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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

now seriously, I want you to consider....

107 replies

justanotherbloke · 16/02/2011 14:34

this question....

as a woman, what is it that makes you think that you are by right a better parent than a man?

OP posts:
stomp · 16/02/2011 17:43

All the new age equality gains can not overcome good old Mother Nature who made women to care and men to protect. Dads just do not notice the little things that Mums do, men might notice there is a saber tooth tiger around , the mum notices tiny pebble within babies reach. Simple.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/02/2011 17:44

yeah? Tell that to my husband who has bloody excellent risk assessment skills!

Teenybitsad · 16/02/2011 17:48

I know when something bad is ABOUT to happen....he knows AFTER it happens...that's why.

Kewcumber · 16/02/2011 17:51

I don't beleive that I am a better paretns by right but as I'm the only parent DS has tehn I'm the better by default.

Currently in our society, women tend to spend more time with thier children than men do and I do think this makes them more aware of their childs needs, risk factors etc.

Where this is not the case and a man spends at least as much time as a woman with their childrne I wouldn't assume one to be by default a better parent than the other. SOmetimes one, sometimes the otehr and sometimes neither but they have different strengths.

I do second what others had siad though - you need to make some more friends if so many if your female friends are terrible mothers.

tethersend · 16/02/2011 17:52

I work with children in care.

Therefore every mother and father is abusive.

Hey, that's my world, right?

Shirley is a better parent than all of us, although I probably have bigger tits.

Does that answer your question?

GypsyMoth · 16/02/2011 17:52

Op........ Was your ex still a bad mother when you were together?

I assume she is contact blocking??

GypsyMoth · 16/02/2011 17:53

What you are describing is parental alienation.....not officially recognised by British courts but exists nonetheless

Kewcumber · 16/02/2011 17:54

Hecate I think wuite commonly (IME) women are the more engaged parent but that isn;t inevitable. My brotehr was a very involved fatehr and becasue of shift work was able to spend significant amounts of his tiem with his DD's when young. My BIL on the other hand works long long long hours and quite often didn;t go on family holidays - I am pretty sure that he knows their names though.

ozzywiz · 16/02/2011 18:53

The only thing I am not better at is doing the girls hair. . what a nightmare. . .lucky for me ive got a 10 year old that lovessss to do hair so I let her of course haha. .

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 18:56
ozzywiz · 16/02/2011 18:57

I disagree Stomp, men and women alike. . it really does depend on the individual..... we should not be racist or sexist. . .a parent is a parent and regardless of male or female if they truly have the childs best interest at heart they will be known by their actions not what they say . . . . our only judge at the end is our children . . .

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 18:58

I'm the more on-the-ball-knows what-comes-next parent, but that's because I've been a SAHM for ten years

DH is as good a parent as me, better in some ways, worse in others. It would be a tragedy if he didn't get as much contact with his DCs as was practicable if we ever split up.

TysonNobdie86 · 16/02/2011 19:00

I am better with ds 2.8 and dh is better with dd 4 months. We both love each child equally though, im just better with toddlers and dh is better with babies.

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 19:01

Have just re-read. Missed the bit about only knowing 7 good mothers

OP, you really must make some new friends

Violethill · 16/02/2011 19:01

Eh? I don't. I think DH is equally as good as me

NorthernGobshite · 16/02/2011 19:08

I think I am but only because I am more patient, I think through parenting decisions more, I am more organised.

Bunnynamedstanely · 16/02/2011 19:18

OP I'm so sorry that you and your DCs ( and apparently so many of your social circle) have gone through such tough times. I can't really imagine how hard that must be but it does seem to be colouring your general view of women. I think that owe it to your children to find ways to address this lest you accidently bias them along the same lines.

FWIW My DH is a fantastic father and husband. He adores the children and has always taken a very hands on practical role in their lives. He has supported my wish to be a SAHM and works long hours to make sure we are financially secure. If any thing should happen to me I know that he'd do a wonderful job (note to self must teach him to do bunches) and the kids would be just fine. He is a great parent, spouse and human being... Gender is irrelevant. I can't imagine us ever splitting but If we did I swear I'd do my utmost to make sure we split custody to the advantage of the children.

I hope things improve for you and yours soon.

BTW friendly advice, quoting your IQ at people is a bit like telling them you degree classification or salary... it's just not done. Some of the other ladies have eloquently expressed why not.

guyane · 16/02/2011 19:31

Skimmed the middle posts, as usual, but my penniworth is that the OP asked about women thinking they're better parents... Well I think I'm a better mother and I want my DCs to have a good father too. The roles are different and distinct... depending on culture etc etc

guyane · 16/02/2011 19:32

And I'd love to hear back from the OP on all this... where's he gawn??

babybythesea · 16/02/2011 19:35

I don't think I was to start with. But I bf, so I took maternity leave, which led to me being the main carer while DH was the main breadwinner. I had to learn what to do, fast. I am now a slightly better parent, because I spend more time with her and know more about the consequences of missing meal times, or I am better able to understand what she is saying because I am more likely to understand the context. DH usually, although not always, has me as a fall-back option if he doesn't know what to do.
If anything were to change - if I could not spend the time with her and this was taken over instead by DH, he would quickly become the better parent. It's the way things panned out - I have more experience at this point in time, just makes me a bit better at managing things through the day. Doesn't make me better in terms of handing out love, or helping with a jigsaw, or reading a story at any given point. (So I am more likely to know which story is the current favourite, and to know when to sit down to read it so she has a quiet time before her nap as I'm more likely to know when her nap should be - but I am not more willing to read to her, nor am I a better reader. He's just as willing and just as good - he just sometimes mis-times it. Although this is more likely to be an issue when he decides to go swimming just as she starts getting tired and cranky!!)

babybythesea · 16/02/2011 19:50

Hecate - interesting question!! Made me think. Because yes, I would want custody if we were to split. I'm not sure he would. But that's not to do with not loving her, or not wanting to see her. It's just that his career is really, really important to him - he took a hobby, turned it into something he could earn money for (not much, but enough) and a lot of his happiness and self-image is tied up in it. For example, it was his career that made him move from NZ where he was born to the UK. It's very much a vocation. I, on the other hand, loved my career, worked hard, but always wanted to be a SAHM if I could be. And I managed it, with a bit of part-time work to keep my hand in. I would be happy to keep on doing this. I just can't see him wanting not to work in order to be with her and the practicalities would mean it would be easier if she were with me. But I have no doubt that if something were to happen to me, he would step up to the mark - he adores her and is brilliant with her. And like someone else said, although there's stuff he doesn't think about now it's because I'm usually there to bail him out. If I wasn't, he'd learn, and fast!!

PrincessScrumpy · 16/02/2011 19:57

DH loves dd and plays beautifully with her etc - I put him in charge when I was working and because she slept when he had lunch he forgot to feed her lunch (dd never asks for food). Love him to bits, but I am definitely the main carer.

BlueCollie · 16/02/2011 20:00

DH way better parent than me. Had to take two months off from the Army to look after me and our baby when he was born and did a way better job than I would have done. If he could be a SAHD then he would be but we are skint so he can't.

cerealqueen · 16/02/2011 20:08

I just have more common sense.

DP- can DD (20months at time) paint with this (indicating a tin of paint/ wood preserver he had just used to paint the garden shed with)

Me - no, its like giving her a pot of poison to play with and she may die, then shouting WTF do you mean can she play with that paint you moron!!!

I rest my case.

bumpsnowjustplump · 16/02/2011 20:58

If DP and I split up (god forbid even the thought of it is enought to give me nighmares), then I would hope that the children would live with me. That is not because i am a better parent or because I would want to hurt them but because I have been the one at home 24/7 for the last 4 years. It would be awful for them and I would want to keep things as normal as possiable for them. I would never stop contact infact I would like dp to come here every night of the week when he finished work to see them do story time etc as he does now. And then we share weekends. I dont see the point of him having 50% custordy when that would mean they are in child care when they are with him.

The above may be totally unreasonable but