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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? Or is ex-h? Or am I just as selfish as he claims? :-(

85 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 15/02/2011 19:18

Please be gentle with me - I'm a bit shaken by confrontation with ex!

Long story short - I live alone with 21m old DD, ex lives with his parents, has no outgoings and pays as little child support as he can get away with.

When I weaned DD, I tried to give her organic, healthy food, the best I could afford. Now she is older and eats considerably more (and the same food as me) I've not been able to afford to feed her organic food, but she does have 3 healthy, home-cooked meals every day. Me and DD eat the same meals, together at the table. I have a strict food shopping budget, I do struggle to make ends meet sometimes.

Unknown to me, my dad spoke to ex, and suggested that, while he has no outgoings, he might provide a little more money for his daughter, to make sure she has the quality of life he wants her to have. Ex is not short of a bob or two, and regularly boasts to me about his latest expensive purchase.

Ex comes to me, saying he wouldn't contribute another penny, and if I was struggling it was 'my fault', I 'deserved it' and if I wanted better for DD I would have to make my own cuts. I have nothing left to cut, I don't buy myself clothes, or DVDs/CDs/books/games. Things I do have I sell to make ends meet.

Ex expressed his dissapointment that I was no longer feeding DD organic food, stated that it was the best for her, and if I really wanted her to have the best I would go without, or have cheaper food myself (he gave beans on toast as an example) so that DD could have organic. He also suggested that Slimfast shakes would work out cheaper than a portion of food for myself, and if I cared about DD I would have those and spend the money I saved on food for her.

The way he puts things makes me head spin - and leaves me not knowing whether I'm wrong or right, and now I just feel like a selfish, greedy mother Sad

AIBU? Or was he? Confused

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/02/2011 19:37

Good post by Spidkookly!

squeakytoy · 15/02/2011 19:37

Tell your father not to speak to him. Cut all contact that is not necessary. I'd be tempted to go only for visitation in public places when you have support

and how does that improve the situation... all that does is flame it even more...

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 15/02/2011 19:37

just read your OP again.
'if you cared about your DD' sticks out.
What a manipulative, nasty piece of work he sounds.

verytellytubby · 15/02/2011 19:38

No wonder he's your ex. What a bastard.

omaoma · 15/02/2011 19:38

I would start making transcripts of your conversations... you can send them to anybody who thinks he is a 'normal' person. If he has managed to get to you with this load of wank please please do think about how you can boost your self esteem

spidookly · 15/02/2011 19:40

"Slimfast? Beans on toast? These things aren't proper food! "

Yes, but don't you get it? The OP is not a proper person according to this scumbag.

"Tell your father not to speak to him."

Actually I would suggest the opposite - get your father to act as a go between from now on.

Plumm · 15/02/2011 19:41

I second what everyone else has said (especially Spidookly - very nicely put)

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 19:42

squeakytoy......cutting contact and thirdparty handovers is what other people with abusive ex's do......it tends to work

NoobyHoHoHo · 15/02/2011 19:43

repeat after me..

He

is

a

cock

Now look up the number of the CSA and go get him. He wants you to starve so your daughter can eat organic, while he boasts about buying expensive tat? What a complete tool. Fuck him, really - he has done such a work over on you that you can't see just what a complete tosspot he is. Please please listen to the posters on here and ignore this bellend.

saffy85 · 15/02/2011 19:43

YANBU obviously your wanker ex is and deep down he probably knows that. Maybe what your dad said hit a nerve (and so it bloody should by the sound of, what a cunt!) and he has decided to punish you.

As long as your DD has a healthy diet it doesn't matter if she has organic or not.

Don't let this git get you down you sound like a lovely mum Smile

Rhadegunde · 15/02/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandyRussian · 15/02/2011 19:45

How long ago did you split up? Sounds like he is still bitter and will do anything he can to "get back" at you.

Going to the CSA might not help. I believe there's a ceiling on how much they can force him to pay - think around 17.5% of his income. And if he felt really put upon he could give up work whilst sponging off his parents and not have to pay you anything.

Sounds like you are doing a fine job with your DD so just try to rise above it and not let him get to you.

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 15/02/2011 19:48

Thanks for the kind messages everyone - if I'm thinking straight I know he is being an unreasonable waste of a foreskin individual. But he gets me so wound up and is so manipulative it leaves me wondering!

CSA say they only calculate based on his income, rather than his outgoings, so his payments are correct (infact, he pays £2 a month more than their estimate - which he is proud to state if it comes up)

I don't think ex does see me as an equal to him, or even a person in my own right - I feel like a childminder in his eyes. I'm lucky though, I have my DD and she is the most wonderful little girl, she is worth a million of him.

Thanks for helping me see some sense!

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 15/02/2011 19:48

I am ShockShock at what he's said to you

YANBU at all, he is being a total twat

Hellebore1 · 15/02/2011 19:53

What a nasty bastard, you are well out of it by the sound of things.Shock
Ignore him you are doing a brilliant job.
Personally I would keep any contact with him to a minimum and get legal advice advice re' his level of contribution to his daughters' upkeep. Many solicitors give free advice for an hour, but be sure to choose one that deals with this type of situation. They will also be able to advise you re' Legal Aid. Good Luck

atswimtwolengths · 15/02/2011 19:54

Is there any way you can ask someone to be with you when he collects/drops off your daughter, or do you take her to his home?

I wouldn't have any conversation with him. I know your dad was trying to do his best and I wouldn't want him to feel that he couldn't speak to your ex about all this. Maybe he could try to speak to your ex in laws?

To be honest, I would be trying to move as far away from him as I could.

AliGrylls · 15/02/2011 19:55

I can't believe OP needs to ask if she is being unreasonable. Ask him if he would like to live on Slimfast Shakes and beans on toast.

My blood is boiling at what he said and also at the fact that he has money and won't help out.

katkit · 15/02/2011 19:57

awful man!!! poor you!

omaoma · 15/02/2011 19:59

It sounds like a very considered conversation might be needed with your dad - if it's possible without things blowing up? the kind of 'i know you want the best for me and DD and spoke hoping to make our situation better, but as you know, ex is a tool, and any form of pressure makes things more difficult for me, not less.I'd love for your excellent advice to have a positive impact on him, but I don't think it's going to happen soon. Please let things lie and maybe ask me in future if you really feel you need to speak to him, can we deal with this situation as a team'.

Tolalola · 15/02/2011 20:02

Wow he sounds a bit deranged, tbh.

I would suggest to him that he buys your DD organic food and/or a weekly veg box and has it delivered to your house, if he's so worried about it.

What a MAN tosser to act like a selfish knob and try to turn it back on you and make it all your fault, somehow.

tribpot · 15/02/2011 20:02

Tell him to fuck off. Plain and simple.

Your dad's only giving him ammo, btw. He needs to stop. If it's not this it'll only be something else. Your ex's goal is to score hits off you, not offer constructive parenting support.

Your dd will be fine. Your ex, on the other hand, has an incurable case of tosserishness.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 15/02/2011 20:03

OP - you ex is a twat and you seem to be a lovely mum doing the best for your dd in the circumstances. Please take no notice of him.

A little suggestion though, how about in the spring (if you can), you and your dd grown some of your own vegs (potatoes, lettuce and tomatoes are really easy). Smile. You can't get more organic than your own stuff.

PrettyCandles · 15/02/2011 20:06

Actually, beans on (wholegrain) toast is a very good, nutritionally well-balanced snack or light meal.

But not to survive on day-in, day-out.

radiohelen · 15/02/2011 20:21

OP - words fail me...

YANBU - he is behaving like a six year old. If he is going to try and pull nasty, manipulative crap like this then don't have anything to do with him.

Call in the power of granny. Write his mum a note in a pretty card politely suggesting that she tell her son that if he wants his daughter to eat organic food because it is best for her then he can buy her an organic box and have it delivered to your house. You will not be living on slimfast and beans to provide it for her.

Then ignore him.

tigerchilli · 15/02/2011 20:25

This is emotional abuse. The message he is trying to relay is that you are unimportant and he achieves this by playing the "bad mother card".

Which of course is a bucket of tripe but the patriarchal message is loud and clear.