted about this relative before, she has asked me, repeatedly, for money for various things because she isn't good with managing her finances herself. I have bailed her out many times in the past and I'm getting a bit sick of it.

This time, she has phoned asking for money for food. She claims she would pay me back after about a week, but I'm still waiting for a small amount of money I lent her before Christmas to be paid back (it's not a huge amount, but that's neither here nor there I don't think).

Now, I could just about afford to loan £30-40 for a week, but I don't know if I want to. If I could be certain the money as a) definitely for food and b) definitely going to be paid back, I wouldn't hesistate, but I have found out money I have leant her and not got back in the past has been used for non-essentials when I loaned it to her because she claimed to not be able to afford food (and leaving myself short in the meantime). I know I don't have the right to dictate how she spends money, but she lied because she knew I wouldn't see her go hungry and I wouldn't have loaned her the money otherwise. She still doesn't know I know she lied to me.

If you were me, would you loan the money? And WIBU not to? I don't know. I don't want to loan the money because of past experience with her and the suspicion that it will be used for other things. But I feel bad if this is a genuine emergency.

I'm handing the decision over to you lovely people. :)

OP posts:

Itsjustafleshwound · 16/02/2011 20:12

I would go food shopping for her or with her.

If that is not possible I would give her the cash making it clear that I wanted the money back by X.

FabbyChic · 16/02/2011 20:13

I would never lend money to friends, always a bad idea.

And I'm sorry irrespective of how hard a time they are having if I had lent them money and they had not paid me back before, the answer this time would be sorry no I cannot afford it.

If you really want to do something go out and buy the essentials yourself and don't expect a penny back.

Lulumaam · 16/02/2011 20:13

do some food shopping for her, or have a tesco /asda delivery sent to her, then you know that the money has gone on food. and no YANBU to have reservations

I would say that you are reticent to lend more, when the money you previously lent has not been paid back

potplant · 16/02/2011 20:13

Tell her your on your way to the supermarket so you'll pick up some things for and ask what she needs. If she really wants money for food she'll be grateful.

Tbh though I'm a bit of a soft touch sound probably give it to her.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:15

Food shopping with her would solve the problem of what the money goes on....good idea. But it wouldn't guarentee me the money back, which is, tbh, what I'm most concerned about. Selfish, I know, but I don't want to just write off up to £40 before I've loaned it, which I fear I would have to do. She makes excuse after excuse.

Thank you for reply. :)

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 16/02/2011 20:16

Last time you posted this exact question and were told to stop lending her money. Did you? Clearly not. You really need to stop, and stop asking us here if you ain't gonna listen

AMumInScotland · 16/02/2011 20:16

Are there chidren involved? If not, the most I'd do would be to buy her some (cheap) baked beans and a sliced loaf so she couldn't claim you'd left her to starve. And i'd explain why - you're not in a position to pay her bills as well as your own, so she needs to repay the money you loaned her.

LB29 · 16/02/2011 20:17

Offer to get her a bit of shopping or even get rid of all those tin and half bags of frozen food you don't get round to using.

Explain to her that this is the last time! Don't lend her money again as she needs to learn to budget.

Snorbs · 16/02/2011 20:17

If she still owes you money and you can't afford to just kiss the money goodbye, I'd say "no".

FabbyChic · 16/02/2011 20:17

You are not selfish, no one can afford to just give money away.

I would say no to be honest, she cannot be trusted to tell you the truth and she hasn't paid you back previously.

Tell her you can't afford it.

CoteDAzur · 16/02/2011 20:19

Do you like here enough to say "Come share our food when you need to"?

If she isn't starving, she would probably get weary of this after a meal or two and leave you alone.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:19

You are correct Eric. You remember! I'm always surprised when people remember my posts!

Last time she was blatant about it being for non-essentials, so I didn't lend it (amount before Christmas was not the thing I posted about).

I just have a horrible feeling I'm being lied to. I wouldn't see her go hungry, no matter what the past has proved. But I have no way of knowing if she's telling me the truth this time.

I need to say no and just stick with it regardless, don't I?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 16/02/2011 20:19

No I wouldnt.

If you do, chances are you wont get it back and in a few weeks she will be asking again.

People like this are crap with money because they know that people like you are nice and will bail them out each time. If I knew that there was someone who would hand me a load of cash whenever I ran short, then I wouldnt worry about budgeting either!

You will be doing her a favour in the long run by refusing as its the only way she will learn to make her money last. If you say that you are sorry but money is tight and you are having to watch you own pennies for the forseeable future then you are making it clear that you cant lend it this time, or in the future.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:21

There is one child involved. She has one and I have one.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 16/02/2011 20:21

No I wouldn't lend her money if you have not had it back before. you are only going to get cross and frustrated if it doesn't come back. either give her some food or tell her sorry you can't afford it this time because she didn't repay the other money and you have had to set tighter budget this week/month.

tribpot · 16/02/2011 20:22

I'd either do a food shop or say you simply can't afford to lend the money at the moment, sorry. You obviously need to manage your own funds pretty carefully and are doing it well, I just don't think the risk is worth it.

hpsaucy · 16/02/2011 20:25

if it for essentials like food. I think I'd offer for her to have dinner with you.

When is she going to get any money again?

peeriebear · 16/02/2011 20:28

I would be straight about it with her; you didn't get repaid before, you can't afford it and you know she has blown your loans on tat before. I wouldn't even consider it. A good friend of mine has borrowed from me before and not paid me back so I don't lend to her any more, I just say I can't afford it.

buttonmooncup · 16/02/2011 20:29

I wouldn't lend it. Ask her to ring her HV - I've read advice on these threads before that they can either get hold of food parcels or point you in the direction of where to get them if you're really hard up. The embarrassment might encourage her to prioritise food a bit more in future which won't happen if you keep bailing her out.

Original poster

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:29

Thank you everyone for responses. :)

I'm not sure when she will next have money. She gets benefits but I don't know what days they come on. Didn't mention that before, because I didn't want it to be about her source of money.

I will definitely not give the money and tell her she doesn't have to give it back (and that includes doing a food shop for her), I will not give her license to think that that's how it's going to be from now on. I wish I didn't have to have this little faith in her, but she's the reason for it.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 16/02/2011 20:29

She is taking the piss and you are letting her.

She repeatedly borrows money, lies to you and fails to repay it. I am questioning why you are even her friend, let alone why you are even considering this.

Being a friend doesn't mean you have to be a bank as well.

Carikube · 16/02/2011 20:33

I used to lend money to my DB and DSIL even when I was still at school and he was working (he is 12 years older than me) as I used to get the stories about how they didn't have enough money to feed the kids/get the car insured etc etc. I would do it as I didn't want him asking my Mum and upsetting her, even though they would never pay it back when they said they would and I was obviously having to raid my savings to do so.

I eventually got to the point where I decided I couldn't swallow their hard luck stories any more and so made it clear that there wasn't going to be any more forthcoming. I have to accept that he lives in a different world to me with completely different priorities (they have the latest TV, pc, phone etc, buy lots of things on credit and then moan that DH and I are richer than them as we don't have debts - I just believe in not buying things until you can afford them).

YANBU and it is unfair of your friend to take advantage of you in this way; I would say the only thing you could do is say that you will help her draw up a budget or something so that she doesn't find herself in this situation again (and if she's in that bad a position, invite her over to share a meal?)

Original poster

taintedpaint · 16/02/2011 20:33

She's not a friend, she's a relative. I suspect that shouldn't make a difference, but I, for some reason, feel that it does.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/02/2011 20:34

If I were you, no I wouldn't loan her the money.

Inertia · 16/02/2011 20:39

Tell her you don't have money to spare as you are still short and trying to catch up from the last time she borrowed money but didn't repay it. Which sounds like the truth from what you have said.

Flip

1 2