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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I? Or is ex-h? Or am I just as selfish as he claims? :-(

85 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 15/02/2011 19:18

Please be gentle with me - I'm a bit shaken by confrontation with ex!

Long story short - I live alone with 21m old DD, ex lives with his parents, has no outgoings and pays as little child support as he can get away with.

When I weaned DD, I tried to give her organic, healthy food, the best I could afford. Now she is older and eats considerably more (and the same food as me) I've not been able to afford to feed her organic food, but she does have 3 healthy, home-cooked meals every day. Me and DD eat the same meals, together at the table. I have a strict food shopping budget, I do struggle to make ends meet sometimes.

Unknown to me, my dad spoke to ex, and suggested that, while he has no outgoings, he might provide a little more money for his daughter, to make sure she has the quality of life he wants her to have. Ex is not short of a bob or two, and regularly boasts to me about his latest expensive purchase.

Ex comes to me, saying he wouldn't contribute another penny, and if I was struggling it was 'my fault', I 'deserved it' and if I wanted better for DD I would have to make my own cuts. I have nothing left to cut, I don't buy myself clothes, or DVDs/CDs/books/games. Things I do have I sell to make ends meet.

Ex expressed his dissapointment that I was no longer feeding DD organic food, stated that it was the best for her, and if I really wanted her to have the best I would go without, or have cheaper food myself (he gave beans on toast as an example) so that DD could have organic. He also suggested that Slimfast shakes would work out cheaper than a portion of food for myself, and if I cared about DD I would have those and spend the money I saved on food for her.

The way he puts things makes me head spin - and leaves me not knowing whether I'm wrong or right, and now I just feel like a selfish, greedy mother

AIBU? Or was he?

OP posts:

Katey1010 · 15/02/2011 20:28

I can imagine what kind of body image and sense of self a DD would have with a mother who starves herself and eats Slimfast instead of food so that DD can have organic food. If you have to talk to him again, you might point out that DD needs a happy, healthy mother more than anything else. A guilty-feeling, malnourished one isn't going to help DD become a happy grown woman.

Having a father who didn't live with his Mummy and Daddy as a grown man might help with future relationships but that is another thread

SugarMousePink · 15/02/2011 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 15/02/2011 20:38

What a wicked, wicked bastard your ex is!

Your OP has brought me close to tears, how dare he make you feel bad or try to ensure that you almost go hungry because he won't help out.

Please, take no notice of him. This mother of two alarmingly healthy vegetarian teenagers didn't and doesn't feed organic food to her children but they're still perfectly fit and healthy, trust me.

I agree with those who have suggested that any contact is facilitated by someone else, not you, and that you don't communicate with him at all. However you deal with him, PLEASE take no notice (or tell him to fuck off, which is what I'd do!). You sound like a lovely mum.

MadAboutQuavers · 15/02/2011 20:47

Buttercream - your script for the next time he suggests something just as unreasonable to you:

"ExP. Fuck off. And when you get there, fuck off some more. You utterly self-centred, knows-nothing, pathetic little mummy's boy"

"And if you don't like my tone, give some more money to YOUR DAUGHTER for her to live off, you total pondlife."

jenga079 · 15/02/2011 20:52

What a despicable manchild. I am literally shaking with anger at what he has said to you and how he has made you feel.

You sound like a wonderful mother. He is a tool (I want to say something stronger, but I'm sure you get the picture!!)

Cut contact with him to the absolute minimum and don't allow him to make you question your (obviously wonderful) qualities.

Take care x

Wozzawosi · 15/02/2011 20:57

He should be paying 15% of his salary.

How much is he giving you?

Snakeears · 15/02/2011 20:59

According to recent studies organic food contains no more nutients than non organic - it is however better for the environment - not better for the humans eating it - exh is a judging knob - ignore him!

kaid100 · 15/02/2011 21:15

Get the CSA to take as much as they can from him, if that's his attitude.

This is actually a bloke speaking.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/02/2011 21:59

OP, I'm just wondering - he stays with his parents - what is their take on this? Do they think he is fulfilling his responsibilities as a father? Do they take no keep off him because they think it is going to their granddaughter?

In short, is he a selfish prick because they have brought him up to be so, or could they embarass the shit out of him the way your dad did?

MrsCrafty · 15/02/2011 23:20

I read this and my immediate thought was tell him to fuck off. Sorry.

magicmummy1 · 15/02/2011 23:23

He is an arse. YANBU.

amberleaf · 15/02/2011 23:48

Yep that would be a fuck off from me too.

mumeeee · 15/02/2011 23:58

Yanbu your ex is, You need to ear ptoperly so that you can look after your daughter.
You are a great Mum.

whethergirl · 16/02/2011 00:11

I'm feeling the fuck off vibe too.

OP, please don't let him talk to you like this, don't even listen to him if he tries to manipulate you into thinking that he is talking any sense at all. Which he isn't. It's the biggest pile of bollocks I've heard and he is getting on my fucking nerves, I don't know how you put up with him.

Tryharder · 16/02/2011 00:19

Well obviously he is being unreasonable. You don't need to tell him to fuck off or reduce contact, go to CSA etc. Just disregard him and don't discuss anything like this with him again.

I personally would be tempted to wind him up and tell him about your meals out, weekends away etc paid for by his maintenance and also that you are going to give your DD beans on toast in the future so you can save up for a holiday... But then I'm mean like that....

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 16/02/2011 14:52

Thanks again all, I don't want to disclose the amount as it might make us too recognisable in RL - lets put it this way, its less than DD gets through in nappies a month - he calculated it using the CSA calculator.

If he was living independantly then no problemo, but he has literally no other outgoings. Lets put it this way, if it was the other way around and he was living with DD while I worked I would NEVER put him in a situation where they would struggle for money - for DD's sake.

His parents, for the record, consider him to be a 'devoted father', and although they are pleasant towards me, I think they think that I left him for no good reason (as he will often state) and he is the hard-done-by party in this situation.

Ironically Tryharder, I am saving as much as I can as I aim to take DD to Disneyland Paris for her 4th birthday, in over 2 years time......

I could do with losing some weight (which ex used as part of his "you should eat less" argument) but I am already losing weight in a healthy and managed way.

Once again thanks for your advice and support!

OP posts:

Kerrianne · 16/02/2011 14:57

Cut the organic food and take DD on a cheaper holiday. Then get in touch with the CSA.

LtEveDallas · 16/02/2011 15:09

See, I would be so tempted to get your dad to mention it, casually to his parents in a "Look how well my wonderful daughter is looking after OUR grandchild DESPITE the fact that her father wont provide for her"

Very passive aggressive - but oh so tempting

OP, I have a superbly healthy DD, with so much energy and such a spring in her step that I envy her - and she's never had organic. Please dont let this worry you, he is messing with your head.

xstitch · 16/02/2011 15:19

That is so tempting LtEve

You are so not BU. You are doing the right thing by eating healthily, you need to be healthy yourself to look after your dd.

Your XP sounds like my XH. It is difficult to get your confidence back because they push you down so much. I am slowly crawling out of his shadow despite having very bad days. You are doing a wonderful job from what you say and you must hold onto that positive thought. Do what others have suggested and contact the CSA.

MyMamaToldMe · 16/02/2011 15:40

If he cared at all about his DD he would be giving you the money to pay for the organic food he thinks she should be eating, not telling you to eat less! So he is basically worming his way out of paying you anything by telling you that you are the bad person here for thinking of your stomach! What a load of crap! What a manipulator!

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/02/2011 15:54

What a tit.

Do his parents know how much he is actually giving you? And that he thinks giving £2 more than (he says) he should be paying gives him a shiny halo?

I am very tempted to wonder whether he really used (all) his actual income when doing the calculation of how much he pays. Did you actually go through the CSA, or did he just say "this is what their calculator says" and give you that without going through them? Really wonder how honest he is being with you/them.

scentednappyhag · 16/02/2011 16:04

Just repeating what everyone else has said really, but I can't emphasis it enough; YANBU. He is a wanksock. Let the CSA go after him if he's not man enough to give his daughter what she needs of his own accord.

NunOnTheRun · 16/02/2011 16:23

OK, so it's in your DD's best interests that her mother er, starves..

daimbardiva · 16/02/2011 16:24

He is a total idiot, I can't believe you're even questioning whether he's being unreasonable. Of course he is. He is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty (and has obviously succeeded) with no grounds to whatsoever.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

And in any case, his argumnet( if you can even call it that is totally flawed). How would it benefit your dd to have a malnourished mother, which is what would happen if you followed his suggestions.

You are both so much better off without him, it's hard to put it into words

prettyfly1 · 16/02/2011 16:38

vibing with the fuck off sentiment. What a twat badger honestly. Avoid, avoid, avoid. He is ashamed of his behaviour and ashamed of himself and transferring it to you as he doesnt have the spine or intellect to process his guilt himself. Wanker.

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