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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? Or is ex-h? Or am I just as selfish as he claims? :-(

85 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 15/02/2011 19:18

Please be gentle with me - I'm a bit shaken by confrontation with ex!

Long story short - I live alone with 21m old DD, ex lives with his parents, has no outgoings and pays as little child support as he can get away with.

When I weaned DD, I tried to give her organic, healthy food, the best I could afford. Now she is older and eats considerably more (and the same food as me) I've not been able to afford to feed her organic food, but she does have 3 healthy, home-cooked meals every day. Me and DD eat the same meals, together at the table. I have a strict food shopping budget, I do struggle to make ends meet sometimes.

Unknown to me, my dad spoke to ex, and suggested that, while he has no outgoings, he might provide a little more money for his daughter, to make sure she has the quality of life he wants her to have. Ex is not short of a bob or two, and regularly boasts to me about his latest expensive purchase.

Ex comes to me, saying he wouldn't contribute another penny, and if I was struggling it was 'my fault', I 'deserved it' and if I wanted better for DD I would have to make my own cuts. I have nothing left to cut, I don't buy myself clothes, or DVDs/CDs/books/games. Things I do have I sell to make ends meet.

Ex expressed his dissapointment that I was no longer feeding DD organic food, stated that it was the best for her, and if I really wanted her to have the best I would go without, or have cheaper food myself (he gave beans on toast as an example) so that DD could have organic. He also suggested that Slimfast shakes would work out cheaper than a portion of food for myself, and if I cared about DD I would have those and spend the money I saved on food for her.

The way he puts things makes me head spin - and leaves me not knowing whether I'm wrong or right, and now I just feel like a selfish, greedy mother Sad

AIBU? Or was he? Confused

OP posts:
midnightservant · 15/02/2011 19:21

Are you kidding? Course he is BU

scurryfunge · 15/02/2011 19:21

Your child will survive perfectly well without organic food.

No wonder you are no longer with such a controlling shite.

Try CSA.

thisisyesterday · 15/02/2011 19:22

yanbu, he is!

squeakytoy · 15/02/2011 19:22

I think it all depends on the history of why you split up. On hearing this side of it, you are not being unreasonable, and he should be paying more.... and he does sound a twat.

spidookly · 15/02/2011 19:23

If you really need to ask this question then this bastard has really done a number on you.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

Your Dad shamed him by making it clear that he wasn't living up to his responsibilities as a father or as an adult man.

So he's punishing you for how small he was made to feel by attacking you for all the things he knows are true about himself - that is is selfish, that he is a bad parent, and that he puts himself before his child.

None of those things are true of you, and you know that.

I think you try to arrange things so that you never speak to this man. He is abusive and still seems to have the power to get to you.

CoteDAzur · 15/02/2011 19:23

YANBU. Your DD will of course eat what you eat. Your ex-H is BU.

Your DD is lucky to have a mum who cares about what she eats. As long as you don't feed her fried fast-food every day, you are fine.

Sorry you are struggling, btw. I hope things start looking up soon. Are you working? Do you have better job prospects or training coming up?

mindalina · 15/02/2011 19:23

No, YANBU, he sounds like a manipulative, selfish twat.

You are NOT selfish or greedy or unreasonable at all.

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 19:24

both of you.....you for letting him get to you,and him for trying to intimidate/umiliate you!!!

thirdparty handovers?

are csa deducting right amount?

annapolly · 15/02/2011 19:24

He can have what he wants with a clear conscience but you should nearly starve to provide for your DD.

Do you really need to ask who is being unreasonable?

YANBU

Gemsy83 · 15/02/2011 19:25

Do you even need to ask? He is being a jackass

PrettyCandles · 15/02/2011 19:28

"Ex expressed his dissapointment that I was no longer feeding DD organic food, stated that it was the best for her"

Then how about he takes responsibility for ensuring she gets it? Preferably by buying it for her, or enabling you to buy it for her.

What a selfish, controlling, pr¥ck!

And what do his parents think about him sponging off them, while their grand-daughter goes without?

BTW your dd will come to no harm if she eats non-organic food, whereas you will eventually come to harm if you don't make sure that you, too, have enough food to eat. Unless you are obese, Slimfast shakes do not count.

potplant · 15/02/2011 19:28

My DH and I both worth full time and we Can't afford organic, so don't beat yourself up about that.

Save money with slimfast - what a tool. Ignore him and count yourself lucky you're not with him anymore.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 15/02/2011 19:28

Slimfast shakes = 217 calories per serving.
Your daily calorific requirement = 10x that.
Given I'm assuming he didn't mean that you should be downing Slimfast morning, noon and night, how does he think you'll manage to look after your DD when you're malnourished?
Selfish? Greedy? What a knob. He wants to look in the mirror. If he really wanted the 'best' for HIS DD, he'd pay more in child support, rather than try to punish you.

midori1999 · 15/02/2011 19:29

You are SO not BU.

He sounds like an asshole! I agree with third party hand overs and would also make sure the CSA ensure he is paying the correct amount of maintenance.

TysonNobdie86 · 15/02/2011 19:29

Wow what a tosser, poor you, I bet your glad he's an Ex :(

SkipToTheEnd · 15/02/2011 19:29

Your daughter will remember being sat at the table sharing a home-cooked meal that you took the time to prepare. She will not care one bit if the veg was Organic or not.

YADDDNBU

PinkIceQueen · 15/02/2011 19:30

Report him to CSA if he is not paying as much as he should. He sounds like a right charmer Hmm

YANBU

spidookly · 15/02/2011 19:30

Also the health benefits of organic food are far from proven, so if you do get any more money from him don't spend it all on food.

comixminx · 15/02/2011 19:31

Slimfast? Beans on toast? These things aren't proper food! you're supposed to starve yourself so you can give her something that's a nice idea but not as important as what you're already doing - giving her good homecooked food!

Tell your dad what ex-H said if you want to see an explosion - your dad obviously cares a lot (as he should) and will help be a voice of reason nearby, not just on the internet.

Your ex is a real twat.

RunAwayWife · 15/02/2011 19:31

He is a nasty little shite, poor you,

gobbledegoop · 15/02/2011 19:32

All i have to say is... what a knob!!

(him btw!)

PonceyMcPonce · 15/02/2011 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinjaCuckoo · 15/02/2011 19:34

He sounds like an utter wankstain Angry

Rhadegunde · 15/02/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 15/02/2011 19:36

He is being unreasonable, and is taking the piss.

How fucking dare he say those things to you, she is eating three times a day, you eat together and the same food.

Get onto the Child Support Agency they will sort him out. He should be paying at least £50 a week.