Am I? Or is ex-h? Or am I just as selfish as he claims? :-(

[LifeIsButtercream]

Please be gentle with me - I'm a bit shaken by confrontation with ex!

Long story short - I live alone with 21m old DD, ex lives with his parents, has no outgoings and pays as little child support as he can get away with.

When I weaned DD, I tried to give her organic, healthy food, the best I could afford. Now she is older and eats considerably more (and the same food as me) I've not been able to afford to feed her organic food, but she does have 3 healthy, home-cooked meals every day. Me and DD eat the same meals, together at the table. I have a strict food shopping budget, I do struggle to make ends meet sometimes.

Unknown to me, my dad spoke to ex, and suggested that, while he has no outgoings, he might provide a little more money for his daughter, to make sure she has the quality of life he wants her to have. Ex is not short of a bob or two, and regularly boasts to me about his latest expensive purchase.

Ex comes to me, saying he wouldn't contribute another penny, and if I was struggling it was 'my fault', I 'deserved it' and if I wanted better for DD I would have to make my own cuts. I have nothing left to cut, I don't buy myself clothes, or DVDs/CDs/books/games. Things I do have I sell to make ends meet.

Ex expressed his dissapointment that I was no longer feeding DD organic food, stated that it was the best for her, and if I really wanted her to have the best I would go without, or have cheaper food myself (he gave beans on toast as an example) so that DD could have organic. He also suggested that Slimfast shakes would work out cheaper than a portion of food for myself, and if I cared about DD I would have those and spend the money I saved on food for her.

The way he puts things makes me head spin - and leaves me not knowing whether I'm wrong or right, and now I just feel like a selfish, greedy mother

AIBU? Or was he?

He sounds like a complete and utter selfish pig!!!! I feel angry just reading your OP....maybe you feel so ground down from deailing with him that your self-esteem is a bit low, so you're not sure if you're right or if he is. But I can assure you he is being VVVVVVVV unreasonable. Please do yourself a favour, and do as others have suggested. Contact the CSA

I'm very suspicious about his "calculations".

If you go through the CSA, am I right to believe you won't be any better off though (because the amount he gives will come off your income support?).

Maintenance is now ignored for income support, LHA and HB. So any money from ex partner is on top of those. Can't remember about tax credits.

yabu on your self for allowing him to make you feel like that.

i would go to the csa.

btw, how does he expect the mother to look after his child, while not eating properly herself

Here's a rather sneaky thought that has just occured to me: Why not send a copy of your original post and the replies (or failing that, a specifically written letter) to his own father to see what he makes of his son's behaviour. And to his mother. And his siblings and cousins. And the uncles and aunts he only sees once or twice a year. And his boss. And his colleagues of the same level. And his old school friends he still keeps in touch with. And especially his new girlfriend. And maybe some of his old ones as well. Make sure you emphasise the part where he pays £2 more than the legal minimum, because I bet he makes a big thing of saying he gives more than he needs to, acting as if he gives £1000 a month more.

I should probably say I haven't completely thought through all the ramifications of this post, but right now at ten to twelve, the thought of this guy realising his bullying has become public is rather amusing to me.

OP... Would your Dad perhaps speak to your Ex-h's parents; grandparent to grandparents on this issue? He has no axe to grind but your Ex-h is a piece of work...

His parents can put extra pressure on him; perhaps he's lying to them about what he pays for your child?

Go via the CSA also... the more weapons you have, the better.

If you're managing three healthy meals a day, I'd leave it alone. The man's a controlling asshole, but talking to his friends and family is not the way to go.

There are two issues here, and they need to be separated.

The first is, is he paying enough? No, morally, but if he is paying enough legally there's no point hassling. He's made it clear that he won't increase it.

The second is that he feels entitled to comment on your parenting, your weight, your diet and your lifestyle. That's not on, and you need to disengage. Cut those conversations off at the pass. "That's my decision, and I am the custodial parent". "I am not going to discuss my diet with you". "That is my business". If he has actual concerns that his daughter is not being cared for properly, he can raise them by email, and you can deal with it that way. Don't get drawn into conversations about whether you should be eating less.

You two have to parent together, and come to an agreement about various things (education, medical needs, etc) and you need a mechanism to discuss those things. I would suggest email because it's less confrontational.

At the end of the day, though, you're the custodial parent. If you're not neglecting her, then his options are: pay more, or accept how you're bringing her up.

Why are people suggesting going to the CSA if the guy pays more than their calculator says he should?
The CSA payments in the current system are designed to be independant of outgoings to stop blokes taking on huge mortgages and other debts and then claiming to be too poor to pay for their kids.
This bloke's outgoings are none of his exwife's concerns. If she expects him to pay more now would she then expect him to pay less if he gets a mortgage?
If he is paying for his kid then the OP's dad was interfering in discussing payments with the bloke.
The exhusband has no right to tell the OP what to feed their daughter when she is with her however.
You are both being a bit controlling.
It's up to the bloke what financial commitments he has outside providing for his daughter, and it's up to the OP what she feeds her daughter.

"Why are people suggesting going to the CSA if the guy pays more than their calculator says he should?"

Because the OP said he is currently paying less than the cost of the nappies DD uses in a month! Which sounds incredibly low (and means she is paying for EVERYTHING else for DD - all food, rent, bills, clothing, remaining nappies, childcare, outings, shoes.... can that be right?).

And because he sounds such a knob it would not surprise me at all if he has hidden some of his income details from the CSA.

In fact it was not fully clear either from OP's posts whether it was actually the CSA that made the calculation, or whether he did it himself "using the CSA's calculator", in which case I would question again how honest he has been about that...

What a bollocks.