to not lend money to someone who has not paid me back in the past (even though this time it's apparently for essentials)?

[taintedpaint]

I've posted about this relative before, she has asked me, repeatedly, for money for various things because she isn't good with managing her finances herself. I have bailed her out many times in the past and I'm getting a bit sick of it.

This time, she has phoned asking for money for food. She claims she would pay me back after about a week, but I'm still waiting for a small amount of money I lent her before Christmas to be paid back (it's not a huge amount, but that's neither here nor there I don't think).

Now, I could just about afford to loan £30-40 for a week, but I don't know if I want to. If I could be certain the money as a) definitely for food and b) definitely going to be paid back, I wouldn't hesistate, but I have found out money I have leant her and not got back in the past has been used for non-essentials when I loaned it to her because she claimed to not be able to afford food (and leaving myself short in the meantime). I know I don't have the right to dictate how she spends money, but she lied because she knew I wouldn't see her go hungry and I wouldn't have loaned her the money otherwise. She still doesn't know I know she lied to me.

If you were me, would you loan the money? And WIBU not to? I don't know. I don't want to loan the money because of past experience with her and the suspicion that it will be used for other things. But I feel bad if this is a genuine emergency.

I'm handing the decision over to you lovely people. :)

I would say

"What's going on that you keep asking to borrow money from me?"

YANBU I wouldn't let her money in the same circumstances.

Trouble is with people like this, is that their money management skills never improve while they think their someone like yourself to bail them out. I have similar issues with a couple of people in my life like my sister. She was forever needing to borrow cash off someone and while it was usually for nappies for the baby etc, the reason she was skint was due to her buying non essential items like PS3 games.

I stopped lending her money for quite a while, telling her (honestly) that I couldn't afford to. I will lend her the odd tenner here and there if she really needs it now but there are still times I wont.

Never lend what you can't afford to lose. You can't afford to never see that £40 again (who the hell can?) don't lend her it!

there is someone like you not their someone like you so busy making my point I can't even type/spell.

Thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate it. :)

I think the consensus is pretty clear, I should not be giving her the money. May offer her a couple of meals or a few things I have already, but I will not give the money. I can't afford to write that amount off so that really makes the decision for me, doesn't it?

I need to grow a backbone with this kind of thing, I know it. :)

I would reply with "I cannot afford to give you any money".

Because you can't

And because that is what it would be

It would not be lending, with a reasonable expectation of return, it would be just giving it away

I wouldn't lend the money.

If you can't afford to give it free and clear of any expectations of what it will be spent on and whether it will be paid back, I wouldn't, and don't.

Been burned too many times in the past. Now if I know someone is struggling I try to take them for lunch or give them cash for birthday/christmas instead of pressie.

Or go to their place for a coffee and pick up milk and bread etc. Or have them here and have a crazy 'surplus' of stuff that I need someone to take.

Loaning money is poison to relationships IME.

taintedpaint you're very kind but you shouldn't lend / give her more money that you cannot afford.

If you say no then it will force her to take responsibility for her financial situation

If she's on benefits then she's on a low income and clearly not managing.

If there are other issues - such as debt- going on, then you giving her money isn't going to solve the underlying problem.

Could you suggest she goes to a CAB for advice? And no, I wouldn't loan money but if there are children involved, I would offer to go food shopping with her if you are able.

I wouldn't lend her money but as there's a child involved I would buy some food to tide them over for a few days.

If she is on benefits and is really desperate she should go to the job centre and apply for a crisis loan. They will then take the money back out of her later benefit payments. They might also be able to give her a token for free food if a food bank is running in her area.

Do not give her money, it won't help solve the problem.